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We've all seen the endless hype that seems to dominate every second of coverage on ESPN for the two months leading up to the NFL Draft, but did you know that baseball has a draft, too? It's true!
On Thursday, representatives from every major league front office will select the players who will fill out their rosters at the low-A ball, short season A-ball, and rookie-ball levels of the minors. In other words, they will be picking the superstars of tomorrow!
Well, not really tomorrow, so much as six years from now. And most of them will never amount to anything. And even most of the guys who do reach the majors will mostly be average players who aren't all that great.
But still! It's an exciting event! Which is why it is being aired on ESPN...at 2 p.m.! 2 p.m.! On a Thursday!
These are our predictions for the crucial first picks of the draft. We have developed a complex and scientific algorithm that takes into consideration many factors such as organizational depth, the thinking of each front office, and the fact that, according to baseball's by-laws, the Royals are never allowed to do anything right.
1. Tampa Bay Rays—Jesus (LHP)
Is it a coincidence that the year they drop the word "Devil" from their names, Tampa Bay suddenly gets really good? GM Andrew Friedman doesn't think so, and he's hit on a plan: go holier. This is the kind of no-brainer first pick that you rarely see in baseball's draft.
2. Pittsburgh Pirates—LeBron James (PF)
For a long time, the Cleveland Cavaliers were a laughingstock in the NBA, just like the Pirates are right now in baseball. And if the Cavs could turn things around by drafting LeBron, then why wouldn't it work for the Pirates?
It's a risky pick, but if it pays off, the Pirates will be dominant for the next decade. And if not, they can always just pull a "Pirates" and trade Jason Bay for five terrible outfielders.
3. Kansas City Royals—Chuck Knoblauch (2B)
Sure, you might say that this is illegal and insane, and makes no sense, but the Royals have recognized something: they will never be good again. So why fight it?
As an organization, they have made a conscious decision to go with the flow. They signed Brett Tomko, they signed Jose Guillen, and now they're drafting Chuck Knoblauch. Their only real disappointment is that Gil Meche didn't show up in the Mitchell Report.
4. Baltimore Orioles—Omar Little (RHP)
On the one hand, you could argue that Omar from The Wire is probably a fictional character. But, if you think about it, this pick makes some sense.
For one thing, Omar is very popular among athletes, as well as fans, and will probably revitalize the Orioles franchise, both in the clubhouse and in the stands. For another, the Orioles have had pitching problems for a long time, and everyone who saw him with his Latin boyfriend knows that Omar is definitely a pitcher.
5. San Francisco Giants—A Baby (3B)
For too long now, Giants GM Brian Sabean has heard all the jokes about how old the Giants are. And you know what? He's sick of them.
So to prove his detractors wrong, Sabean will select a random baby in the first round, and immediately install him at third for San Francisco. On the plus side for the Giants, the baby probably won't be much worse than Jose Castillo.
So there you have it: the first five picks of the draft. If they're wrong, don't blame us. Blame science.
Science, you're a jerk.
17 comments Last one added about 1 year ago — Leave a Comment
JJ Stankevitz about 1 year ago
Are you sayin' the lord jesus christ can't hit a curveball?
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Greg Adams about 1 year ago
"Alright Harris, let's not start a holy war here."
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Andrew Kneeland about 1 year ago
Oh, no. Not Chuckie Knoblauch. Anyone but him...please!
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Joe Willett about 1 year ago
Maybe the Giants can take Shiloh from TomKat. Both sides win, Giants become younger, Shiloh doesn't have to kill herself. Then again, maybe playing for the Giants will help force that anyway.
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ChatterBalks about 1 year ago
Dude. It's Suri. Shiloh is toooootally Bradgelina's kid.
NOT that we read or know about stuff like that.
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Joe Willett about 1 year ago
Damn, I knew I messed something up. (from now on, insert Suri wherever you see Shiloh)
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Mike Zoran about 1 year ago
OMG, I almost literally fell out of my chair. Omar from The Wire........if all else fails the O's can sned him to Atlanta and steal Texeira. Omar is a man of all trades
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Jimbo about 1 year ago
Do you mean to tell me the Royals are going to draft Knoblauch again? This is like the, what? Fourth time? Seriously, it's time to go in a different direction, KC.
Why not look into Pete Rose? You only drafted him twice...
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Andrew Kneeland about 1 year ago
Very true. I would expect better from even the Royals management. It's 'elementary' to know not to draft a player more than three times.
But, like you say, Rose is a very likely possibility.
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Matt Smith about 1 year ago
LeBron is a horrible pick! Didn't we learn this from MJ!? Haha funny article chatter
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Matthew Irby about 1 year ago
Great article, only one problem about drafting our Lord Jesus Christ, because of his belief in education the word is that he isn't going to sign and plans on attending Catholic University of America in Washington D.C., not a huge baseball program, but He plans on upping their media prints.
As for the Giants, I figured they would have drafted Barry Bonds.
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Collin Whitchurch about 1 year ago
With the 19th pick in the MLB First Year Player Draft, the Chicago Cubs select Steve Bartman, LF.
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Bryan Thiel about 1 year ago
Can Martin Brodeur battle Russel Martin for Supremacy of Canadian Catchers for the Dodgers?
I loved this.
BT
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ChatterBalks about 1 year ago
Brodeur is one of our writer's (Ryan) favorite hockey players so you'll have to argue with him about his man-crush for like 3 hours before we can even begin to make a call on that one.
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Tim Coughlin about 1 year ago
The Giants aren't too far off with Angel Villalona as their top prospect last year, when he was 16 years old.
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Peter Hyndman about 1 year ago
I have no problem with the Rays drafting Jesus--I've been lobbying for the Phillies to take him for years now--but taking him as a left-handed pitcher!? You know better than to call Jesus a spawn of Satan based on his handedness and given that he could be drafted at any position, I sense some sublimonal satanic messaging here.
Great article though.
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John Lewis about 1 year ago
Funny article...I too second the notion of the Rays drafting Jesus.
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