Week Five Fantasy Football Complaints and Ramblings

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Week Five Fantasy Football Complaints and Ramblings
(Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)

I've always advocated fantasy sports are games of numbers, not names.  The latest stats and current match-ups win these imaginary cyberspace contests.  Thusly, monikers don't matter. 

If the inverse were true, Daunte Culpepper would have been starting for many more squads yesterday.

Therefore, a successful fantasy owner remains objective, vigilantly leaving her or his biases toward an individual player out of crucial start or sit decisions.

That being said, I now despise Mike Sims-Walker.

I don't care if he's garnered at least 80 receiving yards in each of the games he has played this year.  I also no longer care if Sims-Walker is among the league leaders in touchdowns or about his drool inducing match-up in Week Six versus the abysmal Rams.

His hyphenated behind is now on the trading block, and I'm taking whatever I can get.

Sunday afternoon, well after waiver wires were closed, the Jacksonville Jaguars revealed Sims-Walker, their leading reciever, would not play because he violated an unspecified team rule.

As a result, in seperate fantasy football leagues I lost two Week Five contests by a single point each.

One Point!

I don't want to sound selfish, but whatever Sims-Walker did to be benched in the middle of bye week season better have ruined the next six Christmases for all the world's orphans.  Nothing less will be excusable.

If it turns out Sims-Walker was merely insubordinate, missed practices, or violated a drug policy (all of which are more likely than the orphan scenario), he will be banished to my personal realm of the unforgiven.

Along the same Jacksonville line, I am also disgusted with Sims-Walker's equally name-laden teammate Maurice Jones-Drew.

The diminutive top five fantasy back only mustered 57 total yards from scrimmage against a formerly floundering Seahawks squad.

Over the past three weeks Seattle has spotted their opponents roughly 27 points per game.  Somehow MJD and the supposedly red hot Jaguars were shut out.

Speaking of Oompa Loompa-like running backs, I have officially taken all I can stand of Houston's Steve Slaton.  And like Popeye, I can't stands no more.

Going into Week Five, I was well aware of a potential shoot out in Phoenix, and the Texans would have to take to the air to win.  But a 50:21 pass to run ratio is a little more than I envisioned.

After yesterday, Slaton has only gained 231 yards on the ground, thereby rushing for a mere 46.2 yards per game.  These stats coupled with the fact he is not a goal line back mean Slaton can no longer be considered an elite option.

Did you know the king of the Euro trash chinstrap Kyle Orton is 18-2 when starting at home?

Bear Country still misses you, buddy.

Football looks to have several bottom feeders this year.  But no matter how bad St. Louis and Tampa Bay seem, they have leagues to go to reach the depths the Oakland Raiders have sunk to.

Over the past three weeks Oakland has accumulated 16 points while allowing their opponents to score a whopping 96.  Even David Carr rushed for a touchdown during Sunday's blowout by the Giants. 

Next week the gloomy forecast for the Raider Nation refuses to let up as Philly comes to town.

I am seriously considering package deals including my first born in order to get my hands on as many Eagles as possible.

Hopefully Green Bay's coaching staff utilizes their bye week to teach Ryan Grant he doesn't have to go down on first contact.

The helmet to helmet hit Ray Lewis put on Chad Ochocinco was unsportsmanlike and uncalled for.  However, I'm sure the Cincinnati wide out will do something soon to justify it on some karmic level.

Still waiting for DeAngelo Williams to break out...

Unless you have an unwholesome kicker fetish, Sunday's clash between the Bills and the Browns became another entry in the annals of the worst NFL games ever.

Featuring 16 total punts, the only scoring was amassed by the field goal units in a 6-3 yawn contest.

For fantasy participants in two quarterback or uber deep formats who used Derek Anderson, my heart goes out to you.  The Cleveland signal caller set a new low in ineptitude, completing two of 17 passing attempts en route to a 23 yard performance.

Yikes.

Unfortunately for D.A. and the Dawgs it gets worse as they travel to Pittsburgh for a divisional rivaly next week.

If you are a fantasy owner thinking about starting anyone from Cleveland in the Steel City, I've got a Mike Sims-Walker trade proposal for you.

 

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