Pact With Satan Works For Yanks

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Pact With Satan Works For Yanks
Junko Kimura/Getty Images

As the air streams out of the balloon of 2009 MLB and Godzilla's bat pounds the final nails into the Phillie's coffin, I cannot help but wonder if even Satan has met his match. What about Rollin's sacrificed chicken and the mojo filter that Ryan Howard put in his Hummer's heating system? Nothing...

I figured that, between those actions and the efforts of others, such as Chase Utley's allegiance to Thor, God of Thunder, there would be, at the least, a game 7 and Joe Buck would have to put off a return to his family for another cold November day. Not so fast.

Hank, and I'm not referencing the beloved Hammer, stepped up to the feet of the Baddest Bargain Boy, Beelzebub, and arranged with his master to buy a game, just one- Game 6. The purchase of CC, Burnett, and Tex was supposed to be enough. What with the best player in baseball not named Albert and the ageless closer/angel of 9th inning (and, when needed, 8th, too) death to hitters and hope, the final pact was not originally on the agenda.

Little did Hank expect that Cliff Lee would own the Bronx Bombers in 2 games and a guy named Chase would be mentioned in the same sentence as the sainted Mr. October, but Charlie's angels put the fear of God into that tiny pinstripped heart. As a result, Mr. Steinbrenner contacted his cadre of attorneys to arrange a meeting with the Lord of Darkness (at Manny's and Mark McGuire's treehouse in Vero Beach).

The meeting lasted barely half an hour before a bargain was struck. Unconfirmed reports have it that, after the Master of the Underworld clarified the fact that he did not want to accept anything as financially ridiculous as a Dice-K or Irabu type deal, young Hank got down to brass tacks. When it was all said and done, the Dark One granted a Game 6 victory in exchange for Hank's soul, that of his aged father, and the collective souls of the 10 attorneys in attendance, which amounted to 7/8ths of a full soul due to other deals previously transacted (note- the author practices law).

As the inevitable unfolds, Hank is sitting in his warm loge, friends and family gathered close, relishing the victory he paid for. He is even happier with the knowledge that what he gave up was already heavily mortgaged, in foreclosure and otherwise valueless. I find a shred of solace in recalling that he is still paying Xavier Nady $6.55 million for the year and that his team paid almost $40 million for the privilege of having Carl Pavano on the team for the 4 years preceding the season that he pitched for the Tribe which was 100x more valuable. RIP 2009 MLB season.

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