The IV is still dripping, so I know I must be alive.
But why the bed in the psych ward?
I have some recollections of the extended weekend:
It started with Texas giving Oklahoma a better game than anyone expected...and me cursing Jamal Charles’s name.
That man could fumble a cup of coffee.
I expected to lose big—but 28-21 really hurt.
Hurt so much, in fact, that I finished off a liter-and-a-half of Stoli before deciding to hit the beer (being the healthy type)...and next thing I knew I was getting a consoling lap dance from a stripper named Mary at the Million Dollar Saloon.
Funny how her telling me she was rooting for OU didn’t stop me from putting my dollar bills in her G-string.
The rest of the night is a little hazy—but I know it involved a drunken brawl with some scummy OU fans (aren’t they all) after a redneck made a comment about my Horns shirt.
I think I said something colorful about his mother’s genitalia, and asked whether he and all the OU fans could make their jealousy of the state of Texas any more obvious.
That would explain the stitches above my left eye.
But what about the dislocated shoulder?
And why was I mumbling “Folk...Folk”?
Thursday night, 7:05 P.M., Patient Checkout waiting room
Come to think of it, I do recall the Cowboys snatching victory from the jaws of Buffalo defeat Monday night...
Apparently after Nick Folk kicked the second part of his 106-yard game winning FG, I started laughing with glee at all the cocky Buffalo fans whose team had led for SIXTY MINUTES and still lost.
So excited was I that I jumped up off of my bar stool and started running around the bar knocking fists with fellow Cowboys fans...then somehow ended up getting tossed through one of the windows.
At least that explains the dislocated shoulder.
Of course it goes without saying that the following picks AGAINST THE SPREAD are for RECREATIONAL USE ONLY. The Liver’s picks are to cover the spread, not straight-up winners. Only Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, all Buffalo Bills fans, all USC fans, Dennis Franchione, Pete Carroll, Kiefer Sutherland, Michael Vick, Bill Beliprick, and Travis Henry’s nine kids and nine mommas would be drunk enough to question the Esteemed Liver's picks.
Last week’s record: 5-9
2007 record against the spread: 32-39-5
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Philadelphia at N.Y. Jets (+3)
Sorry Jets fans, but your season is over. New England already has a four game lead in the AFC East, and no one is catching them.
Filthy has something to play for, as you’re never out of it in the NFC. Hopefully Donovan McNabb’s offensive line has returned from the premature vacation they took during the Giants game two weeks ago.
Tennessee (+3) at Tampa Bay
Looks like Tampa Bay was who I thought they were: A decent NFC team that resembles Daniel LaRusso getting his ass kicked by Johnny on the beach in Karate Kid when they face decent competition.
Tennessee, led by the amazing Vince, wins UGLY...but wins. Just imagine what they could do WITH Pacman Jones.
Pick: Tampa Bay
Houston (+6 ½) at Jacksonville
The AFC South is the most competitive division in football, with all four teams over .500. This matchup will be huge for both teams, as each tries to keep within shooting range of the Colts...or at the very worst secure a Wild Card berth.
St. Louis (+9 ½) at Baltimore
Nap time—I defy fans of either team to make it through this game.
Definitely a good time to pull an H.I. McDonnough and “slip out with the boys and knock back a couple of Coca Colas.” At least both punters should get some nice exercise.
Pick: St. Louis
Minnesota (+5 ½) at Chicago
Chicago had a season-saving win against the Pack last week, and needs to follow it up with a beat-down of a bad Vikings team.
Miami (+4 ½) at Cleveland
Wonder if we’ll see a return of those amazing Canadian Soldiers that featured so prominently in Game Two of the Indians-Yankees series?
I’m not a big baseball fan, but seeing those players engulfed by those flies was one of the all-time surreal sports moments. Talk about home-field advantage.
In other news, LeBron James has officially become a sorry piece of shit bandwagoner.
Anyone catch him wearing a YANKEES CAP IN CLEVELAND during the home games? He said he’s been a lifelong Yankees fan. Kind of like he was a lifelong Bulls fan. Probably was a Cowboys fan too.
I understand why a lot of Clevelanders were seen burning their LeBron jerseys.
That’s a slap in the face to your people, LeBron. And you grew up in AKRON, OHIO, you asshole.
I’m serious when I say this to Trent Green: For the love of God PLEASE RETIRE. You’ve had two grade-three concussions in 13 months.
Washington (+3) at Green Bay
Looks like Green Bay is who I thought they were: A good team for the NFC...but not that good.
