Winter-Bound and Down: Reviewing the 2009 MLB Season, Kenny Powers Style

If you haven't seen the excellent HBO program Eastbound & Down earlier this year, download it, buy it on DVD, do whatever you need to do to see it, then come back and read this.

Done yet?  No?  C'mon, trust me on this.  Watch it.  It'll only take you like two hours.  It'll be the best two hours you've spent this month.

Okay, have you finally finished?  Great.  I wasn't wrong, was I?  See, told you. 

I thought to myself, what better way to recap what happened this past season in Major League Baseball than to take what, even with only six episodes, already might be the funniest show ever made about sports and use some of the more memorable (and colorful) quotes as a sort of outline. Is that something you might be interested in?

Now, if this sounds familiar, you're not wrong. This is usually the kind of column ESPN.com's Bill Simmons would write .  But he's busy with his basketball book tour, and I'm not even sure he's even seen Eastbound & Down .

Why do that when you can watch The Karate Kid or Almost Famous for the 500th time? (Like Chris Myers, I kid because I care, Bill.)

So, I'd figure I'd take on the task myself. I hope it's taken with the spirit with which it is intended.

Warning: Eastbound & Down's quotes are a free-flowing conversation that occasionally touches on mature subjects.

"Personally, I hate it when new memories get in the way of old ones.  I do."

This goes out to the Boston Red Sox and their fans.  The years of 2007 and 2004 just feel 86 years ago.  Even fan patron saint Simmons was telling anyone who would listen, as loudly as possible, that he was off the bandwagon and not invested in this team this season.  The Yankees winning it all was just the puke spread on this turd sandwich of a season for Red Sox Nation.

"And can I wear the Scream mask?  The mask from Scream .  When I do you from behind.  Hello?"

To Frank and Jamie McCourt, who promise to keep the hot stove burning all winter with the messiest divorce since O.J. and Nicole, with the Dodgers team and fans playing Ron Goldman.  Sigh.  Mark Cuban, you're our only hope.

"What did I tell you, man?!  Don't read the readout!  That's my own private information!"

To the Mitchell Report's continued trickle of "anonymous" PED users in Major League Baseball.  Stop this Bataan Death March of news leaks, MLB, and find the way to make the full list public now that you've already opened Pandora's Box by a few names being leaked every season.  The only way to be fair at this point is to be unfair to every player on that list equally.

"I broke that birdbath for you 'cause I knew you hated it, 'cause we're the same. I hate that f***ing thing, too. A stork wrapped around a tree branch.  That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen before.  You know that’s how the plague started, back in the day.  It was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone’s backyard that rats...made sex to birds in it, and created a whole new type of AIDS."

To the Metrodome, a true house of horrors where many a pop fly out went to die...by becoming hits.  You won't be missed. Bring on Target Field.

"They're my closers…and they help people who are slightly hesitant to buy cars."

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