It's the most wonderful time of the year. (I actually just sang that out loud)
It's the NBA playoffs.
The sun is shining.
The birds are chirping.
Lakers' flags flap in the breeze.
There's magic (not Johnson) in the air.
And if all this wasn't enough, the basketball Gods have smiled down upon us all and are gifting us with a Lakers/Celtics match up.
Admit it, you want to go to one of these games. Admit it!!!
Have no fear. I'm here to help...
Ten ways to get into the Lakers/Celtics' NBA finals.
1) David Stern
You must become a close, personal friend of Stern's. Or just have blackmail-worthy photos of him. The way that Joey Crawford clearly must. In fact, call Joey and ask (nicely) if you can borrow said photos. Promise to take him out to lunch as a thank you: Just you, Joey and Tim Duncan. Sweet.
2) First Born
Call every radio station in L.A. or Boston that's handing out tickets to lucky winners and offer to name your first born "Black Mamba", or "Boston Three Party", depending, of course, on which team you plan to approach.
This will be most effective if you are already with child and are soon to spawn. If you may spawn during any of these games, all the better!
3) Break In
Break in to either arena the night before the game. Hang out in the rafters. Survive on a diet of popcorn and the often discarded ends of hot dog buns until morning.
4) Blame Kobe
Get in line to accuse Kobe of having an affair with you. Then tell the attorney's who come after you that you are willing to settle for a pair of courtsides, and VIP parking (Parking near the Staples Center is bothersome). This is most effective if you are a dude... because if you're a girl, somebody's already beaten you to it.
5) Get Jacked Up
Become a very close personal friend of Jack Nicholson between now and Game Three in Los Angeles. Throw yourself at his mercy. Beg him to take you. Show a little skin if you must. Don't be so shy! This one's for all the marbles.
6) No Sweat
Go get yourself one of those handy dandy sweat mop thingies that keep the floor from being slick during the games. Get the biggest one you can find. Show up on game day, clock in for work. I think those things are expensive. But no worries. This can replace your Swiffer Sweeper when all is said and done.
And I mean a LOT. If your prayers aren't answered, quickly convert to another religion and try praying to another God. Maybe he'll be more cooperative.
8) Cheer up
Wait patiently outside of the arena before the game. When you see the cheerleaders show up, slip into line with them and make your way in. You're one of them now. Cheer your heart out. I bet you'll look so pretty in your uniform! I beg of you to send me the photos.
Show up on game day with a maintenance van. Borrow one, steal one, or even paint a phony business logo on your existing vehicle. Go up to the entrance. Tell them that there's a leak. Or a hot water malfunction. Or a towel shortage. Whatever! Just get in there, you!
10) Go delusional
Develop a complete inability to tell fact from fiction. Reality from fantasy. Say things like "Who am I?" "Where am I?" "Why won't Jordan Farmar return my calls?"
Then, on Thursday night, Game One, retreat to this alternate universe where you sit center court, up front. Because, sadly, as coveted as these tickets are, this may be your best shot at getting in...
If any of these work for you, you owe me! BIG.