Psst...Hey Raptors, Do You Want to Know How to Win?

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Psst...Hey Raptors, Do You Want to Know How to Win?
(Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

Every single team is going to get an inordinate amount of trips to the charity stripe.

And this is of course because we have the Revenge of the Nerds squad in there trying to squint through their inch thick glasses.  They've obviously all gotten together and decided that they don't want to be seen as just letting things go, so they are calling virtually everything. 

If we followed this bizarro world to the end, we could conceivably see an NBA championship where the two best free throw shooting teams face off in the greatest snoozefest in NBA history.

I'm looking forward to the game where everybody on a team fouls out and then they have to put in the cheerleaders, I guess with some teams that would be an improvement but still...

They could change the basketball to a beachball.  MMMM...Stay focused Gerald.

The reason the experts are giving for this over abundance of calls is that the game is too fast for these inexperienced refs.  They simply can't calculate everything that's going on at the speed the game is happening in.  So by the time they think they see something they've already blown their whistle, everybody looks at them, and they've got to say something. 

"Foul, three free throws."  "But they were in the lane." "Don't argue with me.  I'm going to T you up!"

They see the TV cameras.  They feel the power coursing through their veins.  They've never been this important before (and never will be again), so they are going to make the most of this power.

And this is the point in the article that if your not a Raptors fan...you can go read something else.  Lovely chatting.  Have a nice day.  Good luck with the whole basketball season thing.

Are they gone?

Okay, Jay Triano?  Are you listening? 

Now that David Stern has screwed the pooch on the whole real referees vs. the striped weebles they have in there now, a very palpable strategy has come to light...

Make your free throws.  All of them.  There's at least fifty points a night there.

Stop practicing defence, offence...it doesn't matter.  Just have them shooting hundreds and hundreds of free throws.  As you watch their percentage rise so will our winning percentage.

Now I know what all of you are thinking. 

My God Gerald, that's just mad enough to work!!!!!

Yes I know.  The fact that I'm not already a part of Colangelo's brain trust is frankly beyond even me.

So as the Raptors are hoisting that big Golden ball up in to the light of the ACC at the end of the year, remember Raptors fans, you heard it here first. 

No please.  No applause.  Maybe just a court-side seat for life, and a scooter that I can ride around the stadium in...yeah, I guess pimping out the the cheerleaders is a no no, because I'm married.  Didn't see that coming. 

Money's always nice. 

Oooh, maybe a life size Tyrannosaurus Rex for the backyard...now we're talking!  No more problems with the neighbors.

After all I am a man of simple tastes.

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