Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
LaDainian Tomlinson is in a walking boot, Philip Rivers was fined for taunting, and San Diego has serious shortcomings on defense. Oh how the Chargers long for the time when the unsubstantiated claims of a ditzy, C-list, mildly retarded reality star were their only worries.
"Well, it seems as though we've rid ourselves of one 'wildcat,'" says Norv Turner, "just in time for another. That being the 'wildcat' offense made fashionable, and productive, by the Dolphins. The 'wildcat' is a lot like Philip Rivers—a 'useful tool.'"
Miami learned a hard lesson last Monday against the Colts: that a three-to-one advantage on time of possession doesn't always translate to victory. They also learned that blatant mismanagement of the clock often results in a futility.
"I've made a note of what I learned on Monday night," says Tony Sparano, "especially the concept that it's best to kill the clock when you have the lead, and not when trailing by four points."
"Really, this is all my fault. When we spent an hour in practice on the two-minute drill, I didn't expect my offense to apply that literally in a game."
With a short week after a Monday night game, and a long plane trip across America, the Dolphins will be too darn spent to present any resistance to the Chargers, who are at home and desperate to validate those fools that picked them to win the Super Bowl.
Philip Rivers throws for 287 yards and 2 scores, and Shawne Merriman puts his hands on Chad Pennington, recording 2 sacks.
San Diego wins, 27-14.
Check out more game previews at www.sports-central.org