Finally, mercifully, the regular season is over.
The St. Louis Cardinals have completed 162 baseball games for 2009. And calling their 7-14 finish since September 11th "limp" would be like saying Jon Gosselin is "under-qualified" to father eight kids. Or Lamar Odem "kind of rushed" to the alter.
You'd be technically right, but woefully underestimating the stank emanating from this clubhouse.
The Cardinals backed into the playoffs with a brash attitude. A brash attitude of complete complacency and reckless lethargy.
Flat out? They f***ing suck right now.
Not a little. A lot.
And come Wednesday, we're going to find out exactly what kind of apple bag is dangling 'tween the legs of the NL Central Champs.
Lucky though for you, Bleacher Report is here to provide five bold predictions that are sure to be wrong about the pending NL Division Series between the Birds and the Los Angeles Dodgers.
1) Tom Niedenfuer embraces his failure in the wake of passed time, a la Bill Buckner, and is recognized by the Dodger organization as one of the true Dodger greats. He'll get a rousing ovation from a packed Chavez Ravine audience before Game Two.
After briefly basking in this feel good moment, Vin Scully points out that Niedenfuer, in fact, honked a big fat dong most of his career before ordering Jack Clark to eat him.
2) TBS, which has been busy cutting promos for Friends (very funny, indeed, TBS...) will cut together various packages for game play with the same tired Manny versus Pujols comparisons.
Expect to also see special Manny and Pujols on-screen graphic packages, unique animations, and possibly, quite possibly, cameos for both on an upcoming ''Meet the Browns'' Latino special Tyler Perry probably has in production as we speak. Meanwhile, every other player will end up deciding this series.
3) Scott Boras will fill his season ticket right behind home plate with a giant poster board that simply reads: "DeWitt: Ha! Love Scott." Cardinals owner Bill DeWitt Jr. will not publicly deride this overt humiliation at his failure to sign Matt Holliday before he hits the open market. But privately, he will seethe.
4) Rick Ankiel will realize his days in St. Louis are extremely numbered and break his only rule... and sleep with all his teammates' moms in a torrid three-week span that will span two continents and over 10 countries, all while still having time to service your girlfriend before game time. You will hate him for this, but be impressed as well.
5) Matt Kemp and Adam Wainwright will transition from undervalued commodities that baseball nerds laud as burgeoning stars, to mainstream stars that baseball nerds will demonize as overrated hacks.
They will also have stats that definitively prove these theories beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Coming this week: a position-by-position breakdown of the Dodgers-Cardinals series and one bold series prediction.
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!