I've been awake all night and am crazy-high on caffeine and infomercials. And as I was drifting in that infinite space between sleep and buying a juicer, all these very strange thoughts came to me. So I scrambled as fast as I could, tripping over the large plaster bust of Raptor Elvis, and just started tip tap typing away.
These are my psycho predictions for the Raptors in '09-'10:
1) This team will go 0-82. Jay Triano will become the new zen master of the NBA and will teach his guys that winning just isn't important. There will be prayer chanting and a lot of incense burning, a drum circle and all the cheerleaders will be dressed up like hot hippie chicks.
2) Bosh's obsession with technology will pay off in a big way as he sneaks off midseason to an underground laboratory and has himself cloned. Then, the next year, he signs three max contracts: playing for the Raptors, Lebron's Knicks and with Dwayne Wade in Chicago. This ends up in the best seven-game series the east has ever seen...with the Raptors watching on the sidelines.
3) Demar Derozan breaks both his legs...as he becomes the first NBA player to jump right over the backboard and into the crowd.
4) The Raptors Mascot finally snaps.
While trying to get the lifeless suits in the first ten rows to look up from their Blackberrys, he pulls out two big cans of mace and starts spraying everybody. Afterwards in jail, he repents and devotes his life to charity and the Michael Crichton Home for Wayward Dinosaurs.
5) In the middle of a game with the Celtics, Garnett tries to chump Bargnani with a dirty foul, releasing the inner Italian in him. He grabs Garnett and gives him a big kiss on both cheeks. Garnett then shows him the gracious American way by punching him in the face. They're both issued techs.
6) All of a sudden, Calderon's pinpoint passes start hitting another level. He starts bouncing the ball off of opposing players heads into the waiting hands of his compadres. Everybody is amazed...until he does it one time at the free throw line and it goes in. Again, he's issued a tech.
7) Hedo Turkoglu starts taking the reference to him being the Turkish Jordan a little too seriously. In one game, he tries to dunk it from the free throw line...and he looks a little sheepish when he lands and realizes he's only about two feet past it.
8) ESPN finally starts covering some Raptors games when Colangelo convinces Triano to put in a few Globetrotters tricks during the game.
9) The Raptors' Merch department goes a little over board with Raptors Condoms. With the unfortunate slogan, "Dunk a few today!"
10) Colangelo gets his $4,000 check from Obama, after trading in last years clunkers for cash.
Yep, that's pretty much it. I think, maybe I should sleep a bit before I actually, you know, talk to anybody.
I have this weird ringing in my ear...
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