After the New York Yankees won the World Series of Baseball for the first time since 2000 I had a chance to sit down with some of the players, namely Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez (herein referred to as A-Rod), and World Series MVP Hideki Matsui!
What followed was an honest interview between three celebrity baseball players dosed with champagne and one serious reporter with a mission to expose the truth.
Drew: So guys, how does it feel to be you ?
Jeter: I feel amazing. I really love myself. I really do.
A-Rod: Me too. I love looking at myself and thinking about me. It's so much fun. Sometimes I flex my muscles and smile at myself. It's great.
Matsui: GODZILLA BEAT MOTHRA IN WAR!!!
Drew: Right. So Derek Jeter, what makes New York City so great?
Jeter: Good question, Andrew. Truth is...nothing . The place sucks. The weather is awful and the people think they're the center of the world's attention.
Jeter: Andrew, the people there are so stupid they think baseball is exciting and they consider us major celebrities. These people are so dumb that they actually will listen to reruns of our boring games on the radio when we lose. But we milk their stupidity for mad cash. Its stealing candy from a baby, baby.
Drew: A-Rod, that's pretty stiff criticism. Is it true?
A-Rod: Oh yeah. These guys actually pay me over two-hundred million dollars to take a stick and hit a ball and look pretty.
Matsui: GODZILLA DESTORY MEGA GODZILLA IN NINE INNINGS!!
A-Rod: What Hideki means is that New York City would be a whole let better off if one of the giant radioactive mutants that assaults Tokyo on a regular basis would show up to trash NYC and put us all out of the world' misery.
Drew: Is that possible?
A-Rod: Nah. Giant mutants only attack Tokyo, so we'll continue to make a lot of money suckering the stupidest meat-head fans in the entire world.
Drew: Shouldn't the government of New York stop you guys?
Jeter: Andrew, our fascist city government officials love us because they can be dishonest and crooked and the citizens don't pay attention because they're too busy watching our games.
Drew: Really? So what makes fans of the New York Yankees so gullible and stupid?
Jeter: Well, basically this jerk owner named George Stienbrenner throws so much money at us that we get to win whenever we want. He'll even pay players on opposing teams to throw games! But hush, don't let that get out.
Drew: How does he get away with throwing all that cash?
Jeter: Here's the secret: Since we have mad cash the idiots in New York think we're important. Win or lose, baby.
Drew: Come on! If you guys lose it hurts those people doesn't it?
A-Rod: Actually Andrew, when we lose our idiot meat-head fans just go on with their lives same as if we won. When we blew a 3-0 series lead to Boston...it was like nothing happened. Funny actually.
Drew: Then, why even party when you win?
Matsui: GODZILLA DESTROY LOBSTER MONSTER!!
Drew: Please, please...be patient.
A-Rod: Ha! Ha! Matsui gets like that. Listen, sure the New Yorkers they have a little party when we win. But New York City has parties all the time, so it really doesn't matter.
Drew: Wow. You guys must actually be the luckiest people in the whole wide world.
Jeter: We're total crooks, Andrew. And we get away with it.
Drew: Matsui, is baseball the greatest sport in the world?
Matsui: FEED FAMILY AND LOVED ONES TO GODZILLA!!! NEW YORK FANS LOOOVE YOU LOOONG TIME!!!
Drew: I see. One last question, why do major league sports let one team win all the time? Like the Yankes or the Lakers?
Jeter: Because its how they control the market.
Drew: Thanks guys.
A-Rod: Thank you, Andrew. I'm off the sleep with a married woman.
Matsui: GODZILLA VERSUS BAMBI GOOD MOVIE!!!!!!
And that was that.