It's the middle of the week. Work is boring. Your girlfriend didn't wear makeup today. All ESPN is talking about it Brett Favre and Tim Tebow.
You need something to cheer you up.
That's where I come in. I promise this article will brighten your day—money back guaranteed!
Disclaimer—these are all completely heterosexual. I have a girlfriend.
Derek Jeter—Yeah, I know, he’s a Yankee. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s been my childhood idol ever since I picked up a baseball. There are multiple factors that make this aging first-ballot Hall-of-Famer a personal fave.
First of all, I'm man enough to admit that he’s a pretty damn good lookin’ dude. He has that boy next door look, with his huge toothy smile and clean-cut appearance. Embarrassingly, I confess that I once took a picture of his hair with me to Great Clips, pointed to the 47-year old Asian women who only spoke broken English and said, “I want that.” Unfortunately, either she skipped the Derek Jeter Haircut Day in beauty school or she didn’t think I could pull it off, saying, “no, you no want that.” To this day, I believe the former.
Also, Derek Jeter is so good at baseball that he took a typical play, the middle infielder jump throw, and did it so well that now he is forever known as the “Jump Man.” How many other players have their own play? The Jose Cruz Jr. dropped fly ball? The Ruben Rivera base running spectacular? They don’t quite have the same ring to them. I don’t think there is a major league baseball player who has caused more unearned runs in little league games by having kids try to imitate his signature play. Plus, the man has hooked up with six (possibly more) of the Maxim Top 100 list despite having the middle name Sanderson. That’s G.
Tom Brady—First of all, how can you not love his story? Sixth-round pick becomes best QB of his era. He was passed over by guys like Spergon Wynn out of football powerhouse Southwest Texas State, and Giovanni Carmazzi from Hofstra. Think the Browns and Niners regret those picks?
The San Mateo, Calif. native (my hometown, baby!) was even drafted out of Serra high school in the 18th round to play catcher for the Montreal Expos. That’s doubly impressive because he didn’t necessarily have a body that makes you go, “wow, what an athlete.” He gives short white guys like me hope, maybe not to dominate the NFL, but intramural football at Oregon certainly isn’t out of the question.
He is basically the Derek Jeter of the NFL, a golden boy who leads their team to multiple championships, has multi-million dollar endorsements, the hottest girlfriend in the world (sorry baby, Giselle is well, Giselle) and has led the Sports Dude to several fantasy football titles. He even held his own in a recent guest appearance on Entourage, looking like a Ralph Lauren model while simultaneously making fun of Johnny Drama. Impressive.
Paul Rudd—So what if he’s not a star athlete? If I could trade personalities with anyone, it would be him. The talented actor displays the perfect combination of witty quirkiness, boyish good looks, happy-go-lucky attitude and shyness topped with a subtle yet strong sense of confidence. His resume is impeccable, starring in The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Anchorman, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and I Love You, Man, while also adding a little extra bit of wonderful to seasons six through eight of Friends, and displaying some impressive range in his performances of Nick Carraway in the Great Gatsby and the bad guy in the Halloween movie from 1995.
Once again, he gives me hope of becoming famous. One look at Mr. Rudd and all you see is an unassuming, mildly chubby, 5’9 pale white guy. But the more I watch him, the deeper my man crush grows. I think it’s because I can relate to him. And damn, can he dance—the sexuality was palpable.
Coming soon: The Anti-man Crushes, People the Sports Dude Hates.