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PHILADELPHIA—Several sources close to Alex Rodriguez report that the All-Star third baseman is planning his own parade to celebrate the New York Yankees' presupposed World Series victory over the Philadelphia Phillies.
"It's already in the works," said Rodriguez's agent Scott Boras. "We just need to figure out an appropriate compensation scale for Alex."
Boras further explained that Rodriguez plans to charge a cover to attend his parade, "a nominal fee of 25 to 35 dollars," with half-price glossy headshots for the first 50 guests.
Yankee general manager Brian Cashman initially appeared annoyed by the news of the event. But Cashman quickly softened when asked what owner George Steinbrenner thought: "Wait, Steinbrenner knows?"
Traditionally, an entire team holds a parade to celebrate a World Series win. But A-Rod has never been one to play by the rules, according to his closest friend and money manager, Raoul Franco: "That why he's great. The rules are only there for the losers who play by them—and Alex is a winner."
When asked if this means Rodriguez will not attend the Yankees' parade should they win, Franco was definitive: "Oh no way. And why should he? Alex is the star, and he should be treated as such."
Franco went on, "Without him, that parade will just be a flatbed truck full of losers."
As information trickles in, some details are beginning to emerge. First, tickets will be sold from a web site, possibly called a-parade.com; secondly, it looks like the event will begin in the 2,000-square foot downstairs powder room of Rodriguez's four-story penthouse apartment in New York.
After that, it's on to the shooting range, the pharmacy, the Kabbalah room, and the pink lipstick room—finally winding its way to the main lobby for a ceremony and speech in front of one of his two self-centaur portraits, which of course portray him as the mythical half-horse, half-man creature.
"Thirty, 35 dollars to see a ballplayer speak in front of a centaur self-portrait is a deal," Super Agent Boras added, "especially in New York."
Accordingly, the VIP guest list has been kept super secret, but Bleacher Report has been able to confirm that Donald Trump, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and Fox Sports' Joe Buck have all RSVP'd in the affirmative.
"So far the VIP response has been tremendous," parade planner Jorge Dimitri squealed. "Alex loves being around other stars, so we have a feeling he's going to be very pleased."
Dimitri also added that Jon Gosselin and Sarah Palin are "definite maybes."
When contacted for a response, several of Rodriguez' Yankee teammates made off the record comments such as "don't care," "figures," and "big surprise" when made aware of the pending parade.
Regardless of his teammates' apparent apathy, it appears preparations for the parade steamroll on for Team A-Rod.
"Alex always said he could do it," Boras remarked. "And now that he has—or should I say is about to (laughs)—he needs to be celebrated and of course paid for his glorious achievements. It figures to be quite a day."
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