I'm traditionally very cautious when it comes to joining social networking sites.
I was once, and possibly still am, a member of Friendster, which was basically modern social networking's caveman to Facebook's fully-evolved human.
I like to think being on the ground floor for this stuff makes me a groundbreaking Jackie Robinson-type (minus the whole "brave black man" angle and ability to steal home on Yogi Berra).
Being on Friendster also means I'm old. Well, not old old, but at 29, definitely Internet Old.
Put it this way: There was a time when no outgoing phone calls could be made at my house when I was trying to look up Yasmine Bleeth stills from Baywatch Nights. Gruesome photo galleries on Rotten.com once dominated lunchtime conversation at the local Taco Bell. You get the idea.
Like most old people, I resist change. I didn't want to leave MySpace when it gave way to Facebook, but like a sheep, I eventually followed. But I drew the line at Twitter. Sneering like a crusty old man, I barked, "What does the Twitterer offer that Facebook doesn't?"
The answer to that is Nick Swisher.
Swishalicious himself has been tweeting since February. With this information in hand, I immediately joined up and have been entertained ever since.
Without further ado, my Top 10 Swisher Tweets of the regular season:
10) Let's do the damn thing—12:13 PM, Aug. 21
I can only assume this is in reference to a Gossip Girl.
9) coolest name in baseball. Do it Sergio—4:01 PM, Aug. 29
I can't really disagree with Swish here. It definitely beats Sidney Ponson.
8) Thank the good lord for mothers. Obviously if it weren't for them we wouldn't be breathing. Give your mom a hug &tell her you love her.—9:11 AM, May 10
In what amounts to the closest he will ever come to penning a novel, Swish gets all heavy on us. I can only imagine his deeper thoughts on the topic, though that almost certainly involves an off day and a three-foot bong.
7) Check out my buddy Chris Isaak's show with Michelle Branch at Beacon Theater in NY Wed night. Cool guy, new CD, awesome entertainer!—8:56 PM, Aug 3
A glimpse into a recurring theme in Swish's life: his random acquaintances with quasi-celebrities of America.
6) i love the underdog! you can't ever measure what's inside the heart. did you see that 50-1 longshot win in the Kentucky Derby?—8:51 AM, May 3
Professional athletes love talking about heart. Especially Swish.
5) Texsual Healing baby. Do it Tex. Huge bomb.2 more to go—8:14 AM, Aug. 15
This one cracks me up—especially when you remember that Mark Teixeira is the biggest square alive and probably felt it was wholly inappropriate.
MT: "Uh, hey Swish? Would you mind toning down your comments about me on the Twitter? (Lowering voice to whisper) The Texsual comment was a little blue for my taste."
NS: "Awesome bro! Never again! You have such HEART! Wanna shotgun a Red Bull with me?!?! AWESOME!"
4) check out my boys from Staind and Creed live in Houston tonight on mycontent.com. And root us on tonight against the Red Sox—4:21 PM, Sept. 25
Is there anything less appealing than a Staind/Creed double bill in Houston? You know Swish and Johnny Damon have had earnest discussions on the lyrical meaning of "With Arms Wide Open." It got misty on those cross-country flights, no doubt.
3) Looking for a new tune to walk up to the plate...any ideas?—2:00 PM, Jun. 22
The "Will You Take Me Higher" song? "My Sacrifice"? (only in sacrifice bunt or fly situations, of course) "Wicked Games," perhaps?
2) heading to dinner with CC and a bus of his family! met michael jordn and tori spelling,,,,and we won! great day!—5:13 PM, Apr. 17
So let me get this straight. Over the course of 24 hours, Swish played right field and won for the New York Yankees, and then met CC Sabathia's mom (and we know how Swish feels about moms), the star of Space Jam, and Donna Martin Graduates? I want to be Swish for one day. ONE DAY. Are you listening, God???
1) HELL YEAH! AL EAST CHAMPS!!! It's party time!—6:52 PM, Sept. 27
If you were wondering why the Yankees' clubhouse celebration after clinching was roughly 400 percent more rambunctious than in years past, look no further. It's all about Swishalicious. And that's a good thing.
Dan Hanzus can be followed on Twitter at danhanzus. His tweets are not nearly as impressive in arc and scope as Nick Swisher's. Click here to read the first edition of "Random Thoughts From River Avenue."