My Daddy Is Monte Kiffin, So Come Play for the Tennessee Volunteers!

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My Daddy Is Monte Kiffin, So Come Play for the Tennessee Volunteers!
(Photo by Sam Greenwood/Getty Images)

When the Tennessee Vols beat Georgia last Saturday, Lane Kiffin picked up the phone and dialed the man who hired him.  About time he got a little bit of credit.

KIFFIN: Mikey Hamilton!  What’s going on, man?

HAMILTON: Ehh, not much Lane.  Good win today.

KIFFIN: Hey, I told you, Mike.  I told you I could do this job. This win is so big.  We beat Georgia, Mike!  So now, we’ll never lose to them again.  And all those high school kids from Georgia will come play for us.

HAMILTON: I hope so.

KIFFIN: Mikey, what’s up?  You don’t seem excited.

HAMILTON: Well, Lane, I just think you should calm down a bit.  I mean, I’ve been at Tennessee for a long time.  We’re 3-3 this season.  We only have one big win.  Now don’t get me wrong, Lane, that was a heck of a game against Georgia.  Every game counts.  We needed that.  But let’s act like we are used to winning.  We shouldn’t get all excited over one win.

KIFFIN: Oh...umm...well, listen, Mikey.  All my excitement was on purpose.  My goal here is to get all the media and SEC coaches upset with me again, talking about how I have no class.  It’s all part of my big plan, Mikey.  I figured if I talked trash about the classiest coach in the SEC, Mark Richt, it’d get recruits fired up to play for us.

HAMILTON: How would that get recruits fired up?

KIFFIN: 'Cause we’re in the news!  I mean, everyone is talking about how I called out Georgia, saying we’d never lose to them again.  Why would a recruit want to play for a team that will never beat us again?  Just trust me, Mikey.  I know what I’m doing.  I never make mistakes.  It’s all part of my master plan.

HAMILTON: Well, it’s only one game there, Lane.

KIFFIN: I know, I know.  But this train is rolling.  We’re going to get all the recruits.  We’re going to be the best in the country.  I just know it.

HAMILTON: You said the same thing about Oakland, Lane.  I’ve seen your old press conferences.

KIFFIN: Oh come on, Mikey, how could I be successful with Al Davis?

HAMILTON: No, I admit.  Al is a handful.  But that isn’t an excuse for what happened on the field.

KIFFIN: Sure it is.  Football isn’t about performance on the field, Mikey.  It’s about all the other stuff.  It’s about getting the right players, saying the right things, wearing the coolest clothes.

HAMILTON: Wearing the coolest clothes?

KIFFIN: Sure, did you see that black jacket I had on for the Auburn game?  Man, that was awesome.  I took it off at half time, hoping it’d bring us some luck.  Oh well, guess it didn’t.  But no, seriously Mikey, you really need to start wearing really big polo shirts.  Leave it un-tucked so that it hangs down real low.  It looks awesome.

HAMILTON: Lane, are you getting ready for Alabama in two weeks?

KIFFIN: Huh?

HAMILTON: You’re playing against the No. 2 team in the country in two weeks.

KIFFIN: Oh yeah, I’m thinking of pulling out that black jacket again…

HAMILTON: I meant, are you ready to play them?

KIFFIN: Oh, yeah, Alabama.  No worries, Mikey.  I’ve got daddy watching film now.  He’s going to come up with a sick game plan.

HAMILTON: You aren’t watching film as well?

KIFFIN: Me?  Mikey, you know I don’t understand all that stuff.  I’m here to look awesome, talk big and let daddy do the rest.  That’s how it’s always been.  I mean, come on, Mikey, we beat Georgia!

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