The Future of College Football (Humor)
This article was inspired by an appearance by CBS broadcaster Tim Brando on the Tony Barnhart Show. Brando called for congressional action to create a college football playoff. He also called for the creation of a national commissioner of college football.
Sioux City, Iowa March 24, 2018
Ring, Ring, Ring
"Hello, Charlie Smith residence."
"Mr. Smith? Joseph Stalling here from the National College Football Commissioner's office. How are you today?"
"Just fine, Mr. Stalling. What can I do for you?"
"It about your son, Bob. We have the results of our inaugural draft."
"Hmm. You know we’re not exactly comfortable with this whole draft thing."
"Yes, we understand that this is difficult for a player like Bob, who is the highest-ranked high school quarterback in the country."
"Well, it's not just about football. Bob was also his high school's valedictorian. He has lofty academic goals. You guys aren't allowing him to attend the college of his choice."
"Now, now, Mr. Smith. The College Football Draft Law was an act of Congress. This is the federal government you are dealing with."
"Don't I know it. (mutters under breath) Another area of my life they've crept into..."
"What was that you said?"
"Uh, uh...nothing, Mr. Stalling. Nothing at all. Uh, so what team has drafted Bob?"
"Middle Tennessee State."
"Middle Tennessee State?! Are you kidding me?!”
"Now calm down, Mr. Smith. Middle Tennessee had the worst record in 1-A football last season. We now use a reverse record order draft system, just like the NFL. As the worst team, Middle Tennessee has the right to choose the first player and they have chosen your son, Bob."
"But what kind of education is he going to get at that school? He doesn't want to move to the South, either. He wants to stay in the Midwest. Michigan would be his first choice."
"I understand your concerns, Mr. Smith, but all citizens must make sacrifices for the common good. Are you saying you're in favor of the old elitist system, where the ‘Haves’ like USC oppressed the proletarian ‘Have-Nots’ like Boise State?"
"Uh, uh, no. N..N..Not at all, Mr. Stalling. I don't think any such thing.”
“Are you speaking out against the 'Great Conference Commissioner Purge of 2015,' which allowed us to set up the current 32-team playoff?”
“No. No, Mr. Stalling. Bob and I are fine with all that.”
“I suppose you want to go back to the days when teams could select their own out-of-conference opponents and weren’t allowed to trade players from school to school.”
“No, Sir. The old traditional way of doing things was just terrible.”
“Are you sure you aren’t part of the underground protest movement agitating to have former Big 10 Commissioner Jim Delaney released from the Federal Reeducation Camp?”
“No, Bob and I are loyal citizens of the State, I assure you.”
“Good. Good. Glad to hear that. As far as moving to the South, you don't need to worry about that. Middle Tennessee State is no longer located in Tennessee."
"This year the Commissioner is forcibly relocating the school to Washington D.C. The television ratings in Murfreesboro, or whatever it's called, weren't high enough. It's part of our five-year plan to increase the profits from college football."
"You know what, Mr. Stallings? That’s the last straw. You guys are a bunch of jerks. You can take your draft and shove it. I'm moving my family to Canada. That's where I went the last time you Feds had a draft."
"Feel free to try, Mr. Smith. Feel free to try. Homeland security is much improved since the Sixties. We look forward to meeting you and your son at the border. Heh, heh, heh, heh...”
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