What you are about to read is a head to head matchup preview of what we chief editors here at Bleacher Report deem the GAAAAME OF THE WEEEEEE(A)K. The Cleveland D-bags at the D-town Lions.
While fitting that this week is also Ohio State Michigan week, the worst pro team in Ohio gets to play the best pro team in Michigan, while the best college team from Ohio gets to play the worst college team from Michigan. And for all you history buffs out there who are wondering what happened to Cincinnati, that became a part of Cuba about 6 months ago.
Browns' offense vs. Lions' Defense:
Browns' passing game vs. Lions' secondary
Opposing quarterbacks have reached a world record tying average QB rating of 600.35 against the Lions this season. So you would think the edge would go to the stud QBs on the Browns' roster, right? Yes. But actually no. Brady Quinn, Derek Anderson and Josh Cribbs have combined for a stunning 3 touchdowns and 15 interceptions so far this season. Their leading receiver is a rookie who doesn't have a touchdown. The lack of passing game playmakers on the Browns is astonishing. Quinn may double his season TD total this weekend and will probably be able to move the ball, but the edge has to go to the Lions with a rookie-of-the-year candidate in their secondary in second round pick Louis Delmas.
Edge: Lions by a sliver
Browns' running game vs. Lions run defense
The Browns' run game isn't quite as bad as the passing game, but Jamal Lewis is very old and bad, and if there's a strength on the Lions d, it's their run defense. Don't expect the very bad passing game to help the rushing attack at all.
Lions' Offense vs. Browns Defense
Lions' passing game vs. Browns' secondary
This could get interesting. The fate of the entire Lions' offense rests on the arm of playboy Matt Stafford. He and badass wide receiver Calvin Johnson may have hit something of a rhythm last week, and Calvin has just been waiting for a break out game. It could come this week, but as a matter of fact the Browns' secondary actually doesn't suck as bad as the rest of Eric Mangini.
Edge: Browns by a sliver
Lions' running game vs. Browns' run defense
The Browns rank 30th in the league in run defense, which bodes well for the entire Lions offense, but let's not forget fatass Shaun Rogers may be playing with a bit of a spark against his former team. Rogers' big ass in the middle should, in theory clog up the middle of the line, but the fact remains he's a lazy dingleberry that only plays when he feels like it.
No question the edge goes to Josh Cribbs in this category. There's really nothing left to discuss. Lions Special Teams coach Stan Kwan's days have to be numbered in Detroit, which would probably be best for everybody. Look for Cribbs to take 5 or 6 to the house on Sunday.
The Lions are playing at home, and the loss to the Rams a few weeks ago still stings their britches. Meanwhile, the Browns look like a lost cause. Mangini is a piece of poop that totally dismantled what little talent was already on the roster. Both teams are complete in their ineptitude, but the Browns are on their way down, and they are reeling. 5 offensive touchdowns in 9 games? That's gotta hurt.
The loser of this game will undoubtedly fall into shambles. The Browns have at least winnable games against the Chiefs and Raiders coming up, the Lions probably won't win again if they lose to the Browns, maybe ever. The Browns offense will not be able to get it done against a bad Lions defense that's thirsty for some Browns kooch.
Score: Detroit Lions 24 Cleveland Asswipes 10