Colorado Football: 2008 National Champions

Sometimes when you look at the Big 12 Conference, you just shake your head and ask yourself—how soft can one conference be?  You ask, how can the soft-serve low-fat frozen yogurt dripping all over my hand in the middle of summer be harder than this conference? 

When I lie back on my veranda looking into the great chasm that is the sky, I really have no idea how the Big 12 has become the Mecca of Softies, but it has clearly claimed that title with no other conference coming close—other than maybe the Ivy League.

However, the relative terribleness of this league will create a national champion in the 2008 season: the Colorado Buffaloes.  What other coach in the Big 12 is going to publicly stand up for his rights as a coach other than Dan "The Eye of the Hawk" Hawkins?  None, the softies.

What other conference would produce a runner-up Heisman trophy winner who doesn't even want to play after his rookie season in the NFL?  Vince "I am so" Young probably realized that the NFL competition was about a thousand times better than Big 12 competition, so he wanted to go home and cry to his mommy.  Luckily the inferiority of the Big 12 catapulted the Texas Longhorns to a miracle national championship.

What other conference would produce a Heisman trophy winner who doesn't even play in the league after just a few years?  Eric "I should" Crouch "Because I'm a Girl" quickly left the league once he realized that inferior Big 12 competition led to him looking like a great athlete that NFL teams would actually want on their team.  Luckily for Eric, he will always remember those days when he could run by everyone and anyone he wanted in the soft Big 12.

Nevertheless, the clear inferiority of the Big 12 will allow the Colorado Buffaloes to walk through the season virtually untouched and unchallenged.  They will tear up their first two opponents in Colorado "We Should be D1-AA" State and Eastern "We are D1-AA" Washington.  I think everybody agrees on that.

The third game pits Colorado versus West Virginia in Boulder.  Admittedly, Colorado will probably be torn apart in this game, handing them their only loss of the season.  Luckily it'll be at the beginning of the season, and the BCS will screw some better team at the end of the season because they chose to lose late rather than early.

Finally, the Colorado Buffaloes breathe a sigh of relief...they get to play in conference!  Featuring the weakest conference schedule in all of the land, they get to play Texas, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Texas A&M, Iowa State, Oklahoma State, and Nebraska. 

Now some may be wary of Texas, Kansas, Missouri, or Nebraska.  I'm pretty sure no one's scared of Kansas State, Texas A&M, Iowa State, or Oklahoma State—admittedly, they are horrible football teams.

Don't expect Kansas or Missouri to be anywhere near the teams they were last year.  Kansas lost a lot of talent—and don't expect Kansas to reload, considering their only recruiting tool is to say, "We're in the middle of a cornfield."

Missouri could present a challenge with Chase Daniels and the kid Jeremy Maclin.  Daniels is not good though, and therefore will not repeat his success from last season.  He is a mediocre quarterback at best and cannot possibly repeat his miracle season from last year.

Nebraska lost to that Kansas team by a margin of about 100 last season, so I automatically dismiss them every year because Bill Callahan ran that program straight into the ground, just like he did the Raiders.

The Texas game is on homecoming, and everyone knows the home team is supposed to win homecoming.

As I see it, this will leave Colorado with a 11-1, possibly 12-0 record at the end of the regular season.  They'll probably play the Trojans from USC.  We know that USC never wins a national championship, as shown in the previous Vince Young example.

Therefore, we will be crowning the Colorado Buffaloes the national champions at the beginning of 2009, and everyone will be saying, "Where did this come from?" 

Just let it be known—it was called here first.