Urban Meyer, Lane Kiffin, and Mike Silve Walk into The Bar...

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Urban Meyer, Lane Kiffin, and Mike Silve Walk into The Bar...
(Photo by Sam Greenwood/Getty Images)

SEC commissioner Mike Silve hosts a clandestine meeting with Florida’s Urban Meyer and Tennessee’s Lane Kiffin at The Bar in Coral Gables, Fla...

 

SILVE:  Have a seat, boys.  Before we begin, let’s go over your cover stories...

 

KIFFIN:  Wait a second, who picked this place?  We’re smack in the middle of Hurricane country for crying out loud.  Randy Shannon’s got his posse covering every corner around here.  They spot us and we’re good as toast.

 

SILVE:  Quit your bellyaching, Lane.  Neither one of you can recruit worth a squat south of Okeechobee...it’s like you’re invisible here.  Besides, I saw Butch Davis at the airport and that’ll keep the Miami fellas busy for a day or two.

 

MEYER:  Who needs Miami when you’ve got Lakeland in your back pocket!  Lakeland RULES!

 

KIFFIN:  Or Pahokee!  Pahokee ROCKS!

 

SILVE:  SHUT UP, the both of you!  Now put down the menus and tell me your cover stories.

 

KIFFIN:   I’m supposed to be wasting my time trying to convince that Bradenton, Florida uberdude Jonathan Dowling that he would rather spend a few years in Knoxville than Gainesville.  See, I told you I wouldn’t forget.  Dad reminded me!

 

MEYER:  I told everybody I was going to check out a kicker in Jamaica.  I couldn’t remember to tell them Mexico so I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind.

 

SILVE:  You told them you where checking out a kicker in JAMAICA???

 

KIFFIN:  What’s so bad about that?  They play a lot of kickball in South America.

 

MEYER:  Jeremy Foley caught me at the door and asked me where I was headed.  I had just come back from checking on Tebow so I couldn’t use that excuse.  I told him I was making a quick trip to check on a place kicker and that I would be back later tonight.  That’s when he asked me for a ride to the airport...I panicked and told him I couldn’t since I was driving to Jamaica.

 

SILVE:  You told Foley you were driving to JAMAICA!!!

 

MEYER:  Brain hiccup...sorry.

 

KIFFIN:  Jamaica?  You’re recruiting in Jamaica?  I didn’t see anything about Jamaica on the NCAA recruiting test. 

 

MEYER:  Lane, Don’t make me stare at you!

 

SILVE:  For the second time, CLOSE YOUR TRAPS!

 

MEYER/KIFFIN:  Sorry...

 

SILVE:  Now, do you boy’s know why I called this meeting?

 

MEYER/KIFFIN:  Yes.

 

SILVE:  And you know how I feel about what the two of you have done.

 

MEYER/KIFFIN:  Yes.

 

SILVE:  Then let me say it one more time...Never, never, NEVER go off the script.

 

MEYER:  But, I was...

 

SILVE:  Oh no, no excuses—from either of you!  Yes, I can see you Lane so quit trying to hide behind your menu.  Urban, your “No comment, no comment” remark to the press after Lane tossed the flu excuse back at you was unacceptable. 

 

MEYER:  But I was...

 

SILVE:  Hush!  No excuses, Urban.  We had the momentum rolling until you killed it with that statement.  Now we have to start all over.  Here, take these packets.  Inside you’ll find everything you need for the next few months.

 

KIFFIN:  Wow, this is a lot more stuff than the last time we met.  

 

MEYER:  Hey, there’s a DVD in here!  Is this that cool SEC bloopers thing you’ve been working on?  The one Nick Saban said that he might have to get his lawyer involved if you released it?

 

SILVE:  Uh, no.  Saban and I have come to a...uh...an understanding. 

 

KIFFIN:  Yeah, I heard that you’re in a movie too!  That’s cool!  I wish I was in a movie...

 

SILVE:  Uh...forget all about that, boys and let’s get back to our packets.  Lane, why don’t you help us start by finding the paper titled “October Scripts” and read the first sentence aloud.

 

KIFFIN:  Found it, here it goes, “Here are the approved topics for use in continuing the media’s perception of ill will between the head coaches of the University of Florida and the University of Tennessee...” 

 

SILVE:  Skip down a bit, Lane.

