John Cena Goes To ECW: The Final Chapter

After weeks of anticipation, the WWE’s latest pay-per-view, Tables, Ladders, and Chairs (oh my) is upon us.

There are several quality matches scheduled, but the one match that most people are buzzing about is the Fatal Four Way Table Match for the ECW Championship.

The WWE doesn’t think highly enough of the ECW Title to make it a full TLC match, so the WWE Universe has to settle for a Table Match.

In that match, ECW Champion Christian defends his title against William Regal, Shelton Benjamin, and JOHN CENA!!!

The first match of the night is between Dolph Ziggler and Shawn Mich….I mean John Morrison for the Intercontinental Title.

The two men trade blows for a good ten to twelve minutes. Throughout the course of the match Morrison is compared to HBK an astounding 152 times. The match reaches its climax when Morrison shines a light off of his washboard abs, temporarily blinding Ziggler. He follows it up with a Moonlight Drive and Starship Pain for the win.

Next we have a backstage segment with Chris Jericho and Josh Matthews.

Matthews asks Jericho his thoughts on the upcoming tag match between DX and JeriShow:

Jericho:   I will prove to all these cretins and parasites why I am the best in the world at what I do and—hey, what are you doing!?!

Matthews: (touching the frozen tips of Jericho’s hair) You know, you look a lot like Goku.  Can you do a kamehameha please?

Jericho:   How dare you disrespect me, I am the best in the world, I have no equal!

Matthews: Oh my goodness, (seeing Big Show emerge) you brought Nappa!! You know you’re awfully angry for a little guy, I think you’re more like Vegeta than Goku.

A stunned Matt Striker finally gathers himself and welcomes the audience to a special pay-per-view addition of the Abraham Washington Show, with his special guest John Cena!

Tony Atlas introduces Abe to a chorus of boos.

Abe talks about how great it is to be San Antonio, and tells the audience how he’s been so excited he’s had trouble getting sleep. Of course Abe’s solution to get some sleep was to take in a Spurs game before the pay-per-view.

After having some more fun at the crowd’s expense, he begins to play up tonight’s guest.

“My guest tonight is a man who really needs no introduction. He is a successful rapper as well as a growing movie star! Ladies and gentleman, please welcome my guest Eminem!! Nah, I’m playin, we got the poor man’s Eminem, John Cena!”

John Cena comes out to yet another high-pitched pop. Cena salutes the crowd, and finally settles into his seat.

Abe: Hey John, just because you played a marine in a movie doesn’t mean you have to act like that in real life.

Tony: (uncontrollable laughter)

Abe:   Hey Tony, speaking of movies...if John Cena makes a movie and nobody sees it, did it really happen?

Tony:  (still laughing)

Abe:   You know the only thing worse then a John Cena movie...a John Cena rap album.

Tony:   (wets himself)

Cena:   You got an awfully big mouth, do you want me to seal it shut with my heat vision?

(Abe gets the message)

Abe:   Alright so let’s get down to business. Tonight you are in the fatal four way match, let’s take a look at some highlights and see how we got here.

The crowd is shown various highlights that take place over the last month. Cena ended up losing his first title match with Christian when William Regal interfered and temporarily weakened Cena with a piece of Kryptonite, allowing Christian to roll him up for the win.

Cena would be given a rematch provided he accomplished three feats. First he had to win a traditional Survivor Series match against Sheamus, Zack Ryder, Paul Burchill, Vladimir Kozlov, and Ezekiel Jackson—by himself.

After earning the improbable victory, he then had to defeat Kozlov and Jackson in a handicap last man standing match on the following episode of ECW.

After defeating the two of them, his last and most difficult task would have been to find out who framed Roger Rabbit.

After accomplishing all of this, Tiffany awarded him a spot in the title match at TLC.

William Regal had a slightly different path to the championship match. He defeated ECW’s newest superstar Santino Marella in a thumb wrestling match with Vladimir Kozlov serving as Regal’s “helping Harry.”

Finally, Shelton Benjamin gained entry into the ECW championship match by winning a Karaoke Sing Off. Benjamin wowed the WWE Universe with his stirring rendition of the timeless classic, “She Bangs.”

