McGwire Stresses Steroids To Cardinals Hitters (Satire)

Chris MurphyAnalyst IOctober 26, 2009

ST. LOUIS - JUNE 17:  Albert Pujols #5 of the St. Louis Cardinals is congratulated by teammate Mark McGwire #25 during the game against the Chicago White Sox at Busch Stadium on June 17, 2001 in St. Louis, Missouri. The Cardinals defeated the White Sox 8-3. (Photo by: Elsa/Getty Images)

"I can't push this enough," Mark McGwire said addressing his Cardinals' players.  "Steroids help you hit."

McGwire, former Home Run King, will return to the St. Louis Cardinals as their new hitting coach, and he has a simple slogan: "Get Big...Illegally"

McGwire proceeded to pull a Mike Singletary during his meeting and pull down his pants revealing his testicles had disappeared. 

"Would you rather have big balls or hit the balls big?" McGwire asked.

The Cardinals players seemed to take to the slogan and clearly so did management. 

"I'm on board," Cardinals manager Tony La Russa said.  "Cheating is the new fair."

A couple players were a bit put off by the whole thing, but came around in the end. 

"Cheating may be the way to go," center fielder Rick Ankiel said.  "I'm willing to try something old...I mean new."

"As long as it doesn't injure my mustache, I could care less about what it does to my body, my speed, my defense, my pride, and my seed compartments (testicles)," shortstop Brendan Ryan said.  "I'm tired of being compared to a worthless wiener like David Eckstein anyway."

The main focus, however, was how slugger Albert Pujols would feel about the new hitting coach and his slogan. 

"If you can't beat them, join them," Pujols said.  "A needle to the butt never hurt anyone and clearly will never lead to jail time.  If I get caught, I can pull a (Sammy) Sosa and forget how to speak English anyway."

McGwire was a little timid to answer questions about the reported meeting with Cardinal hitters.

"I'm not here to talk about the past," McGwire said.  "Even if the past just happened, it is still the past.  We must think about the future in the present.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go hug my son."

Twenty-one-year-old Matthew McGwire, however, seemed a little put off when dad, Mark, picked him up in front of cameras. 

Only time will tell if McGwire's way of hitting will help bring a World Series to the Cardinals, who are now estimated to hit 500 home runs in 2010.