(Writer's Note: This is a humor column. Jay did NOT actually send this letter to Josh McDaniels. I know B/R readers are smart enough to figure this out, but I can't speak for the whole Internet)
As much as I don't want to say "I told you so..."
Oh what the hell, I'll say it anyway: I TOLD YOU SO!!!! NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH, NYAH, NYAH!!!
How does it feel, dummy? You ran me out of town and look what happened! Look at how bad you are! Don't you miss me? I could have easily gotten you two or three more wins. I have a much better arm than John Elway, let alone that limp noodle Kyle Orton you got in place of me!
Wait a second. Ron Turner just came in told me your record. You're 6-0? Really? Oh well, it's all luck anyway and you haven't really played anyone! I'm better than Tom Brady, Tony Romo, and Philip Rivers all put together anyway! I'm the best there is!
Oh, hold on there. Kyle Orton? He has a 100.1 quarterback rating and I only have an 86.9? That's an error as we all know NFL quarterbacks can't get extra credit therefore he can not be over 100 percent! Are you that desperate, Josh? You're fudging numbers to spite me. Didn't you learn anything from Belichick? That's the kind of thing that will get you in trouble with the league. Enjoy your $25,000 fine dummy! Ha ha.
On top of that, you already ticked off Brandon. If B-Marsh knows what's good for him, he'll sit out the rest of the season since he wasn't traded by the deadline because you're too dumb. What makes this so great is that once Brandon is gone, I will be proven right. I knew what was best for that franchise. No one believes in you, and they all believed in me. Too bad the Denver franchise is being set back 10 years.
Before you ask, yes I realize we are trailing the Vikings by 2.5 games right now. I'm not worried at all. I'm better than Brett Favre ever was and we have the best running back in the NFL named Adrian Peterson. That other one in Minnesota has nothing on ours.
My offensive line is better than yours, too. I heard Clady just gave up his first sack. What a bum! Can't even make it two full seasons before getting owned and letting Orton get hit! I don't have to worry about that as mine gives me all the time in the world to throw and read my receivers multiple times. The interceptions are never my fault as my receivers sometimes run the wrong route. I yell at them and make them know to never make the same mistake again or I'll make sure management replaces them.
Finally, I am very happy to be playing on a team that has a real defense for a change. Look at you, you still have the same guys and take it from me, they suck. That was OK last year that we collapsed down the stretch, at least I got to put some really nice numbers and even made the Pro Bowl! Now, with the great defense we have in Chicago, maybe I can add a Super Bowl ring but that's not that important. All that matters is that I can hang personal accolades on my mantle.
Oh, hang on. Lovie Smith just showed me some stats. Wow, you allowed 66 points this year and we have allowed 99. See, we're better in that category too. We are just so much better than you.
Anyway, I need to get back to practice. Oh, and if you happen to bump into Uncle Mikey, the guy you replaced you jerk face, please have him mail me my binky, my blankie, and some cookies. I think he should still have them. I want them and I want them NOW!
I look forward to laughing at you when I volunteer at a soup kitchen sometime. Have fun on the unemployment line, sucker!
(P.S. Did you ever notice I have the same initials as Jesus Christ? Coincidence? I think not.)
(Another writer's note: Again this was a humor column. The views expressed in this column are indeed the views of the writer.)
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!