The good news is that I was 9-7 versus the spread in the NFL last week and 1-0 in college. The bad news is I missed my first STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(tm) and UPSET SPECIAL. From now on, maybe I’ll just stick to one SCLPL per week, as I got cocky with the Steelers, who are one more loss away from being dead to me.
The coin flip option is still available.
As usual, the following picks are for recreational purposes only. Don’t gamble on my advice. I’m just an idiot with a computer. Home team in CAPS:
Oakland(+9) at HOUSTON: There will be a lot of death threats this week. We will start with Houston, who should have pounded Jacksonville last week. Take the Texans and give the points.
Houston, if you don’t cover, you are DEAD to me.
Tennessee (-3) at JACKSONVILLE: I don’t like Jacksonville. I don’t like the team. I don’t like the coach. I don’t like the city. I don’t like the fact that they lead the league in guys with hyphenated last names. Titans get their first win of the season and cover the three. STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(TM).
Baltimore (+2) at NEW ENGLAND: So I spent the last week in Baltimore trying not to get shot in broad daylight, and everybody thinks the Ravens are like the second coming of the 72 Dolphins. Look, the Ravens are a fine club.
They are probably going to win 11 or 12 games. This will not be one of them. Patriots giving only two points at home? That’s like stealing. Take the Pats, give the two, and despite an earlier promise that I would stick to one per week, I am making this one also a STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(tm).
Ravens winning in Foxboro. Pssh.
Cincinnati (-6) at CLEVELAND: Cleveland is going to Derek Anderson at QB. I don’t care if they start the ghost of Joe Montana (insert laugh track here), as long as Eric Mangini is coaching there, I will NEVER pick the Browns to win anything, except the worst team ever championship. Take the Bengals and give the six. Whoa, did I just say take the Bengals minus six? Wow. The Browns must really suck.
NY Giants (-8.5) at KANSAS CITY: The Giants are the quietest 3-0 team ever. The Jets are getting all the press in New York, while they Giants just go out and pound people every week. Kansas City is horrible, yes, but great teams pound horrible teams, and that is what the Giants will do here. Take the Giants, give the points, repeat until January.
Detroit (+10) at CHICAGO: I cannot, cannot pick the Bears. I’m sorry, Jay Cutler just makes me nauseous. I can’t do it. No logic, just don’t like the guy. Take the Lions plus ten.
Tampa Bay (+7.5) at WASHINGTON: Jim Zorn. Dead man walking. Take the Bucs plus the points, UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK.
Seattle (+10) at INDIANAPOLIS: Seneca Wallace, you are not quite dead to me, but that’s only because I remember how great you were at Iowa State. Having said that, you have no shot this week. None. Indianapolis wins and covers the ten.
NY Jets (-7) at NEW ORLEANS: In a battle of unexpected 3-0 teams, the Saints are somehow favored by a touchdown. Really? Jets cover the seven. They might even win.
Buffalo (+1.5) at MIAMI: Everybody who had the Dolphins at 0-3, raise your hand. Liars. Miami gets it done at home this week, take them minus the points.
Miami, last chance. You lose this week and you are DEAD to me.
St. Louis (+9.5) at SAN FRANCISCO: The 49ers would be 3-0 if they hadn’t gotten Farved last week. They played well enough on the road to beat a very good Minnesota team. I shudder to think what Mike Singletary did to them this week. They will take it out on the Rams, who seriously may not win a game this year. Niners win big, take them, give the points.
Dallas (-3) at DENVER: No love for the 3-0 Broncos? They are an inexplicable home underdog to the Cowboys here. Why is everyone so in love with Dallas? I don’t get it. I think that Denver, somehow, goes to 4-0 here, but even if they don’t, they will cover the three, take them plus the points.
San Diego (+6) at PITTSBURGH: Man, I don’t like this one. Not one bit. I think the Steelers win a close one, even without Willie Parker. Like a Republican voting for John McCain, hold your nose and take San Diego plus the points.
Green Bay (+3.5) at MINNESOTA: Despite what ESPN will tell you, there is really not that much juice for this game. Now, Farve at Green Bay? That will be Must See TV. This is just a big divisional game. Vikings win as AP goes for 250 and three touchdowns, take Minnesota minus the points.
COLLEGE DOUBLE DIP:
Florida State (-3.5) at BOSTON COLLEGE: FSU’s wild inconsistency will pay off this week. After getting manhandled physically at home by a South Florida team that is better than people think, FSU bounces back with a teasing beatdown of Boston College. Then they will revert to the mid-major they have become again the next time that they play. Take FSU minus the points.
Virginia Tech (-13.5) at DUKE: It’s funny, but if I’m Virginia Tech, I take being favored by only 13.5 at Duke as an insult. I think Frank Beamer’s boys will too. VT beats Duke like they stole something, take them minus the points.
LAST WEEK: 9-7 NFL, including 1-1 STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(tm), 0-1 UPSET SPECIAL. College, 1-0.
STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(tm): 3-1
UPSET SPECIAL: 2-1