If the Rockies stand any chance of winning the series, beating Cole Hamels in this game is crucial. I am not optimistic, even if I say I am.
11:26 a.m. — I’m back at Tom’s and bidding farewell to memories of yesterday’s Cliff Lee debacle. I’m thinking happy thoughts.
Cole Hamels is hittable today. I can feel his negative energy from 1,700 miles away. Also, Jason Werth makes me extremely nervous.
11:39 a.m. — Top 1st — That’s a lead—off single for Carlos Gonzalez followed by a second pitch stolen base. I love what he brings to this team.
11:43 a.m. — Top 1st — 1-0 Rockies Lead. Gonzo did that all by himself. We’ll call that a 1—0 Carlos Gonzalez lead.
11:55 a.m. — Bottom 1st — Ryan Howard just made my testicles suck up into my stomach missing a two—run jack by roughly 46 inches.
11:57 a.m. — Bottom 1st — Called strike three on Howard. My balls just got revenge on Ryan Howard’s balls. Got him good.
12:07 p.m. — Top 2nd — The waitress just delivered my double cheeseburger, dripping with four slices of cheese, three strips of bacon and a fried egg at the same moment Ryan Spilborghs struck out swinging on a pitch he should never have even considered. I’m having a case of mixed emotions.
12:09 p.m. — Top 2nd — My cheeseburger is for real—almost seven inches tall at its peak. I can feel the heartburn creeping up from my small intestine already.
12:19 p.m. — Top 3rd — Aaron Cook is at the plate making jokes with the umpire. When your starting pitcher is getting his laughter on with the home plate umpire, things are looking up for you.
12:30pm — Top 3rd — Jim Tracy has his microphone on. He’s making excuses for Dexter Fowler. Chalk that up on the list of today’s red flags.
12:57pm — Top 4th — And that’s a two-run bomb from Yorvit Torrealba. Sorry I judged you, Bud. You belong here. Really, my apologies. Rockies lead 3—0.
1:05pm — Top 5th — It’s nice to see Cookie swinging for the fences. You have to love a guy who’ll do everything he can to win a game.
1:06pm — Top 5th — Opposite-field single for Cookie. Plus two points.
1:08pm — Top 5th — Carlos Gonzalez is the fire in the loins of this team. That was another wildly aggressive baserunning mistake by Gonzo, but you know what, this kid just wins baseball games. Check out the team’s record since he came up. It’s out of this world.
I’m falling in love right now.
1:17pm — End 5th — My roommate just astutely pointed out that Cole Hamels looks very much like a Wii character. The resemblance is uncanny except for one detail. Wii characters don’t pout like that, not even when they’re playing like Cole Hamels is today. The guy looks distraught, a broken metrosexual man-child.
1:31pm — Mid 6th — Just watched an avocado commercial. That’s just proof one more time that there are things in this world I have yet to experience. What’s next, world? What else do you have for me?
1:36pm — Bottom 6th — Our table is tense right now. It’s runners on first and third with Ryan Howard up and Jose Contreras working in the bullpen.
I believe in my team, but it’s moments like this that really test a man’s faith.
1:39pm — Bottom 6th — Ryan Howard doubles to make it 4-1. That one is hard to stomach. There are lots of four-letter words flashing through my brain right now.
1:41pm — Bottom 6th — And here’s Contreras! Jason Werth is up. Everyone remembers what I said about him earlier...
I need someone to help calm me down right now.
1:44pm — Bottom 6th — Contreras struck out Werth, then gave up a two-run single to Raul Ibanez.
I think Ibanez’ enormous skull makes him look a little bit like an alien. Have a little of that, Rauuuul.
1:54pm — Top 7th — We barely escaped the inning and are now facing J.A. Happ. By process of elimination, that leaves Pedro Martinez to start Game Three.
I couldn’t be more tickled with that news. You can’t win a game on wild, crazed intensity alone, you just can’t. That’s not to say Pedro’s not going to give it a shot.
1:59pm — Top 7th — Seth Smith just launched a line drive into J.A. Happ’s kneecap. That’s cold, Seth Smith.
Way to play with fire in your heart, Seth. Happ is bidding “au revoir” to this baseball game. I am pleased to see him go, though I hope his knee feels better after the series is over.
2:09pm — Mid 7th — We tacked on an extra run on a Dexter Fowler sac fly making the score 5-3.
As it turns out, Hamels is going to be a dad today. Congrats, Cole. I’m happy for you.
2:37pm — Top 8th — Jason Giambi is up with the bases loaded. I swear, Giambi looks like a super villain disguised as a baseball player.
The Fu Manchu is a great touch. Even his bases loaded strikeout can’t take away my joy from seeing him at the plate. The comedic timing is amazing with him. He’s got something special going.
2:47pm — Bottom 8th — Jason Werth homered to bring the Phillies within one. Nice to see Werth making me look so smart. It’s a really unfortunate consolation prize though. I would have preferred a strikeout there.
3:00pm — Bottom 9th — I’m worried moving onto the final frame. I believe in Huston Street, but I have my doubts. This isn’t fun anymore.
3:03pm — Bottom 9th — I’m not worried anymore. TBS just showed another avocado promo. These guys really know how to lighten the mood.
3:06pm — Bottom 9th — One down. Feeling relaxed and wonderful.
3:13pm — Bottom 9th — I’m anxious as all hell. The announcer just said the words, “danger lurks.” Woah. I feel that, TBS announcer. I feel that.
Here comes Jimmy Rollins. Danger lurks.
3:15pm — Bottom 9th — Two on, two out with Victorino up...
3:18pm — Bottom 9th — Rockies win! Victorino hits a sharp liner to second to end the game. I am mentally fatigued, emotionally shot, physically bloated and still have to go back to work. What a day.
With the series tied at a game apiece, the Rockies and Phillies will move to Denver, where the temperatures may hover around freezing for the next two games.
Bring it on, Pedro. We’re ready for you, Papa Bear. We got your number. I feel it.