Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
The Bengals finally ended Pittsburgh's eight-game winning streak in Cincinnati, knocking off the defending Super Bowl champs, 23-20, on Carson Palmer's four-yard strike to Andre Caldwell with 14 seconds left.
"Individually, we've all been able to say we're AFC North 'players,'" says Chad Ochocinco. "Now, after beating Pittsburgh and going to 2-1, we can collectively say that we're AFC North 'players.'"
"And we can build on this win with a victory at Cleveland Stadium, where I can revisit my 2007 leap into the Dawg Pound. You know, I believe I'm the only opposing player to accomplish both the 'Lambeau Leap' and the 'Dawg Pound Leap.' And, just as I paid some Bengals fans to sit in the stands at Lambeau, I've commissioned Metallica to remake their 1986 hit 'Leaper Messiah' in my honor. Of course, that's news to them, and I'm pretty sure I'll have to introduce myself to them, and show ID."
Cleveland's Eric Mangini is faced with a tough decision of choosing a quarterback between Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson. Both played miserably in last week's 34-3 loss in Baltimore.
"You know," says Mangini, "the decision may simply come down to a coin flip. That's assuming I can find a three-sided coin."
Ochocinco pulls some more strings, scoring some end zone seats for some Bengals fans, and puts in a good word for Quinn via Twitter, posting that Mangini should "Quinn and bear it." Cedric Benson, who is imminently more suited to life behind the Cincy offensive line than the wheel of a car or boat, rushes for 98 yards and a touchdown. Ochocinco scores in the third quarter, then jumps for joy, landing in the lap of Joy, a Bengals fan from Akron, Ohio, enjoying the game on Ochocinco's dime.
Bengals win, 27-13.