Come To Think of It: Hey Atlanta—Have I Got a Deal for You!

(Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

Dear Frank Wren,

So I hear that you, as the Atlanta Braves GM, are desperately seeking a power-hitting right-handed bat in next year’s lineup. According to ESPN’s Buster Olney, "Atlanta is expected by rival GMs to be very aggressive in its search for a right-handed hitter, whether it be a left or right fielder or a first or third baseman.”

Oh really, left field, eh? Is that so? Hmmm, that’s ironic because I happen to know of a right-handed bat available just north of your fair city. Can you say "Alfonso Soriano"?

Now wait, before your sides nearly split from laughing so hard, we’ll even throw in some cash. And, unlike other deals where you would be forced to unload one of your starters, we’ll give him to you for free.

That’s right, no strings attached. Just pay the majority of the $90 million that is owed to Soriano over the next five years and he’s yours.

Sure, you have pitching depth, so you can afford to trade, but why do that when you can instead save that piece to flip to another team for yet another player to help you win in 2010?

Look, we all know that Fonzie is coming off of his worst full season in professional baseball. But hey, that’s the beauty of this—you will be buying low, and everyone knows you always save more money when you do that!

Yes, I’m aware that he is—shall we say?—somewhat limited defensively. There is no such thing as a routine out when he is patrolling your outfield. But he does have a strong and accurate arm. And don’t forget, he is just one year removed from a slash line of .280/.344/.532.

And it’s only been three short years since his monster 2006 season, when he hit 46 homers and stole 41 bases. And we all know that Bobby Cox will get the most out of him, so maybe he will even start to run again, even if it's only because Cox is chasing him.

Plus, you already have a Soriano—Rafael Soriano—so what’s one more among friends, huh? And they are both from the Dominican Republic, so maybe they’re brothers! What a nice PR story that would be. Be sure to tell your marketing department about that, Frank.

I know he has a full no-trade clause in his albatross, er, I mean, very reasonable contract. But don't worry, let's just say we have some pictures. Let's leave it at that. 

And he’s not a bad guy. He’s always smiling, everyone loves him, so this is no Milton Bradley dumping here. No sir.

Um, but oh, by the way...if Soriano doesn’t interest you...while we’re talking...I’ll make you the same offer for Milton, come to think of it.

Yours truly,

Bob Warja

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