TSN Cribs - Kobe Bryant

Here’s an oldie but goodie from my Sporting News vault (circa Jun 28, 2007 ). This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.

After weeks of on and off negotiations we received clearance to shoot Kobe Bryant’s crib. Actually there are two huge mansions on this property. One to house Kobe and his family, the other to house Kobe’s giant ego. Kobe e-mailed to say it was OK.

Then he called us and said it was off. Then he texted us to say it was back on. Then he sent a singing telegram to cancel it. Finally, I said enough and called his wife Vanessa. She gave us the OK, and I didn’t even have to buy her a big, expensive diamond ring.

The driveway is real cool. It is all purple with a white 8 in it. There are contractors here to change it to 24. Kobe programmed them in his speed dial in case he needs to change the color or the number again. A real estate agent just arrived to put a "For Sale" sign in Kobe’s front yard. The real estate agent says “don’t worry, he would never force his way out of town”. Tell that to Charlotte I reply.

The interior of the house has a Venetian feel. Kobe really enjoyed his time in Italy as a child. He had a canal put in and there are gondolas to take you around the house. We hop in and head to the living room. Pretty typical stuff here for a superstar. You have the large plasma TV, the vintage leather furniture, the whole works.

In the kitchen is Kevin Garnett. He’s camped out here hoping to be Kobe’s next teammate. “What’s up dog?” Not to much KG. How are you doing? “Good. Trying to figure out a way to get out  of here man. Me and Kobe would be unstoppable.”

Well, you could certainly work on your passing skills with Kobe as your teammate. To Kobe a pass to his teammate is considered a turnover. Be careful he doesn’t try to do you like Shaq. KG just smiles. Good luck KG. “Thanks”. Kobe has a fridge stocked with Bling H2O. Only the very best for Kobe.

Kobe’s game room is just sick. He has all of the latest games for the Wii and PS3. He has a custom NBA Live 2008 with his image instead of Gilbert Arenas’. Shaq has also been programmed out of the game entirely.

Andrew Bynum has been programmed to wear diapers.

Kobe houses his trophy in this room. Like him or not, the guy is an amazing hoopster that has racked up his share of awards.

In Kobe’s room, Vanessa has hung a photo of Kobe’s mugshot to remind him of his infidelity. Kobe now has to ask permission when he goes out with his “friends”. In the corner of the room is Kobe’s desk where he keeps up truth.kb24.com.

Looking out the window I see the real estate pulling the "For Sale" sign. I guess Kobe changed his mind again. There’s a CD on Kobe’s nightstand. Curious, I pop it in.

Oh, it’s Micheal Jordan’s Gatorade jingle. Only he’s dubbed Kobe over Mike. Try as you might Kobe, you’ll never be Jordan.

I could end by showing you Kobe’s cars, but I dont’ want to feed his ego anymore. Until next time, this is TSN Cribs.

Past Cribs
John Madden
Dick Vitale
Pete Rose
Tonya Harding
Pacman Jones
Wilt Chamberlain
Nick Saban
Barry Bonds
Kevin Garnett
Mike Tyson
O.J. Simpson
Michael Vick
Todd Bertuzzi

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