With Halloween coming on a football Saturday this year, I just couldn't shake one thought. That is, what kind of costumes the current SEC football coaches might wear if there were to be an SEC Halloween costume party. Here are some ideas:
Urban Meyer/The Pope
Reportedly named for Pope Urban, as winner of two national championships in four years at Florida, Urban Meyer is considered infallible by many of the Gator faithful. The other 11 SEC football coaches are expected to line up and kiss Urban's ring. Not to mention SEC officials...
Ever since Saban has been in the SEC, his nickname among opposing fans has been Nick Satan. That bouffant coiffure helps hide the horns. What could be more appropriate than a battle at the end of the season between Satan and the Pope?
Mark Richt/Tommy Bowden
Too tall and blond to play Terry Bowden, too young to play Bobby Bowden, that leaves Tommy Bowden for Mark Richt. Still hasn't received absolution from the Pope for that 85-man touchdown celebration two years ago. Good luck with that, Mark.
Houston Nutt/Craig the Spartan Cheerleader from Saturday Night Live (Will Ferrell)
Craig, along with his cohort Arianna (Cheri Oteri), are awkward, cheerleader wannabes who show up at school functions to do their thing...uninvited. Kind of like how Houston Nutt and his Ole Miss Rebels tried to show up at the SEC Upper Echelon Ball.
Nutt would be right at home as a high school cheerleader with his Harry High School antics, leading the fight song and mugging for the cameras after games. While at Arkansas, Nutty elbowed the band director out of the way to lead the band after a two-point win over Vanderbilt that happened only because the Commodores missed a field goal by inches at the gun.
If you google Lane Kiffin, you get about 595,000 results. Try lame kitten and you get over 600,000 results. There is even a Web site called lamekitten.com devoted to the first year Tennessee coach. Besides, Garfield likes to shake things up and his orange-like hue is close enough to the Vols orange color scheme.
Les Miles/Nick Saban
In the eyes of most fans in Cajun country—when it comes to LSU's recent coaches—Les is less than Saban and always will be. Les would prefer to be the Pope, with Miles' affinity for hats and all. That Pope hat would have to look less dorky on Miles than the lids he wears on game day, but Urban gets first dibs.
Steve Spurrier/Bill Clinton
Like the former President, Steve Spurrier had his best days back in the '90s, and both were forever changed by their experiences in Washington, D.C. Oh well, like they say, it's better to be a has-been than a never-was. We feel your pain, Steve.
Bobby Petrino/General William T. Sherman
Union Civil War General Sherman first became a General in Louisville, KY, like Petrino, and both are despised in Atlanta, GA. Sherman is supposed to have told Ulysses S. Grant that he'd "make Georgia howl" and boy, did both of these guys accomplish that feat!
Rich Brooks/John Calipari
Brooks will have to delegate the waxing of Calipari's ride to head coach in waiting Joker Phillips. It will take a full day of being made up for the dour Brooks to pull off the costume as the slick new UK basketball guru known as Calamary by his many critics. Give it a full detail, Joker. The Squid will want to make it look good for his big date with the NCAA gumshoes.
Gene Chizik/Charles Barkley
You'd be hard-pressed to find two individuals any more different than these two men. It would give Chizik a chance to answer Sir Charles' claim that the new Auburn headman was unqualified. Chizik could make like Frank Caliendo and tell Barkley his analysis is "turrible, just turrible."
Bobby Johnson/Steve Martin
Last year with the 'Dores going to a bowl, and winning, no less, Johnson must have felt like the Steve Martin character, Navin Johnson in The Jerk. "The new phonebook's here, the new phonebook's here, I am somebody!" Navin Johnson exclaimed when his name first appeared in the telephone directory.
Also, like Navin Johnson, Bobby Johnson hit hard times shortly thereafter with a 2-6 record through eight games.
Dan Mullen/SEC Official
The Mississippi State rookie head coach recently found out you don't quite get the calls at MSU that the Florida Gators receive. Mullen was reprimanded by the league, the second consecutive week a coach who just got hosed against the Gators got called on the carpet by the SEC.
A seeing eye dog and cane with a Florida No. 15 jersey make nice accessories with the striped pants for the SEC officials Halloween costume, Dan.