Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
What would Paul Revere have said were he around to herald the arrival of the 3-0 Baltimore Ravens to Foxboro?
"Well," says Ray Lewis, "I'm sure after ducking gunfire from Tom Brady's entourage, Revere would have relayed the message that 'The brutish are coming! The brutish are coming! Then Paul would probably hand-deliver some bootleg daguerreotypes of a Ravens' practice.
"Now, I relish the chance to stare across the line at Brady, gaze into his eyes, and try to enter the mind of a quarterback and see what he sees, particularly in his bedroom.
"Actually, I'd much rather enter the mind of a cornerback, like the Pats Jonathan Wilhite. This guy said two suspicious people were outside his home. One yelled at him, and Wilhite ran!
"Has he not read the NFL cornerback handbook?
"In that situation, you should wave your weapon in the air. Firing it is optional, but recommended. Then you should go to a strip club to calm your nerves. On top of all this, he injured his groin running from the suspicious people. So, instead of pulling a 'jammy,' he pulled a 'hammy.'"
The Patriots are back on track after a 26-10 win over the Atlanta Falcons, as the New England running game clicked to the tune of 168 yards. Against the Ravens and their No. 1-ranked rushing defense, however, the Pats may have to rely more on the passing of Brady.
"We've diagnosed some weaknesses in the Ravens' defense," says Brady, "through video study, of course. And we plan on taking advantage of those. Some call Bill Belichick a genius; I call him an auteur, a true master of exploitation films.
"We know the Ravens will come after us. They aren't lacking in confidence, and, on top of that, they've got wings, for added reassurance."
The Ravens will have no trouble stopping the Patriots' rushing attack, especially since New England won't bother trying to run. The Baltimore rush defense is so good, the Patriots will have no choice but to throw.
And they'll be successful.
But so will the Ravens' offense—passing, and running.
Barring an early snowstorm, this won't be a defensive struggle.
New England wins, 27-23.