Weekly Wizard Haiku: Week 1

Eric BrownAnalyst IJune 12, 2008

Bleacher Report is a great site.  We can all agree on that.  But it's lacking one key element that I feel called upon to provide.


Sports poetry.


And not the fruity kind where you need to be alone to appreciate it.  I'm talking about the good stuff.  The gang sign of poetry:  Haiku. 


Short, three-lined poems brought to our country by the Japanese under a strict set of rules.  The first line must be five syllables.  The second line will have seven, and the last line will have five once again.  No rhyming.  Got it? 


Now imagine you run into a Crip at the mall while you're wearing the wrong color (blue?) and if he wants, he can break you off a long winded explicit catch phrase before beating you down.  He might even choose to yell at you while he's beating you down/up.  Then he will likely tell you never to come back again, and that you're a bad person. 


Or he could save all that energy and flash a quick gang sign your way.  If you're smart, you'll leave. 


Same kind of thing applies here with the poems.   For short attention span Internet spazoids like myself, the more concise the argument, the better.  This format forces me to shorten everything down to the bare-bones message. 


On a weekly basis (health permitting), I will provide you with three random haikus relating to the sports world, followed by a short commentary.  It will be on your conscience to decide what to do with the information from there. 


You might choose to pay it forward.  You might choose to find out where I live and attack me, or take it out on me in the comment section.  There is no wrong way to play it.   


So with the introductions aside, I'll give you a practice poem to make sure we're clear. 



If I was a fool

I'd purposely write haiku

And rhyme them; so cool!



Okay.  First one down.  Don't worry, that was just to set the bar low enough to where I should be able to improve.  Now on to sports:



Break yo self, Don-ghy!

Don’t think we won’t kill a snitch.

Signed, All Other Refs.



Thanks to strict Japanese rule, I had to drop a syllable in that first line and take some poetic license.  Think of the way Tracy Morgan says it on "30 Rock." 


I’m probably a little biased on the ref scandal because I think referees/officials are to blame for most of the world’s problems.   


People like to fault President Bush for a lot of stuff, but I think there’s a crew of officials who meet at the White House and tell him what to do every night before bedtime. 


So when Donaghy came out with his version of the Pythagorean Theorem of Shady Officiating (something like Ref A + Ref B = Hep C), I want to believe him.  I hope he’s right.  Because if he is, it means we get to start over and hopefully create an independent panel of officials who can instill accountability and consequence for poor performance.


Only problem is there is no way to prove him right or wrong.  No ref will admit to collusion in this and risk jail time or his job, and there’s not going to be a paper trail to follow to prove him wrong, either.   


Donaghy is alone on this whether you believe him or not.  


Meanwhile, on some playground court a few days after the big game in 2002, a teenage kid elbowed another kid in the nose and called a blocking foul. 



Rookies get no calls.

Playoffs for All-Stars, not you!

Be quiet. Don’t reach.



What is the difference between the NBA and basically all other major sports?  The NBA revolves around its stars. The other leagues revolve around their teams. 


Randy Moss can get called for offensive pass interference just as easily as a rookie corner can get the defensive version, and it can happen in the playoffs!  You never hear announcers make outlandish, yet seemingly factual, comments like, “He’s not going to get a call like that on the road, late in the game.” 


You’ve heard these remarks so many times that you’ve passed them off as actual rules.  You used to complain about traveling in the NBA, but now you’ve grown to accept it. 


The most blatant flaw in NBA officiating is that the referees make two judgment calls every time they call one foul.  They have to decide if there’s contact, and then they have to decide if there’s enough contact to warrant a call within the context of the game.  No wonder their jobs are so difficult.    


Sure, the NFL gives us phantom holds from time to time, but there’s no way to anticipate the timing or location of those holds.  They don’t happen more so for road teams or at specific times in the game.   


They just happen.  And we complain.  And we call our friends to make sure they saw it.  But we never suspect the league has an agenda.


Okay, first one’s in the books.  Hopefully many more will come and performance levels will improve.  Sorry for getting so long-winded at the end, but remember, you could have just read the haiku.


See you next week, conspiracy freaks!