NBA To Fine Players For Flopping; Cleveland Cavalier Anderson Varejao Retires

Just twenty minutes after the National Basketball Association announced that it would begin fining players for flopping, Cleveland Cavaliers forward Anderson Varejao announced his retirement.

Speaking through agent Dan Fegan, the 25 year old native Brazilian with the mysteriously unpronounceable name said he really had no choice but to give up the game he loves.

"I have played the game of basketball as a professional since 2001-2002," read Fegan from a prepared statement. "But I am under no pretense as to what my limitations are. I am not a scorer. I am not a dribbler. I am not a passer."

"I am a flopper."

Fans of the 6 foot 10 inch role player were devastated by the parting words, but not surprised.

"He was the absolute best," said Samantha Haber, a fan of Varejao's from the moment he was traded from the Orlando Magic to the Cleveland Cavaliers in 2004. "No one on the planet could crack the floor with their hind end as well or as often as Andy."

"And I know for a fact there were a few times when he wasn't faking it."

"I'm really going to miss the Wild Thing," agreed Fergus Johnson, owner of a costume shop located just four blocks down from the Cavs home arena. "What am I going to do with all these Sideshow Bob wigs now?"

Cavs head coach Mike Brown took the news in stride.

"Well, that's the way it is with some players. The rules of the game change and leave them behind."

"I mean, if the NBA ever decides to fine guys who score alot, or make alot of assists, or post up, or handle the ball, or dribble...well, I guess then that LeBron James would be out of a job, too."

"So it's not just Andy."