The University of Texas Alumni Association (Texas Exes) lawsuit trial over the severance package paid to departing Head Coach Mack Brown was jolted today by the testimony of an unexpected witness, who was questioned by counsel for the Texas Exes.
Counsel: Will the witness please state his name.
Witness: Kirk Herbstreit.
C: Please tell the court your occupation.
W: Animated analyst.
C: You mean that's not really you I see on TV, but a cartoon character?
W: (Stuttering) Well, er, no, that's really me, in all my glory, I was just, uh, trying to, uh, say that I try to bring, uh, some, uh, animalistic life to, uh, what I say.
C: I think we understand. Were you friendly with Mack Brown?
W: I wouldn't say friendly. We had dinner together a number of times.
C: Did you talk about BCS standings?
W: BCS? Be Charismatic Saturdays?
C: I didn't know you could use four-syllable words.
At this point, Mack Brown jumps up from his chair.
Mack Brown: Objection! He never used any four-syllable words with me! (He looks mournfully at the witness)
Judge: Sit down, Mr. Brown. (Looking at the court reporter.) Hey, I just made a rhyme!
C: Back to the BCS. Did you and Mr. Brown ever talk last year's BCS standings?
W: Well, yes, I suppose we did.
C: Were there any witnesses?
W: DeLoss Dodds. And Urban and Tim.
C: Urban and Tim?
W: Urban Meyer and Tim Tebow. Tim's my hero.
C: Was this meeting a secret?
W: Yes. We had it in Tim's prayer room. But it was safe. It was guarded by 72 virgins.
C: How do you know there were 72? And how do you know they were virgins?
W: I counted them. At least they were virgins. But not after I got finished with them. (Shrugs his shoulders.) I kinda feel sorry for Tim. But, hey, he's got thousands of groups of 72 lined up.
Defense attorney: Objection! Mr. Herbstreit's sexual proclivities aren't on trial here.
W: Oh, I don't mind. I always enjoy talking about myself. (Stands up, looks to the back of the courtroom.) Are the cameras rolling?
J: Overruled. Because I'm almost as in love with Mr. Herbstreit as he is with himself.
C: (Exasperated) Can we get back to the issue at hand? You were saying, Mr. Herbstreit, that you had a secret meeting with Mr. Brown, Mr. Dodds, Mr. Meyer, and Mr. Tebow and the topic of this meeting was last year's BCS standings?
W: That's right.
C: Do you recall what was discussed at this meeting?
W: You mean besides me asking Tim what hotel the virgins were staying at?
C: Mr. Herbstreit. Can you, for one moment, stop talking about yourself? Please tell the court what was discussed at this secret meeting.
W: We felt Texas deserved to be ranked higher than Oklahoma last season in the final BCS standings. We saw how Oklahoma was beating up on the Big 12. We knew Texas had already lost to Texas Tech. So we tried to rig it. We decided to have Mack Brown as our guest during the telecast of an Oklahoma game.
C: Why was that decision made?
W: Well, Mack thought he could use his charm to sway the BCS voters. I mean, he doesn't have the charm I have, but....
C: Mr. Herbstreit, please stay focused.
W: Did you say the cameras are out of focus? (Stands up, looks to the back of the courtroom.) I can come closer to them. (Starts to climb out of the witness box.)
J: Mr. Herbstreit, please sit down. But I like your tight-fitting slacks.
C: Mr. Herbstreit, to the best of your recollection, did anyone ever tell Mr. Brown, or for that matter ESPN, that it might be unethical for Mr. Brown to go onto a telecast to lobby for his team?
W: Unethical? That's a four-syllable word I don't know.
C: Wrong. It means "wrong." To the best of your knowledge, did anyone tell Mr. Brown or ESPN that it might be wrong for Mr. Brown to go onto an ESPN telecast to lobby for his team?
W: Not until the night of the Heisman Trophy presentation. God, I just hated that Tim or Colt didn't win it. That Sam guy won it.
C: For the record, the Heisman Trophy presentation show happened after Mr. Brown went on ESPN to lobby for his team during an Oklahoma game, right?
W: I don't recall. But if you say so, uh, yeah.
C: One more question, Mr. Herbstreit. Do you think Mr. Brown is going to suffer financially if this severance package is diminished by the court's ruling?
W: No. Mack is his own man. He'll probably take a year off and write a book. (Turns to Mr. Brown.) Hey, Mack, can you include a chapter about me? Turnabout is fair play. I can send you some pictures of me and the seventy...
C: Your witness.