The New York Yankees are back in the World Series for the first time in six years. For those not familiar with the American League champions, River & Sunset has provided a brief rundown of each player.
Aceves, Alfredo: Earned "Seventh-Inning Guy" designation over the course of excellent regular season in which he went 10-1. Was unceremoniously dumped from team's plans in postseason based solely on the idea that Joba Chamberlain used to be good.
Burnett, A.J.: Highest-paid pie thrower in recorded history. Entire fanbase, and Burnett himself, is fully aware of unmerciful assault about to come at hands of the Phillies.
Cabrera, Melky: Thousands of fans downgraded "Got Melky?" t-shirts to cardio workout and garage-painting status after awful 2008 campaign. Bounced back with steady '09 and strong ALCS. Kind of looks like a teddy bear.
Cano, Robinson: Enjoyed season of 204 hits and countless wee-hour dance-offs with Melky Cabrera. Fear of hitting with runners in scoring position is equal to or greater than fear of local discotheques banning glow sticks.
Chamberlain, Joba: One-time apple of organization's eye, burly right-hander is running low on fan goodwill following maddening 2009 season. Inability to throw in upper 90s anymore has him dangerously close to JAG (just another guy) status.
Damon, Johnny: Affable and productive No. 2 batter who guaranteed new contract offer from Yankees with strong ALCS. About two years away from getting RV with Matt McConaughey in Malibu and "just seeing where life takes him."
Gardner, Brett: Supposed to be Girardi's secret pinch-running weapon in postseason but keeps on getting thrown out at second base. John Sterling dying for a reason to break out "The GARDNER plants HIS SEED!" catchphrase.
Hughes, Phil: Precipitous drop in performance is in direct correlation to shaving of porn mustache. Team's World Series hopes may hinge on if he can recover from recent struggles. Periodically-updated blog reveals affinity for really shitty nu metal (and Collective Soul).
Jeter, Derek: Further entrenched sainthood by breaking Yankees' all-time hits mark in September. Sees Friday Night Lights starlet Minka Kelly nude on regular basis. Has opportunity to win fifth World Series ring this week. Has the life you have always wanted but will never, ever, ever attain.
Marte, Damaso: Doomed in 2008 when Girardi channeled predecessor's Reliever Abused Perpetually Everyday (RAPE) strategy. Further injury problems derailed this season, but has improbably entered Girardi's circle of trust during playoffs.
Matsui, Hideki: Though knees are only knees in theory at this point, Matsui was among American League's most productive designated hitters in 2009. In all likelihood playing his final games with the Yankees. Organization will have trouble finding another Japanese icon with intense affinity for pornography.
Molina, Jose: Defensive-minded catcher has earned playing time in postseason solely because A.J. Burnett wants to straight-up murder Jorge Posada. Would likely snag bronze medal in foot race with Bill Parcells, Lieutenant Dan.
Pettitte, Andy: Another strong postseason has fans finally realizing he is among best pitchers in franchise history. FOX shows roughly 31 extreme closeups of face and/or profile per telecast. My gf enjoys this.
Posada, Jorge: Bounced back from shoulder surgery with typically ho-hum 20-homer, 80-RBI campaign. May actually be a future Hall of Famer. Guaranteed to have at least one huge hit in every postseason series. Has one of those wives who is so hot it actually makes you angry.
Rodriguez, Alex: Channeled powers of Kate Hudson's private parts to finally become postseason Goliath. Public image has undergone complete transformation over the course of six months. Managed to remove secret stipulation in landmark contract that had previously exposed him as a jackass every 90 days.
Sabathia, CC: ALCS MVP was everything Yankees could have hoped for and is probably the most amazing bear ever in the gay Yankee fan community. Is the Nintendo RBI Baseball champion in clubhouse and will likely lure LeBron James to Knicks as well. Basically the greatest dude ever.
Swisher, Nick: Sweet-natured goofball who has earned much of the credit for changing the culture of Yankees clubhouse. Inability to obtain base hits in ALCS overshadowed by season-full of goodwill earned through daily doses of "Swisher Salute" to Bleacher Creatures.
Girardi, Joe: Straight-laced second-year skipper lightened up in 2009 and earned respect from players and media in the process. Has endured rocky postseason in which 75 percent of fanbase has wanted to inject him with swine flu at times. Invokes God's name a lot more than typically necessary. Hides his braces well.
Cashman, Brian: Respected GM who has become somewhat of a Teflon Don in organization once defined by turnover and front office unrest. Deft signings of Sabathia and Teixeira brought kudos from fans and scorn from contemporaries and salary-cap enthusiasts.
Steinbrenner, Hank: Kind of like the dude at the party who start fights with people and then pretends his friends are only thing holding him back from actually kicking some ass. Resents little brother for being better-looking, actually having defined power in organization.
Steinbrenner, Hal: Yankees owner bears passing resemblance to late Superman actor Christopher Reeve, shares same sensibilities as blustery father, and has (probably) bailed big brother Hank out of drunk tank 10-12 times since 1992.
Dan Hanzus can be reached via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow Dan on Twitter at danhanzus.
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