Terrell Owens to Switch Sports, Other Athletes to Follow
Recently, several athletes have decided to take their abilities to different sports. The trend has grown, but with very minimal success.
Jamal Crawford (New York Knicks to New York Yankees)
Crawford saw opportunity knocking when he looked at his career shooting percentage.
“Yeah, you know, I saw .401 and I thought, ‘where could I have a percentage like that and still be considered good?’”
The next day, after a lengthy conversation with Hank Steinbrenner, Crawford was signed to a 14-day contract. “Hank said the publicity would be great, and $2.8 million didn’t sound too bad either.”
When Steinbrenner was asked about the ridiculous sum of money, he responded, “Hey, we’re paying Kyle Farnsworth $5,916,667 this season to give up home run after home run. What’s the worst that could happen?”
Crawford’s first game with the Yanks was nothing short of a disappointment. He went 0-for-4 with three strikeouts.
The YES network asked Jamal about his performance after the game, and he sounded optimistic.
“You guys got to remember that with basketball, I had close to 30 attempts a game. I only had four at-bats today. I used to start games for the Knicks by going 0-for-10.”
The next 13 days were no different for Jamal and the Bronx Bombers, or as they are now being called, the “Knickerbombers.” After going 1-for-38 with 32 strikeouts, Crawford wasn’t as optimistic. “You know the ball’s a lot bigger in basketball.”
Crawford’s one hit was a lazy groundball to Mets’ first baseman Carlos Delgado, whom Crawford simply beat to the bag.
Although his team went 2-11 with Crawford on the team, Steinbrenner was not distraught over the experiment.
“We’ve made mistakes before. Hell, we’ve made worse mistakes than this. Did you know Carl Pavano is making $11 million this season?”
The only hope for the Yanks is that Joba Chamberlain’s stint in the NFL becomes a complete failure.
Joba Chamberlain (New York Yankees to Dallas Cowboys)
After Dallas Cowboys Pro Bowl center Andre Gurode left the team for “personal reasons,” Joba Chamberlain seized the opportunity to rejuvenate his career in pro sports after his failed career with the New York Yankees.
Chamberlain was winless as a starter for the Yanks and felt that the league had “figured him out.”
Chamberlain bulked up for the Cowboys and showed tremendous potential, until he broke Tony Romo’s wrist with the first snap of the season. The radar guns clocked his snap at 98 mph.
After breaking backup quarterback Richard Bartel’s wrist as well, Chamberlain was then asked by coach, Wade Phillips, to try and work some magic at the QB position.
Terry Glenn’s attempt at catching Chamberlain’s first pass left Glenn in the same position as Romo and Bartel. Phillips asked if Chamberlain could perhaps, slow his arm motion. Joba complied, but then the receivers had trouble tracking the ball’s motion.
After the Cowboys’ embarrassing 45-6 loss to the Cleveland Browns, wide receiver Patrick Crayton was asked about the difficulty in catching Chamberlain’s passes.
“I don’t know what it was," he said. "It was kind of like a curveball. No, wait. More like a slider. I just didn’t know where the ball was gonna end up. And then he started mixing in that damn fastball and we would just let it go by.”
Chamberlain finished the day throwing an abysmal 1-for-21. However, he did manage to injure one linebacker and two defensive backs from the Browns.
Unfortunately for Chamberlain, he has been released by the team and has recently stated that his career in professional sports, although not over, has definitely come to a standstill.
“I’m hoping some other team will give me a chance," he said. "I heard the Jets were interested 'cause that guy Pennington can’t throw the ball more than ten yards at a time. Plus, the guys in the American League figured me out. In time, I’m sure my receivers can too.”
The Cowboys are hoping that Terrell Owens’ attempt at the NHL will also be short-lived.
Terrell Owens (Dallas Cowboys to Toronto Maple Leafs)
After hearing of Chamberlain’s supposed signing to the Cowboys, Terrell Owens felt that the team was getting a little too crowded with publicity that wasn’t focused on him, so he went to the one place where publicity is never found:the NHL.
ESPN’s Barry Melrose had the chance to sit down and ask T.O. about his choice to join one of the NHL’s most historic franchises.
Barry (BM): So, I guess the first question has to be: Why Toronto?
Terrell (TO): Well, you know they were one of the Original Eight clubs …
TO: Yeah, six. Original Six clubs. And they haven’t had that, uh, that trophy here since like the 60s.
BM: The Stanley Cup.
TO: Yeah. They haven’t had that Cup here since the 60s, and Canada’s the only place where there’s hockey.
BM: You mean Canada’s the only place it gets respect?
TO: No, I mean you can’t find hockey in the States.
BM: What about the 24 teams located within the continental United States?
TO: Isn’t that a different league? If I had known that I would have stayed in Dallas.
But T.O’s knowledge, or lack thereof, of the sport, continued to haunt him. Toronto offered him a three-year deal worth $11 million. At first T.O. thought that meant $11 million per year, but then learned of the NHL’s salary cap.
“That salary cap is some bulls***. The Leafs are handing money to overpriced defensemen but that can’t give me at least $10 million a year? No wonder they never win Steven’s Cup. Maybe I can still bring the Cowboys out of that 0-6 hole.”
Sean Avery (New York Rangers to PGA Tour)
T.O. wasn’t the only one to recently leave the NHL in search of another sport. We all remember when the New York Rangers’ Sean Avery decided to take his mediocre slapshot to the golf course.
“After that spleen injury, I finally decided that it was time to put down the stick and pick up the driver. I got the British Open Championship coming up, and I’m real excited for it. I’m actually paired up with Tiger for the opening round, so it’ll be nice hitting the greens with him. Maybe he can teach me a few things.”
But Avery’s first experience on the greens didn’t go as well as he’d expected. After falling 11 strokes behind Tiger on the first four holes, Avery began to get aggravated with not only his play, but also the unbelievable talent of his opponent.
On the fifth hole, Avery began to trash-talk as Woods was in his backswing. Tiger played it off as a joke.
But on the 10th hole, as Tiger was putting for birdie, Avery started up again: “So Tiger, what’s this I hear about you saying that no one watches hockey? You think you can run your mouth because your commercials see more TV time than our playoff games? And those commercials aren’t even good. I’ve seen that one with you promoting that Buick Enclave. If you love it so much, then how come you’re never driving one?”
The antics came to a halt, until the final hole.
With Tiger ahead of Avery by an amazing 47 strokes, Avery took off his gloves and attempted to fight Tiger on the 18th green. As Tiger fell backwards into the sand trap, his caddy, Steve Williams, tackled Avery to the ground. The Royal Birkdale golf course security escorted Avery off of the course.
Within the hour, Avery was banned for life from the PGA tour. But he wasn’t as angry about being kicked off the tour as he was about not being able to fight Tiger.
“You know he’s a little baby with his big bad enforcer protecting him. Jesus, I felt like I was going after Sidney Crosby in the playoffs with big ole’ George Laraque guarding him. I don’t want to fight Steve Williams or George Laraque, give me the other two and I’ll show you a beatdown.”
The Rangers have decided to not ask him back, but they are currently negotiating with Tiger Woods to let them borrow Steve Williams for the upcoming season.
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