If Pro Wrestlers Weren't Pro Wrestlers...
What would happen to all of the professional wrestlers of the world if the global financial crisis had hit home and every wrestling promotion around the world folded? What other professions would some of the more well known superstars be suited for? Read on to find out!
It's the year 2012, and three years have passed since "the incident" that ended the world of pro wrestling. Let's have a look at what some of the superstars have achieved in that time, shall we?
Four past and present pro wrestlers formed an unlikely alliance to represent the United States at Germany's annual Oktoberfest. They swore that they would do their country proud and show that Americans can drink just as much as any other country.
The group consisted of Robert Roode and James Storm (Beer Money, Inc.), ECW's Sandman, and their team captain, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. They may have gotten alcohol poisoning, but they won every beer skolling contest that they were in!
Two of the most athletic individuals in the history of the now defunct WWE decided to give high jumping a go. They are Kofi Kingston and Shelton Benjamin.
Kingston has done fairly well for himself, but the real success story is Shelton Benjamin's. He's considered to be one of the most gifted people to take part in the sport, but he still hasn't won any world championships.
Chris Jericho works at a call centre. Anytime somebody tells him that they aren't interested in what he has to say, he yells at them and calls them a sycophant.
Santino Marella somehow made it onto a team in the Serie A Italian Soccer League. He has Italian blood in him, and he's good at falling over at the drop of a hat, both of which are essential skills in world football.
Dolph Ziggler has started working as a Wal-Mart greeter where he stands at the entrance and introduces himself to all of the customers. Unfortunately for him, his name tag reads "Mr. Ziggles"
Edge is a game show host on Canadian television. He tells it like it is, and isn't subtle in doing so. As soon as somebody gets a question incorrect, Edge jumps down their throat and yells "wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG!"
The incredibly flexible Melina became a professional gymnast, but a few months ago she was involved in a plane crash. She gave new meaning to the expression "kiss your ass goodbye."
Both John Cena and Beth Phoenix joined the USA Olympic weightlifting team. Hollywood Hogan thanked Phoenix for bringing back the term "hulking up" just before she lifted the dumbbell.
Cena on the other hand has won every event he has been in because the other competitors forfeited. One of them was quoted as saying "What's the point? Nobody can beat John Cena!"
D'Angelo Dinero has reverted back to his Elijah Burke name, and he returned to the lucrative sport of boxing, which he had a very successful amateur career in before pro wrestling. He lost the first match of his long awaited boxing return when he bent down to adjust his knee pads in anticipation of an "Elijah Express."
Hernandez works on the USA/Mexico border, helping to keep out those that shouldn't be there. He's happy with his new job because he gets to use his "Border Toss" maneuver on a daily basis.
Evan Bourne is training to be a high diver, but the only move he can perform at the moment is a single back flip where he hits the water stomach first. Ouch!
Jerry Lawler and Linda McMahon entered the world of politics. Lawler didn't get enough votes after he announced his controversial "everybody gets a crown" policy, and Linda McMahon spent $100 million in advertising before giving up on ever getting elected.
Hector Guerrero, who wasn't set up financially when he lost his job with TNA, has resorted to making indy appearances as "The Gobbledy Gooker." Donations can be made through his website.
Jillian Hall started to sing professionally full time, but her career only lasted one fateful night at a Dodgers game. After she had sung the first note, the crowd bombarded her with pretzels, which were conveniently being given away for free.
R-Truth released his new rap single "Wassup" which somehow sold 150 million copies worldwide. He's now living it up in his solid gold home on the west coast.
MVP decided to turn pro and play in the NBA. As a marketing ploy he was elected captain of the team due to having a big name that would hopefully draw in the sponsors. His team lost their first game 144-2. MVP scored the 2 points from 17 free throw attempts.
Here's a quick run down of some of the other occupations that wrestlers, male and female, and gone into:
- Big Show tried his hand at boxing, but realized that it takes more than one punch to win a match.
- Festus is now in a medical research facility.
- Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres are now models. ODB is not.
- In an ironic twist, Scott Steiner teaches english to foreigners.
- Randy Orton is now the face of Johnson's & Johnson's baby oil.
- The Miz now works at McDonalds. He still thinks he's awesome.
- CM Punk is in rehab after an overdose of Vicodin.
- Eric Young is once again known as Super Eric, and he has formed a crime fighting duo with The Hurricane. Their arch nemesis is Cryme Tyme.
- Triple H approached CBS about a possible new tv series which is a spin off of one of their other more successful comedies. His new show is called "The King Of Kings."
- Jack Swagger got a job doing the voice of Sylvester the cat for Warner Bros.
- Abyss landed a gig working as a stunt man on a movie set. He gets cut, tasered, and set on fire on an almost daily basis. Not much has changed...
- Ric Flair, who's still strapped for cash and looking for another paycheck, has taken up MMA. He hopes to one day win the UFC Heavyweight Championship so he can sell it.
- Kurt Angle made the decision to return to amateur wrestling and he made it all the way to the Olympics where he broke his neck, again. Angle fought on and won the match. Now nobody can shut him up because all he says now is "I won a gold medal with a broken freakin' neck...TWICE!"
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