TSN Cribs: Michael Vick

Here’s an oldie but goodie from my Sporting News vault.  This is a spoof, so I hope nobody takes offense.

We’ve spotlighted a couple of criminals (Tyson and O.J.) the last two episodes of TSN Cribs, so why not continue the trend? This week we’re dropping in on Michael Vick (a.k.a. Ron Mexico). There is a barbed wire fence around the property. Once we get by the security check-in there is a long walk up to the house. It is a beautiful house, no doubt.

Opening the front door and a green cloud rushes out of the house. There is a distinct odor in the house. It takes me back to some college friend’s door rooms. The chandelier, I’m told, is made out of diamonds. Vick keeps a pair of crutches near the door in case he gets hurt. There is no need for an umbrella, because Vick is so fast and elusive that he can go to the mailbox in a downpour and not get a drop of rain on him.

Let’s check out the living room. There is a massive plasma TV.

“Only the best, baby!”

"Oh, hi Mike. I didn’t know you’d be here today."

“Yeah, just going over my playbook while watching some game film.”

"Excuse me, Mike, but the playbook is upside down."

“Oh.”

"That’s a fancy water bottle you have there Mike. Mind if I take a look at it."

“There’s nothing in there man. Just stay out of that secret compartment.”

"Right. Don’t worry I won’t take your umm...jewelry. Mind if we check out the kitchen?"

“Nah, let’s take the tour.”

The kitchen is amazing. Marble floors. Marble counters. Another diamond chandelier. “Hands off my cookies man”. Huh? “Those are my cookies. Oooh, Cheetos.” There fridge is stocked with Cristal, Powerade, Coca-Cola, and Heineken.

The pantry is loaded with Mike’s cookies, Funions, Doritos, and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. “I better drink up the Powerade and Coke while it’s still free. They are talking about squashing my endorsement deal. It’s a bunch of crap.”

"Mike your hands are Cheetos orange."

Mike calls for his dog Brutus. His three-legged dog limps in and licks Mike’s hands clean. “All better”.

Let’s check out the rec room. On the walls in the hallway are pictures of Mike from his Virginia Tech days, as well as current ones with the Falcons, and a few Pro Bowl pics. Mike has a beautiful pool table and his own twenty-seat movie theater.

You can hear the treadmill going in a back room. "Is Marcus or Aaron Brooks over working out?" I ask.

“Maybe”.

Peeking in the room, I don’t see Mike’s brother or cousin. Instead I see a pit bull running on it. It shoots a look at me and shows me its teeth. Alrighty then, I’ll close the door.

On to Mike’s bedroom. “This is where the true magic happens. All of the shorties in Atlanta want to be up in this bed. Gotta love the silk sheets and the mirrors on the ceiling.”

"There's a bottle of ointment on the nightstand, Mike."

“You never know when something is going to flare up.”

"Nice bong on your dresser."

“Uh, umm, that’s not a bong. That’s a vase. I like to, ahh, set the mood, um, um when I have a lady over.”

"Right, Mike. Right."

Can we take a look outside? Sure. There is a Bentley, a Rolls Royce, a Ferrari, a Hummer, and a BMW parked in his garage out back. “I call that the showroom. Those are my babies.”

There are a couple of real beauties in the pool. “You like that, right?” I give Mike a wry smile. It looks like they are setting up for a concert. “Yeah, it’s gonna be a busy one here tonight. Ludacris is dropping over to do a show for my friends. It’s gonna be popping tonight.”

There is a big barn in the back. "What do you keep in there Mike?"

“There’s not dogs in there. Why do you keep saying dogs? Quit asking about dogs. All of my dogs are pets. That’s it.”

"Easy Mike. I didn’t say anything about dogs. I was just asking about the barn."

“There aren’t stadium seats in there. There is no ring in there. Can you drop it?”

"OK Mike. Sorry I asked. That’s an interesting incinerator. Do you use that to burn trash?"

“Of course I do. What else would I use it for? It’s not like it’s there to incinerate dead dogs. I’m not trying to hide evidence.”

Of course not Mike. “Yo, yo. What’s up CP?” Clinton Portis has stopped over. “What’s up Mike? I thought I’d come over a little early. I brought $30k. It’s gonna be on tonight. I got my favorite dog picked out?”

"Are you going to the dog tracks Clinton?" “What? No.” Mike shoots CP a look. “Oh yeah, right. Yeah, dog tracks. That’s exactly what I’m doing. What did you think I was talking about? I surely wasn’t talking about a dog fight.”

"Of course not Clinton."

Well, I’m gonna get out of here before I become an accomplice. Have fun with the concert and at the “dog tracks”. Until next time, this is TSN Cribs.

Past Cribs
John Madden
Dick Vitale
Pete Rose
Tonya Harding
Pacman Jones 
Wilt Chamberlain     
Nick Saban 
Barry Bonds

Kevin Garnett

Mike Tyson  

O.J. Simpson