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PLEASE NOTE: The following article is entirely a work of fiction. The player quotes used in the following article were created entirely by the author, and in no way should they be mistaken for real quotes. All views and opinions expressed within are solely the viewpoint of the author, and do not reflect the views or opinions of the Carolina Hurricanes or the National Hockey League.
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Putting to rest the belief that the Carolina Hurricanes terrible start to the 2009-10 season was merely a mix of incompetent offense, embarrassing defense, and abysmal goaltending, sources within the organization have revealed that the true reason is that the 'Canes feel like they should get summers off.
"It's just ridiculous," Hurricanes forward Erik Cole declared. "We've already got the longest schedule of any of the main sports, so why should we want to do well? Just so we can make the season longer? And for a piece of metal? Come on, it's just not worth it."
Cole is but one of many players on the team who agree with this philosophy, including defenseman Tim Gleason.
"The playoffs...they're overrated," Gleason starts. "I can see if the winning team got an extra three months off, but they don't. I mean, I don't mind my job, don't get me wrong, but they don't pay me enough to work three months of overtime. Playing the extra overtime periods and shootouts during the regular season add up to long enough. You just have to draw the line somewhere."
Coach Paul Maurice said he used to coach to win championships, but stopped when he discovered the postseason was a conflict of his interests.
"My wife bought us tickets to go to the Caribbean in May 2002," he said. "I was looking forward to that trip the entire year, until I found out we had made the playoffs, and that I couldn't call off. I mean, seriously? How many employers don't offer personal time off work? So she had to go with one of her girlfriends just so my ticket wasn't wasted.
"To make matters worse, we lost in the Finals to the Red Wings. So not only did I get a worthless piece of scrap metal, but I also missed out on the trip of a lifetime. To this day, my wife still tells me how much fun the two of them had! The Caribbean sounds extraordinary!"
Goalie Cam Ward took the whole idea one step further: "I've already got my reservations booked for the prestigious Pine Valley Golf Club in New Jersey for the end of April, and I'll be damned if hockey is going to ruin these plans.
"Don't they realize these deposits are non-refundable?"
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