They’ll get a test when the surprising Pigs come to town, with an improving Jason Campbell at QB and a defense that looks to have regained their form from two years ago.
Green Bay HAS to generate some kind of running game, or else Brett Favre will be on his back all afternoon.
Cincinnati at Kansas City (+3)
Amazingly, the Chiefs are still in the hunt for their division, as Oakland leads the AFC West with two wins. Unfortunately, the Chiefs still suck, and Larry Johnson is acting like he needs his diaper back.
What a whiny shit. Not getting your yards Larry? Maybe if you were in shape and showed up to training camp you’d be running a little better.
Then again, considering the Chiefs woes on offense, maybe not.
Cincinnati could be in real trouble, as Pittsburgh is running away with the AFC North. But after that debacle against the Patriots two weeks ago, and the ensuing blowup between Palmer and Johnson on the sidelines, this team looks to have self-destructed already.
Carolina (+4) at Arizona
It’s possible that this could be the Geriatric Bowl.
Flower in the Mouth is out for the season. (Man, it’s been a rough week for you USC pussies.) Kurt Warner is in. Does that mean we’re gonna have to see his beating of a wife in the stands?
In other news, Jake Delhomme is out for the season, so the Panthers go and sign proven winner Vinny Interceptaverde to back up a banged-up David Carr.
That means YOU WILL SEE Testaverde on the field sooner rather than later; possibly this weekend. So I feel I must invoke the Vinny rule:
Your season is over, Carolina.
The Panthers might as well give Matt Moore a try. He was impressive during his preseason with the Cowboys, but unfortunately had to be cut. See what he has. Why waste time with a 41-year-old QB who couldn’t move if a rolling boulder were heading at him?
Oakland (+9 ½) at San Diego
San Diego may have regained their form last week in a throttling of Denver. If so, they should do the same to Oakland.
Tell me you foresaw the 2-2 Raiders leading the AFC West.
Pick: San Diego
New England at Dallas (+5 ½)
It finally arrives.
I cannot tell you the joy I'd get from seeing Bill Beliprick walk out of Texas Stadium with a loss. Like Rick says about Senor Ugarte in Casablanca, “I don’t mind a parasite; I object to a cut-rate one.”
But I'm a realist.
True, New England’s wins haven’t come against top-notch teams, but the Cowboys struggles against Buffalo proved a point that I made in my season predictions:
Tony Romo is going to have some bad games.
He’s barely started a full season, and is still learning on the job. Tom Brady, on the other hand, is playing like an MVP.
For everything that I despise about Belichick, I have to give him credit for his exceptional espionage—er, game planning. He knows how to exploit a QB’s weaknesses, and the Buffalo game made Romo's all too apparent.
The Patriots are better than the Cowboys—right now. When these two teams meet again in Glendale on Feb. 3, the Cowboys will have a healthy defense, including corner Anthony Henry and a reinstated Tank Johnson.
In the end, this is a game in October, so a loss won’t be devastating. That spread is huge for an undefeated home dog, but perhaps the Patriots are who we think they are.
The Cowboys must channel their inner Russell Crowe—as Hondo in Romper Stomper:
“What the fuck are you afraid of?! This is our place. No more running. We stop them here!”
Failing that, there's always Sam Rothstein’s threat to cheaters (Beliprick take note) in Casino:
“You're fuckin' right, you made a bad mistake. 'Cause if you come back here—we catch either one of you—we're gonna break your fuckin' heads and you won't walk out of here. You see that fuckin' saw? We're gonna use it. You don't fuck around in this place.”
The only way to beat the Patriots is to hurt them physically, because that’s what they do to you.
Angry teams usually win football games. The Cowboys have to loathe New England if they're going to have a chance.
Pick: New England
New Orleans (+6 ½) at Seattle
Any Saints fans out there?
Funny how the bandwagoners disappear when you SUCK.
Unbelievable, considering this is basically THE EXACT SAME TEAM that went to the NFC Championship Game.
I’m starting to change my opinion on the Texans' not taking Reggie “Sure I’ll take your money” Bush. They’ll always be idiots for not taking the Amazing Vince, but Bush is looking pretty average these days.
I’d say Seattle and Matt Hasselbeck are due for a bounce-back game, considering how they got rolled out of Pittsburgh.
Monday, October 15, 2007
N.Y. Giants at Atlanta (+3 ½)
Don’t look now but the Giants have won three in a row.
Bobby Petrino looked like an idiot yanking Joey Harrington and putting in the Big Fat Pouter, who promptly started throwing at the stands.
Harrington is what he is—but he knows that offense better than Byron Leftwich.