 

KIFFIN:  “Topics for use in the month of October must include, but are not limited to the following: 1) comments initiated by Lane Kiffin regarding Urban Meyer’s receding hair line 2) Comments initiated by Urban Meyer suggesting that Mad Cow disease is affecting his team’s performance 3) Comments initiated by Lane Kiffin suggesting that real winners lose games 4) Comments initiated by Urban Meyer pertaining to color schemes..."

 

MEYER:  You’re kidding me… you’re going to bring my hair into this?

 

SILVE:  Drama knows no pain, Urban.  Let’s get back to the video for a moment.  Since I noticed that neither of you look totally comfortable smack talking each other in front of the cameras I found something that would help.

 

KIFFIN:  You mean there’s a book or something on how to smack talk for the cameras?

 

SILVE:  Not a book but a video!

 

MEYER/KIFFIN:  Oh gawd...

 

 

SILVE:  Listen up boys, my dear friend, Susan Lucci, has prepared a video compilation of her very best smack talking scenes from her role as Erica Kane on All My Children.  This is an invaluable resource and I think the both of you should model yourselves after her...in a fashion.

 

KIFFIN:  You want us to become better smack talkers by watching a soap opera video?

 

SILVE:  Not just any video, Lane, a very special compilation made by a personal role model of mine for over 30 years. 

 

MEYER:  That answers a few questions.  By the way, if you’re going the video route why didn’t you just give us the complete DVD set of Married with Children?  Al and Peg Bundy would have worked fine for us...

 

KIFFIN:  I bet Urban would put dibs on Al Bundy too...I do NOT want to be Peg Bundy...

 

SILVE:  Boys, enough of that.  Erica Kane is the queen of lean mean.  Watch the video and learn from this genius.  I’ll be keeping an eye on both of you to make sure her moves are done correctly.

 

KIFFIN:  Uh ho, what’s this...

 

MEYER:  What?  Let me see...

 

KIFFIN:  What’s this on October’s schedule, commissioner?  You have an event listed here and it’s not a game!

 

SILVE:  That’s my big surprise!

 

MEYER:  You’re right, Lane, this is no game...what’s Raw Live?

 

SILVE:  Ah boys, you’re going to thank me one day!  You see, Linda McMahon of the WWE called me this morning.  She’s got a great idea that I think we should move forward with.

 

KIFFIN:  What are you doing talking to the wraslin’ folks? 

 

SILVE:  You see fellas, college football is missing out on capturing the 12- to 18-year-old angry young male demographic.  If we host a WWE wraslin’ match but incorporate elements of SEC football then we win all around!

 

MEYER:  I don’t like where this is going.  Nobody in this conference is going to parade around in day-glow tights...

 

SILVE:  But the best part is this...our cage match won’t include any players or coaches from any SEC team!

 

KIFFIN:  I’m not following this.

 

MEYER:  I don’t think we want to, Lane.

 

SILVE:  Boys, we are going to make history by hosting the very first WWE Cage match featuring Hot Wives from the SEC!  We’ll start with your wives first!   If we’re lucky we can get on the WWE Raw Live schedule for the next event in Columbus, Georgia on the 17th of October!

 

KIFFIN:  SNAP!  We’re off that week!  Uh, hold on...wait a minute...did you say my wife?

 

MEYER:  I can’t, she’ll kill me besides that’s Homecoming!  The Hogs are coming to town. 

 

SILVE:  Hose yourself down, Urban, you don’t even have TV for that game yet...besides, we were going to make this the feature event of the SEC East.  The wheels have been greased now that Linda has your women already on board.  Why, they’re shopping together for outfits as we speak! 

 

MEYER:  Do we have a choice in any of this?

 

KIFFIN:  Did my Dad put you up to this?  I know my father in law didn’t...

 

SILVE:  Quit whining, guys.  This is going to take the SEC to new heights.  The Big 12 will never catch us now.

 

MEYER:  Don’t tell me you learned all this at Dartmouth.

 

SILVE:  Shut up, both of you and grow a pair.  Now, lunch is on me...provided you order from the special’s menu.  If you want something other than water you’re buying it yourself.

 

KIFFIN:  I have to know, did my Dad tell you to do this to me?

 

SILVE:  Everybody DUCK!!!

 

MEYER/KIFFIN:  WHAT?!

 

SILVE:  Tuberville just walked in with John Swofford, so keep your heads down and be quiet!

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