Six Points on the Cleveland Browns (Nov. 12)

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Six Points on the Cleveland Browns (Nov. 12)
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

 

1. Liar, Liar (XXL) Pants On Fire:

 

In a CBS Sports interview, Head Coach Eric Mangini claimed ignorance of an escalator clause in Brandy Queen’s contract that would have paid him an additional $10.9 million if he took 70 percent of the snaps this season.

 

This claim came from a man who has a reputation as enough of a control freak to select the wattage of light bulbs and the thickness of toilet paper in the Browns’ Berea compound.

 

On November 11, Six Points suggested Randy Lerner call Joe Isuzu to handle marketing duties. 

 

Apparently, he’s already in the building.

 

2. Blackout Economics 101:

 

At last report, around 3,000 tickets remain for the Monday nighter against Baltimore, and the ducats have to be sold by 8:30 p.m. on Friday, the 13th.

 

Suppose that out of sheer masochism, I absolutely had to see this game. Two tickets would set me back $100 or so, parking another $25, and three $8 beers apiece would run another $48, for a conservative estimate of $173.

 

Another option would be to drive 75 miles each way to a blackout-free zone, rent a hotel room for $100 or so and burn about $15 in gasoline.

 

That would leave me $58 ahead, not including alcohol. For $58, something stronger than beer could be purchased to ease the pain of watching this team.

 

Like Jameson. With money left over.

 

3. This game will not be blacked out:

 

If the Great Recession has wrought devastation on any industry to rival its effect on newspapers, that industry is local broadcast television.

 

Why wait 22 minutes into a 30-minute newscast to get the weather forecast when you can get one on your PC or Mac in less time than it took me to type this sentence?

 

WJW-TV, Cleveland’s FOX affiliate, has the local broadcast rights to carry the ESPN feed.

 

For WJW, the game is a cash cow. This team is putrid, but people still watch. 

 

Call it the wreck on the Interstate. You still slow down and look.

 

Too many advertising dollars are at stake for WJW not to carry what appears to be an upcoming carnage.

 

4. Building a Better Boycott:

 

The national media has covered the tale of a season ticket holder, whose name shall not be mentioned here, who asks fans to show up late for the Monday nighter in protest.

 

Apparently, he thinks ESPN showing an empty stadium at kickoff will shame the Browns organization into fixing its problems.

 

No, it won’t.

 

Browns fans in this region know Cleveland Browns Stadium is rarely full at kickoff, thanks to tailgating and airport-level security.

 

If you’re thoroughly disgusted, as many are, don’t go to the games at all. 

 

Don’t show up dressed as a bag of French fries, as this Pied Piper of the Pound did in 2006. Show up dressed as an empty orange seat.

 

Even if you already paid for the tickets, consider that a “sunk cost,” and don’t buy gear or concessions.

 

And don’t sweat The Move v. 2.0. The lease with the city commits the team to play at Cleveland Browns Stadium until 2029.

 

5. The Browns are becoming the Buick of the NFL:

 

In other words, they are losing their customers to the graveyard.

 

If you were of legal drinking age the last time the Browns won a playoff game, you’re at least 35 now.

 

If you could legally imbibe the last time the Browns were in serious contention, you’re over 40.

 

If you were of age the last time the Browns won it all, you’re a senior citizen.

 

The continued ineptitude of this organization has cost it an entire generation of fans.

 

6. For Heaven’s sake, shut the Hell up!

 

In Brandy Queen’s presser held in honor of his being reinserted as starting QB, he used the occasion to speak of his “positive attitude and faith in Christ.”

 

Of all the annoying types of co-worker one can have, the workplace proselytizer has to be near the top of the list. They even offend Christians.

 

In my experience with these types, they often tend to be among the least competent in their duties. Can you say “6-for-30 on third down?” Of course you can!

 

EXTRA POINT: I thanked the wrong vet.

 

In the first edition of Six Points , I credited Akron Beacon Journal veteran Patrick McManamon with the inspiration for this format.

 

But, I’m writing this column in uncensored American English.

 

Yes, this Browns season is a Steaming Sack of Suck.

 

But what would suck far worse would be typing this in German, Japanese, Russian or Arabic with a government ready to imprison me if I offended the wrong people.

 

Like many Americans, I came up a day late and a dollar short in passing out the props that were due Veterans Day, November 11.

 

Mea maxima culpa .

 

And thanks again to all who served.

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