Homecoming in Iowa City is pure craziness.
Normal pregame celebrations for home games are crazy by themselves, but add in several thousand UI alumni, an official blackout during a night game featured on ABC, and an honorary captain named Chuck Long, and things can get insane in a hurry!
Don't believe me? Well, here is a glimpse at how I spent Homecoming in Iowa City. I'll let you be the judge...
3:12 PM - Meet up with an old dorm floor buddy from the college days, Bob, whom I haven't seen for years. After the formal greetings, he asks for a beer.
3:19 PM - Bob asks for another beer. Uh oh.
6:00 PM - We head to a sports bar called The Edge and belly up to the bar. I nearly propose to the breathtakingly gorgeous hostess.
7:42 PM - Several drinks and a large pizza later, we call a cab to head downtown to the pedestrian mall, aka Bar Central.
8:36 PM - The cabbie drops us off and conveniently doesn't have change for my $20. Apparently he thought his Borat impression warranted a $9 tip. Very nice....NOT!
8:45 PM - Belly up to the bar at Quinton's. Bob orders everyone with us a shot of Patron along with his thirteenth beer.
9:30 PM - A few of Bob's friends meet up with us. Knuckle bumps galore. More alcohol is consumed.
10:43 PM - Bob orders a round of Jager Bombs for everyone.
10:47 PM - Bob's friend pukes his Jager Bomb on three random people next to us. Security boots him. I buy the puke victims a round of drinks to defuse the situation.
12:02 AM - Everyone has finally made their way through the line at Joe's Place and Bob has started hitting on the Jello Shot girl. It fails, but he does get us a discount on shots.
12:34 AM - Someone decides it's a good idea for another round of Jager Bombs. "None for the puker!" shouts Bob, which causes three-fourths of the bar to turns our way and stare. I hide in a booth.
2:02 AM - The search for a cab gets serious. Bob stumbles for three blocks and nearly gets us into three fights. He is shouting everything minus "I AM A GOLDEN GOD" at the young women passing by. Miraculously, his belligerence pays off and we crowbar our way into a cab.
2:16 AM - After arguing with the cab driver about not going the right way, Bob yells for the cabbie to pull over so we can walk. We are 10 miles from where we were and 10 miles from where we need to be. I smack Bob in the back of the head, tell the cab driver my friend is mentally handicapped and I promise 100% tip. Cab driver agrees to the impossible...ignoring Bob.
2:28 AM - Back to where we need to be. I verbally command Bob to pass out and point him to a spot to do so. 15 seconds later, he obeys command...and the snoring begins.
4:06 AM - I wake up to the sound of water hitting something. I notice Bob is using the coffee table as a toilet. It's college all over again.
10:00 AM - This hangover definitely tells me it's homecoming weekend. Nevertheless, it's Gameday and I am behind schedule.
10:06 AM - It's snowing in Iowa?!?!?! But it's only Oct 10th! Must. Dress. WARM.
11:15 AM - Bob and I grab some much needed food, water, and Red Bull at the Hawkeye Hideaway before meeting up with some friends for tailgating. Bob proceeds to hit on the bartender, despite his eyes being the color of vampire blood. He's a trooper.
11:50 AM - Let the tailgating begin! And by the looks of things, we are way behind. It is a blackout as far as the eye can see.
11:53 AM - I tell everyone Bob used the coffee table as a urinal last night.
1:00 PM - When the heck did Iowa turn into Alaska?!?!?! It's flippin cold! Time to put on the long underwear.
2:23 PM - Some people passing by have a Hawkeye Beer bong. Sure, why not.
2:48 PM - We all head to Melrose Avenue to join the rest of the Hawkeye crazies. Two cases of beer in hand...hope that's enough.
3:46 PM - We lose Bob somewhere in the Melrose Mob.
4:27 PM - We find Bob. He is hitting on a redhead now.
5:02 PM - We berate some Michigan fans near the Magic Bus. They were wearing stormtroopers outfits. We talk Bob out of throwing one of them in the mud.
6:18 PM - Our beer is gone. Time to head into the game, I guess. Alcohol and the severe cold have disrupted my ability to tell what time. Bob heads for the student section.
6:45ish PM - It's CHUCK LONG!!!!
7ish PM - ACDC's Back in Black blares over the loud speakers as the Hawkeyes come down the tunnel. Goosebumps.
7:20ish PM - Kickoff by Michigan to Iowa. Brandon Wegher has a great run back. My voice is already almost gone.
7:25ish PM - Stanzi throws a Pick-Six to Michigan on his first pass of the game. Who has the flask? I need it now.
7:?? PM - Stanzi throws a great touchdown pass to Calcium Deficiency. Good to have him back. MILK...it does a body good!
8:?? PM - Iowa scores a field goal. I get a text from Bob saying he just made out with a young coed. How in the...
8:?? PM - The Clayborn gets a fumble recovery! The score is 20-14 and Iowa has 1:19 left in the half...and they are actually putting together a drive. Awesome!
8:?? PM - That didn't work. Halftime. I start singing, "Brats and Flasks, Brats and Flasks...gotta have me some Brats and Flasks."
9:?? PM - 3rd quarter is relatively boring but Murray kicked a FG for Iowa and Michigan scored a rushing touchdown, so maybe I am just uninspired by the 1980's music coming out of the speakers. Seriously, Journey??? Score is 23-21, in favor of Iowa.
9:?? PM - STANZI TO CALCIUM DEFICIENCY FOR A 42 YARD TD!!! Bob sends a text, "I LOVE YOU MAN". I could have done without that.
9:?? PM - Clayborn just LEVELED Forcier. He looks like he doesn't know where he is at. Welcome to the Big Ten, chump!
10:?? PM - Ah crap, Michigan scored. Denard Robinson runs in for a TD. Who names their kid Denard? Brainstorming t-shirt ideas. Score is 30-28, Iowa.
10:?? PM - Brett Greenwood INTERCEPTION to seal the victory for the Hawkeyes! 6-0 baby! I do my best Johnny Drama impression: VICTORY!!!
11:?? PM - Bob calls. He is lost and needs directions. I ask him where he is at. "On a trail near a tree." Ya, that helps. I can't even see straight and now I have to help this wackadoo find his way back to where we all are. I hand the phone to a friend and tell him to deal with it.
11:?? PM - Celebratory glass of beer amongst friends to cheer on the Hawkeyes. Somehow Bob shows up just in time.
12:?? AM - Bob heads out on a mission to find the red head from earlier. Most of us doubt his ability to accomplish this goal. Some of us do a rock-paper-scissors to see who will have to bail him out. Paper covers rock...YES, not me.
1:?? AM - I find a corner on the floor and about 8 blankets to make a cocoon out of. I can't handle this cold weather, even with enough alcohol in me to kill a small town.
8:32 AM - Everyone is up grumbling about hangovers and ready to get back to reality. Despite the hangover, I am all smiles because the Hawkeyes are 6-0 for the first time since 1985.
9:00 AM - Text from Bob...he is in 20 miles away in North Liberty with the red head. He needs me to pick him up. Let's hope he didn't turn her coffee table into a urinal, too.