MMA: Fighting Shorts, Grandma Styled

Dorothy WillisSenior Writer ISeptember 30, 2009

Wishfully thinking, designing MMA fighter's shorts should probably be my next undertaking in life.

I have always loved art, studied it, and still practice creating pieces in almost every medium, so for me, even at my age, I don't think it would be such a stretch.

True, I never studied sewing in Home Economics, and now, having decreased dexterity, I would have to be satisfied with designing the shorts rather than making the finished product, but oh well.

Having been a psych nurse, listening to other's horror stories, as well as surviving a few of my own, I think I have several good ideas about what would truly terrify an opponent, though it might be hard to fit the logos of fighters' sponsors onto my very busy designs.

After doing something completely insane at the age of forty and managing to catch both myself and our family home on fire, I find flames very frightening. This was most evident when I was admitted to a room on a psych floor that had flame patterned curtains shortly after the event.

Imagine awakening to find yourself on fire, seeing your hair flaming, and watching blisters bubbling up on your own face. Now imagine surviving the debriding daily and finally being released from an ICU unit where the curtains around the bed didn't reach the floor and everyone knew when you limped to the commode, only to be put in a room and wake up daily to the orange tinged flames on the curtains of that room every morning. (See, I have had an exciting, crazy life).

Frightening is not the best adjective to use for such an experience! It certainly increased my already high blood pressure, in spite of taking my daily medication, and made me frantic to change rooms.

So I would expand on Tito's Team Punishment's rising flames designed clothing and present my own version called "Shorts on Fire." If this didn't incite the wearer to quickly take down and try to smother his opponent, I don't know what would!

From my own experience, which incidentally did enforce my Christian beliefs in a fiery hell, I would hate to be ground and pounded while under a demon wearing trunks covered in flames (of course I would hate having anyone, regardless of garb, doing a ground and pound clinic on me anyway).

Next, I think "Blood Spatter" chic patterns all over fight shorts would be terrifying to many opponents too. You know I am a fan of the show and character, Dexter, who studies, photographs, and makes many blood spatter patterns on his own. It is one of my favorite TV series...don't you enjoy it on Showtime too?

Now fighters, much like registered nurses, must become used to the sight of blood and still be able to continue performing without fainting. This is essential in either career! I am sure Amir, Rory, and Phillipe will confirm that fact.

Somehow, after watching BJ Penn licking the blood of his opponents off his gloves, I find myself shuddering every time a fighter has a cut that begins spurting. How Daddy Joe Stevenson and Clay Guida can continue to fight with the massive amounts of blood that have been unleashed by an elbow or other vicious strike to the head, is beyond me.

Call me crazy, but I would want an immediate doctor's opinion and some crazy glue or butterfly stitches at least before continuing my onslaught.

How would it be to fight someone in shorts designed to portray blood splattered all over your opponent's lower torso and having to wonder if it is your blood, his blood, or simply a design? It would certainly give me pause; giving said opponent an opportunity to wallop some real blood out of me, which of course, would be exactly the whole point.

Finally, because I suffer from extreme vertigo, I would try to design the most confusing neon colored psychedelic patterns possible to dizzy opponents, making them forget which way is up, and hampering their equilibrium. Hey, at my age, one uses any and everything one can to gain an advantage.

With old age comes treachery...even in styling fighters' pants.