Curt Schilling: Schut Up!

Does anybody out there like Curt Schilling? I live in Boston, and I haven't heard praise for Schilling in a while. If Boston is tired of this guy, I'm sure the rest of the world would agree that Schilling needs to shut his pudgy face.

I hesitated (for a few seconds) to berate Schilling in an online forum, mainly because one of my bones to pick with him is that he does the same berating of others as long as there's an audience that will listen. 

But the key difference is that I can afford to spend time on B/R, whereas he's blogging while getting paid millions to recover from an injury that probably could have been avoided had he been working out instead of blogging and hording Doritos calories in his double chin.

It's about time somebody came up with a laundry list of reasons why Curt Schilling sucks. I've decided to fill that void with six reasons. If you have more, feel free to add them. We all stand to benefit.

The Top Six Reasons Why Curt Schilling Sucks

1) He's Fat

I've already mentioned how Schill would still be pitching if he had been working out instead of blogging, but it needs repeating. This is obviously the No. 1 reason why Schilling sucks.

Curt, you're a professional athlete, not a talking head. I know you love offering your opinion on anything, to anyone, at any time, and in any place, but do you think maybe it's affecting your job performance?

My favorite offshoot of Schilling's obesity is the fatness clause in his 2008 contract. He included weigh-in-based bonuses. Hahaha. You gotta love it.

Even more than that, you gotta love Schilling's revelation that as you get older and more out of shape, it gets harder to squeeze performance from your body and recover after workouts (or, starts, as we know he wasn't working out).

He actually said on his self-important blog, 38pitches.com (please don't go there, as that's what he wants), that he was "completely broadsided by the fact that your body doesn’t act/react the same way as you get older."

Really? This guy debuted in the bigs at 22-years old. He's now 41, and he's been an innings-eating power pitcher through those decades, and he didn't pick up on the fact that your body tends to wear down as you get older? I just can't believe this.

Even if he couldn't figure out the whole complicated age, being in shape, recovery conundrum, did his trainers never mention this? Were his teams not really interested in protecting their multi-million dollar investment in this guy, so they didn't mention it to him?

Get a life, Schill. Just admit that Shonda feeds you a steady diet of Paula Deen dishes and you like how they taste, and you figure you already have a lot of money, so you sit back and let yourself go.

Oh, and Bartolo, if you're reading this, go get on a treadmill or you're next. If you don't shed some pounds, I'm calling it now: "Colon Out Four to Six Months with Strained Back."

2) Hypocrisy

Surprisingly, Schilling recently offered his opinion on the NBA and a few of its players. In particular, he loves KG's focus. As an aside, so do I. Apparently KG didn't sleep toward the end of the Detroit series. I bet he was up all night beating his chest. How can you not love that?

Even Schill loves the intensity and focus. But the fact that he blogs about that focus is a little bit ironic. Maybe do a little "practice what you preach"? And then stop preaching?

That reminds me. He also had a bone to pick with NBA refs for T'ing up F-bombs. He blogs to the refs: "shut your pie hole". Schill, you shut your #*!@ing pie hole. No one likes you.

3) Be Honest About Your Agenda

Here is Schilling's agenda: First, collect as much money as possible for pitching six mph slower than he could if he conditioned himself. While doing this, offer opinions as much as possible on everything from sports to Iraq—brand yourself a bit so that in your mid-40s, you can be a legitimate talking head.

Parlay that into some TV time, a few books, maybe generate some ad revenue from 38pitches.com, etc.... Then, pump money into charitable causes that bear your name (like your charity wine, Schilling Schardonnay, and Curt's Pitch for ALS). At this point, everyone will love you and you can become a senator. You're forgetting one small hiccup in the agenda, though: you're a douchebag.

4) Shonda

I have nothing against Curt's wife, Shonda. I just really dislike her name. Jason Varitek's wife is named Karen. "Karen" is a meat-and-potatoes name for the kind of woman that a meat-and-potatoes guy would marry. Tek, keep up the good work and keep squatting two tons.

5) The Latest Injury

Schilling says, "I think we are all very happy with where I have come and how much improvement I’ve made, but at the end of the day, we really are at the bottom of the mountain at this point." 

I'm not at all happy with his injury status. Is anyone happy with it? Maybe the doctors that are making bucks off it? As far as Boston fans are concerned, Schilling will add zero value to the team this year, and we are not happy with him or the fact that he'll probably be pitching in Pawtucket in August.

Then, at best, he'll be brought up in the playoffs to toss a five-inning, six earned-run gemstone against Los Angeles de Los Angeles. Actually, that's probably "at worst". At best he'll aggravate his arm in Pawtucket and won't be able to pitch for Boston ever again.

6) Even The Good Is Bad

I can think of two things I like about Curt Schilling, but then as I think about them more, they turn into dislikes.

First, I don't believe he's ever taken 'roids. That's respectable in a day where lots of big leaguers look to the juice for an edge. But the fact that he uses this as an opportunity to voice out in D.C. and lace into the 'roid monkeys of the game tarnishes any purity that he could have had by not being a juicer. Sometimes it's better to speak by example, fatty.

Second, he is his own agent. I like that idea. If a player can negotiate for himself, why not do it? Cut out the middleman. Don't let the agents snake their way into deals where their clients' talent and value is being purchased.

As I think about this, though, it just makes me dislike Schill even more. I can't put a finger on why. Maybe it's because at this point I don't like anything about him, so I'm not even going to give credit for being his own agent, even though I back the idea in general.