St. Louis Cardinal Team Awards for 2009

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St. Louis Cardinal Team Awards for 2009
Jamie Squire/Getty Images

It is most definitely not summer anymore. 

In fact, this weather is much like a lazy fly ball to St. Louis’ collective applebag, if our applebags were saturated with 14 inches of rain.

The two most pertinent issues to the Cardinals offseason have been publicly tabled by the team: Matt Holliday will not be negotiated with until he speaks with other teams first, and Mark McGwire will get his day of media faux-indignation and soapbox bloviating sometime before the Winter Warm-Up (supposedly.)

So how’s a mediocre column writer supposed to fill inches amongst such lethargy?

Awards. 

Lots of awards.

 

Saddest Moment of 2009

Yadier Molina’s All-Star parade ride. I waxed my eyebrows for this? Young Molina was joyously celebrated as the NL’s best backstop for half of 2009 with an election to the All-Star game held in his adopted hometown of St. Louis.

To fete him and the other men also chosen to represent their leagues, MLB and STL had a parade of trucks. Thousands lined the streets of downtown, and hundreds of yards of red carpet were laid for the event.

Most players had at least five other people in the bed of their Chevys when the parade started. Some had as many as 20. But Yadi? He was flying solo. No one to ride with.

What should have been a moment of moments for our loveable lug was, instead, a stark reminder to ponder how sad the life of a ballplayer can be—and also our fleeting existence on Earth. Sigh.

 

Best On-Field Addition

The Arch ! Busch Stadium has long been a destination of sorts for very bland men that had an unusually strong attraction to grass. Yes, the turf was always playable at Busch. But creative? Not so much.

Then the ASG brought an epiphany—we don’t have to be the most boring field in MLB...we can have ART! The more intricate capitol building cut was eventually scrapped—but the giant Arch stayed, and will through at least 2010. Hallelujah.

 

The “Who Ate Jack Clark” Award

Jack Clark! The best description of Jack Clark I heard all year was thus: Jack Clark looks like Jack Clark...if Jack Clark ate Jack Clark . Let’s be honest here and agree that the WORST job in sports today is being the top button on Jack Clark’s Van Heusen. 

When they place the mic just so on FSN, you can hear its tiny little scream for help, and it makes me sad. But it’s all worth it when you win an award. Good luck when April comes around, little buddy—you might get shot to the moon if he ever gets excited.

 

The Cum Again Award

Mark DeRosa’s wife . Ho-ly shit. Take a seat, Visanthe Shiancoe : No. 7 must be sporting baby’s arm down below. Or something. Ninety-nine percent of professional athletes can’t get tail like this, yet De-Ro has somehow managed to be a pretty solid utility player with one huge notch on his bedpost.

Come to think of it, DeRosa wasn’t even that good for the Cardinals. Or any of the teams he’s played on. Yet media guys, teammates, front offices love him...HMMM...you don’t think everyone’s giving him a free pass because they want to bang his wife, do you?!?! Nooooo, this can’t be true.

 

Worst Acceptance of a Charity Spot

Adam Wainwright. Well, did you stop smoking? If you didn’t “strike out” your habit, it wasn’t from a lack of nudging from Rootbeer. Any Cardinal game in 2009 sported roughly 45 spots of the Cy Young caliber pitcher teaming up with a stiff in a suit and 30 ugly kids to team up to stop smoking .

The worst part? He filmed this just as they were doing that whole moustache thing...but it hadn’t quite grown in yet. Ugly.  

 

That’s enough awards for one week...but just to prevent another light news week to pass us by without anything of substance, we will call this Part I.

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