Abe:   Shelton Benjamin is in this match? Man, that fool is duller then vanilla yogurt, and that’s really saying something because that brother ain’t even white.

Cena:  Shelton is a huge threat. He is one of the most gifted athletes in the entire WWE and could easily win tonight.

Abe:   How is Regal competing for the title again? That man has had about 500 title matches. Hell, I think Tony has won a match more recently then Regal.

Cena:   Say what you want about Regal, but he’s very ring savvy and will definitely have a say with how this match plays out.

Abe:   How in the hell is Christian still champ? Man the last good thing to come out of Canada was Celine Dion, and she’s half French!

Cena:   Christian has proven himself time and time again why he is a great champion, and I have no doubt he will bring his “A” game tonight.

Abe:   Oh John, you are so politically correct and always say the right things. I was just informed that in order for you to win the title tonight, you have to put each of your competitors through a table. Good Luck!

The next match of the evening featured Legacy vs. MVP and the world’s strongest Kool-Aid, Mark Henry. The two teams are very evenly matched, but finally Legacy gains the upper hand when Rhodes and DiBiase knock over Henry.

Henry flails around like a beached whale for a bit, just long enough to distract MVP and set him up for a Cross Rhodes and give the win to Legacy.

We then get a quick look at Christian warming up backstage, when suddenly someone catches his eye. Could it be? Is it his long lost partner Edge? Christian hustles over to greet his long time friend only to find out he was staring at Beth Phoenix from behind.

An embarrassed Christian apologizes and walks away singing a sad song to himself .

Next up is the Undertaker vs. CM Punk in the first ever wheelchair match.

The WWE booked this match because they realized it was the best and quickest way for the Undertaker to move around in the ring. Punk eventually picks up the victory by count out after tipping the Undertaker’s wheelchair over outside the ring.

The scene shifts to the ECW announce table and that means it is finally time for the ECW Title Match.

Striker sets the stage by throwing out such big words as galvanic, unabated, vehement, and unbridled to describe the atmosphere in the arena.

Josh Matthews is diggin’ for gold!!

Speaking of gold, Shelton Benjamin is the first man down to the ring. Shelton looks very intense and prepared for the title match at hand, plus he has some awesome new wrestling attire .

William Regal’s music hits next. The brawling Brit has an unusual smile on his face. Matthews tells the audience that Regal just saved 15 percent on his car insurance by switching to Geico. Great analysis as always Josh.

John Cena comes out to such a high-pitched pop that J.R.’s glasses actually shatter.

The last man to make his way to the ring is Christian. He has a new entrance video playing with clips of him and Edge from back in the day. He also has some new entrance music as well.

Hmm...desperate last chance to reach out to Edge?

The match begins with everyone ganging up on Cena. They beat up on him for a good three minutes before he uses his Jedi mind throw and sends everyone flying.

Regal immediately begins setting up tables in the ring.  He obviously wants to get this match over as quickly as possible. From out of nowhere, Benjamin connects with a spinning heel kick, and knocks Regal out of the ring.

Benjamin then harnesses his inner Sisqo, and begins doing flips across the ring. Unfortunately, this allows Christian to hit him with Killswitch.

Christian and Cena then lock up for a few minutes, but this allows Regal time to get his secret weapon, the Kryptonite!! Regal slides back to the ring preparing to get close enough to Cena to weaken him, but this time Cena sees him coming!

John Cena uses his heat vision to melt the kryptonite in Regal’s hand!

Cena then throws a stunned Regal into Christian, and then avoids a stinger splash from Benjamin. Cena then picks all three men up and performs one huge Attitude Adjustment and sends each man through an individual table, giving Cena the win!

“My goodness what a match, I am speechless. What are your thoughts Josh?”

“Great”

“What’s wrong?”

“Now we have to listen to Cena say “The Champ is Here!” indefinitely! I hate that damn song. I hate John Cena! I hate you! Screw this, I’m going to TNA!!”

John Cena would go on to hold the championship throughout the rest of his tenure in ECW. He would ultimately have to forfeit the title when he was drafted back to Raw during the 2010 draft in June. His title run was so memorable, that the WWE decided to rename ECW John Cena Wrestling (JCW) in honor of the brand’s greatest champion.