The Terrible Ten Of College Football: Week Four

But the days grow short when you reach September
When the autumn weather turns the leaves to flame
One hasn't got time for the waiting game

 Frank Sinatra on coaches going south in September.

Teams go south in September. Coaches crash in October. They make for Novembers no teams want to remember.

Maybe its the Halloween season or the bad mojo of many stock market crashes but whatever it is an October gone sour takes the stomach from any team.

An October collapse makes for a long November. 

Onward to October and the Terrible Ten, let the warm glow of epicaricacy fill your football mind.

Lets do the schadenfreude swing!

1] The State of Kentucky 4-10 [Kentucky Wildcats, Western Kentucky,  and Louisville]

The State of Kentucky was beaten 109-43 last week by a bizarre coalition of foes which included Florida, Navy, and Utah.

The last time such a strange alliance was formed to defeat a single state Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin were sipping whiskey and vodka in Malta.

2] Virginia [0-3-1]

This weeks stunning tie with Idle U might be Al Groh's only non loss this year unless he can trick the stumbling, staggering Maryland Terps in a magnificent match-up on October 17.

Buy your tickets now it could decide the Terrible Ten Title.

3] Florida International Atlantic [0-6]

The Louie Jimmy Monroe Raging Cajuns cooked the Atlantic Owls and the Toledo Rockets rolled the Golden Panthers to send the fledgling Floridans to 0-6.

Stunned Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden, after being blown out by the South Florida Bulls, said "How in the hell did we get all these damn schools in Florida anyway? What I miss? What I do miss is the old days, life was simple and we had all the players."

Life for the Big Three Sunshine State Schools was a whole lot easier when it was just Seminoles, Hurricanes, and Gators fighting for the players.

4] New Mexico[0-4]

Has Lobo Coach Mike Locksley gone loco?

Locksley apparently took a page from the Tom Cable school of coaching and punched an assistant.

Maybe its catching perhaps next week Joe Paterno will Woody hayes out and finally pop his red headed assistant Mike McQuery instead of just ranting at him.

Or maybe Old Joe and Galen Hall will roll rabbit punching and eye gouging around the Nittany locker room at halftime just like Mike Ditka and Buddy Ryan liked to do with the Chicago Bears.

5] Illinois [1-2]

If the cooked Ron Zook beats Penn State due to poor Nittany Lion quarterback play this week it might be Joe and Jay Paterno doing the fist fighting in the Lion locker room.

Is any team more disappointing then Illinois after that dour, dead spirited performance against Ohio State last week? 

It was like watching a confused man being slowly strangled by a bored anaconda, which just about describes the Illini season so far.

6] Michigan State [1-3]

Michigan State, another bore from the Big Ten, might be a more disappointing squad then Illinois.

We shall see for after the Spartans lose to Michigan this week they roll onto Illinois for a Big Ten bottom barnacle barn burner.

7] Tie- UTEP Rice [1-7]

UTEPRice? Sounds like a frozen dinner but plays like a frozen turkey.

The Longhorns could have knocked UTEP right into old Mexico if they wanted to.

But who wants to spend Saturday nights in Juarez?

Poor Rice lost one of its Owl friends when Temple topped Buffalo but its other Owl pal, Florida Atlantic, stayed true, beaten, black and blue.

Fear not for methinks all the sad owls will soon reunite in the bottom nest.

8] Ball State [0-4]

Its been bad football at Ball State so far but the Ball boys have hope because October trips against two win Toledo, win-less Eastern Michigan, one win Temple, and one win Bowling Green await them.

If Ball State blows through that rabbit rally without a win they could make a Terrible Ten title run.

9] Nevada [0-3] 

Nevada has the dubious honor of being the only team to allow the Sydney Greenstreet of South Bend, the pursy Charles Weis, to cover the point spread in a game all year.

This week Nevada plays their hated foe, UNLV, in Reno.

The Reno 911 cops will present a trophy shaped like a stripper to the winner.

Or with the real estate crash in Vegas every player might get a foreclosed home or two.

10] Maryland [1-3]

After being sun belted by Middle Tennessee the week before the Terps made themselves into turnover turtle soap against Rutgers.

If the Jimmy Madison Dukes score once more in week two the Terps would be perfectly defeated.

The Fridge is in the fire.

IDLE Colorado 1-3

Sleeping but not forgotten look for Colorado Dan Hawkins to get pounded in Morgantown this week.

How's that ten win guarantee working out for the Hawk?

As Al Swearengen once said on Deadwood "Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh."

Swearengen's coaching career ended badly in Colorado also.

Terrible Team of the week: California.

When the quack attack smacks you 42-3 the National Title tango is over rover.

Terrible Match-up of the decade: Penn State vs Iowa

The Lions moan about competing with Michigan and Ohio State but nothing shows mediocrity like losing to Iowa seven of the last eight games.

The Lions are a mediocre team in a mediocre conference trapped in an Iowan nightmare.

Terrible Annual Choke

Pitt's Dave Wannstedt managed, with a spectacular defensive collapse, to again snatch defeat from the jaws of victory against NC State.

As Carly Simon once sang for James Bond Nobody Does it Better.

Terrible Game of the Week

Penn State @ Illinois

Penn State will be down and dour after the Hawkeyes burst their blue and white bubble once again.

The Zooks of Illinois are just bad, boring, and painful to watch.