NFL Week 3 Picks and Predictions: Dallas Cowboys: The Movie
Titans at Jets (-3)
A lot of people think this is a letdown week for the Jets, but I think its too obvious. That will come later against an easier team like the Bills. Also, how much do we know after two weeks. Maybe Tennessee sucks, ever think of that? I did. Jets.
Jaguars at Texans (-3.5)
This line seems too low, right? Three points for home field, so you’re saying these two teams are close to even? Reary? No friggin way, dude.
The Texans look like they’re back and want to show their fans something this time out after the Jets game booahpalooza in week 1.
I would say this might be a must-win for Jack Del Rio. No matter how cool your name is, and how cool you look in a suit on the sidelines, at some point, people are going to realize that the team you coach is not winning football games and that you might be partly responsible. Texans.
Chiefs at Eagles (-9):
Chiefs lose an ugly one last week while dominating statistically. It’s like Herman Edwards never left.
Good thing the Eagles are home again, I don’t think the fans were done booing from last week. But don’t worry, Andy Reid has added a new wrinkle to his overly complicated offense, four starting quarterbacks. Brilliant. Chiefs.
Browns at Ravens (-13):
Mangenious still keeps his name in Cleveland, but people say it like you call a guy who locks his keys in his car a genius. Like, way to sort out the quarterback situation, Mangenious.
This Ravens team is WAY overrated. Everyone loves them, but they barely beat Kansas City at home, and got a garbage TD to cover, then they won a close game against a team coached by Norv Turner. Who hasn’t?
Plus their defense looks average to bad. And here’s the kicker...Cleveland hates this Baltimore team, it’s the one that left Cleveland. It is Cleveland. And you said Cleveland sucks? Consider your mind blown. Browns.
Giants at Tampa Bay (+6.5):
Can we make Tampa Bay wear those ugly orange uniforms they wore in the 80s when they were the worst team in football? Because they are orange-uniform bad again.
Giants are quietly feeling good about themselves after beating Tony Choko last week, but they remember what happened last year when they fell apart after their star wide receiver got in a feud with his thigh. Well, they locked that guy up and the Giants are focused. Giants.
Redskins at Lions (+6.5):
Worst win in recent years for the Skins. I’ve seen Redskin fans happier after losses to Dallas than they were after beating the Rams last week.
Weird reaction and its because they came to realization during that game that they’re not going anywhere this year and it's gotta hurt. Especially for the little boy who owns the team.
Detroit will win this year, but first they need to lose a couple of close ones, and that’s what happens here. Lions.
Packers at Rams (+6.5):
Favre brought youthful excitement to the position and made everyone remember what it was like to play carefree like a kid. Whereas Rodgers reminds everyone of Hobbes' theory of life as “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short.”
I haven’t seen the Rams play this year. I never saw Paul Blart: Mall Cop either, but I know it sucked. Packers.
49ers at Vikings (-6.5):
That’s a lot of points to give an undefeated Niners team. Well, it’s a lot to give an undefeated team, not a lot to give a Niners team.
I think the Vikings could cover this game with Tavaris Jackson playing QB. Unfortunately, they have Brett Favre starting. For those of you who don’t know Favre, he’s like Tavaris but older, less mobile, and throws more picks. 49ers.
Falcons at Patriots (-4.5):
Darth Belicheck had to hide out in his lair after a frustrating defeat to the Jets last week. Expect him to take out his frustrations on the college hometown hero, Matt Ryan. Patriots.
Bears at Seahawks (+2.5):
Michael Jordan’s self-serving Hall of Fame induction speech reminded Chicago fans that they could embrace petty, self-righteous crybabies like Cutler. Thanks, MJ.
Seattle is still buzzing since beating USC last week. But the party may be over when they see Jim Mora on their sidelines.
How did this guy get a head coaching job, I thought we banned the Mora family from the NFL. Scary...does Bruce Coslet have a son? Bears.
Saints at Bills (+6):
Can we all calm down about Drew Brees and the Saints offense? And can we stop extrapolating how many touchdowns he’s going to throw based on two games? It's only two games, and one was against the Lions at home.
Buffalo’s not bad, but it’s got to be tough to be a Bills fan. You know they’re going 7-9 or 8-8. Not good enough to make the playoffs, but not bad enough to get a quality draft pick. Buffalo is purgatory. Bills.
Dolphins at Chargers (-6):
Last week I actually heard an analyst say that he thought Pennington was starting to lose some of his zip on the ball. Someone tell Alanis Morissette that’s the definition of ironic.
How happy do you think Tomlinson was when Sproles got stuffed at the end of the Ravens game? Winning the Super Bowl happy, winning the lottery happy, or more like the spite happiness that Jennifer Aniston feels when Angelina gets horrible reviews? You’re right, probably the latter. Chargers.
Steelers at Bengals (+3.5):
Pittsburgh fans think they have the best player at every position, even kicker. They always tell me that Reed can kick off grass in the elements better than anyone. They may want to rethink that.
Pittsburgh usually wins ugly and they lose ugly too, but I can’t see them losing two in a row.
Cincinnati should be 2-0 right now. Wow, imagine that. Now imagine them 1-2. If you’re having trouble, just wait until Sunday. Steelers.
Broncos at Raiders (+1.5):
Just a great start if you’re Broncos fan. Yeah, you’re 2-0, but did you see Cutler struggling, and I heard some players hate him.
Sometimes I get the feeling Bronco fans would rather see Cutler fail miserably than their team succeed. And that’s why I love Bronco fans.
People love this Raiders team. It just goes to show, a good outing on Monday night is magnified 10 times more than a good game on Sunday. But don’t forget who plays QB,
His first name begins with a JaMarcus and his last name begins with a Russell. Broncos.
Colts at Cardinals (-3):
Everybody and their grandmother will have the Colts/Over on Sunday night. And why not, we all know Peyton likes the cameras. By the way, the Oreo eating competition, a little played. We get it, move on, you’re better than that.
Kurt Warner set a record for completion percentage in a game last week. But I call BS, because they sat him in the third quarter and realized it was mistake as the Jaguars started coming back.
Ted Williams didn’t sit out the doubleheader on the last day of the season when he had .400 locked up, but Warner sits out to break a record no one cares about. Weak.
By the way, they’ll deny this is the reason he sat out, but what was the reason then? To show us that Leinart still sucks? We knew that. Colts.
Panthers at Cowboys (-8.5):
Carolina still has a Jake Delhomme problem. Also, defenses have finally figured out that all you have to do is cover Steve Smith aka the passing game, and Jake is screwed. We’ll see if Wade Phillips realizes this.
Jerry Jones will finally get his first win in his expensive new toy. And nobody will be watching. And nobody will care.
Sorry Jerry, but bad things happen to egomaniacs. Like, if this were a movie, Jones would definitely be the baddie and at the end he would get crushed by his giant 7-story big screen, right? Wow, I’d pay to see that movie. Cowboys.
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