As an SEC West football intel analyst, I know that Alabama fans have this self-righteous proclamation to nothing but their very own superiority and class above the entire field of college football programs.
This air of greater belonging and self-medicating worth, which even their loyal fans of bottom-dwelling origins include themselves as a part of, is downright disturbing. The upper crust of football and even society, according to Alabama fans, is their prerogative.
This is regardless of their affiliation to the University itself, which generally doesn't bother me.
It’s an old and frequent state of mental instability that was never scientifically identified—until now.
This condition is called The Crimson Tide Stain.
This condition is a part of daily life where I come from. Alabama football is king, and houndstooth is vogue. It's a fact that Crimson Tide teams of their hallowed past served as the recognized symbol of college football dominance during the 1960s and 1970s. Don't you remember the Bear?
Tide fans of all ages will never let you forget Bear Bryant. I admit that we shouldn't; after all, a womanizing, mean old drunk is worth idolizing, whether we speak of my dad or the most successful college football coach of all time. It is what it is.
Now, in the age of wonder, with mass media and people's Internet voices louder and stronger than their actual backbone, this phenomenon of superiority rings louder than ever before.
Listen up! You Internet bullies need to take heed to this warning; this is a call to you gristle backs of limited experience and inundated knowledge of the past.
Lest we forget the past, we are doomed to repeat it...good thing Alabama fans sure as heck won’t allow that!
Currently about 50 percent of Alabama fans are digitally capable of spewing their enormity of mind-numbing historical football data on a widespread level, and it got me thinking: "Why aren't these Bama fans standing in the unemployment line running their mouths where they belong?"
Too easy; instead they utilize their newfound talent chastising Auburn, LSU, UF, and UT fans alike, who are doing it right back at them. Is this a great country or what?
Now that is the beauty in all of this wordplay...ignorance is bliss, and thank goodness for freedom of speech, or it would be off to Siberian work camps for the majority of my Bama friends and relatives.
The 2009 University of Alabama football team might be the best in the NCAA and on their way to a BCS Title.
Truth be told, I can't believe I typed the above sentence without a mental health evaluation, but I have watched them play, and as much as I hate to say it, "Nick Saban is that good." The O-line is dominating, and the defense is suffocating. The running backs are fantastic, and Julio Jones is supposed to marry 87 percent of Fraternity Row’s girlfriends.
Championships are won in the trenches nine times out of 10, and that is what this team is about. The offensive and defensive lines are very NFL-esque, with a QB leading them that is better than most run-of-the-mill fans are able to decipher.
I am not switching allegiances here. No way—die-hard Auburn fan thick and thin. I only pull for the Tide when they play the Gators (exceptions do apply; see below).
Caveat No. 1: I also pull for Bama based on my brother’s alcohol consumption. I learned this when I saw my drunken brother flip a couch during the Arkansas game a few years back; saying, "See that yellow flag? That's called holding and that is cheating. That game-winning TD...coming back" was not wise.
A fight ensued, and the police showed up wanting answers. Auburn won, Alabama lost. One of the policemen politely said, “OK, thanks, and keep it down” as they walked away satisfied by our out of breath answer.
Did I mention this happened in our condo in St. Petersburg, FL? That kind of answer has universal understanding. War Eagle, or should I say, Roll Tide Roll.
Caveat No. 2: I forgot to mention that when Alabama lines up against LSU, I do pull for an airborne flu-like virus to inflict the fans. No, not life-threatening, but something with a diarrhea of painful circumstances.
Whether that game is played home or away, it just doesn't matter. Baton Rouge or Tuscaloosa, it’s all no man's land just the same.
The Crimson Tide Stain is best described as a mental condition that never ends and is more like a disease the faithful Tiders have another definition for such human deficiencies. This, my fellow bleacher creatures, is their "birthright!"
Shocking, trust me, I know...however, it is not genetically ingrained, not like most serious levels of ignorance; it is taught and a learned behavior. No matter the level of intelligence or commitment to attend a JUCO or flip burgers, they got it, and it’s a cycle for generations.
Readers, fans, opponents, and onlookers, for my description and evidence that The Crimson Tide Stain is in fact a real condition, follow this everyday occurrence:
A dumb redneck scratches his head as his critical and devotional thought of Alabama football passes through. Suddenly, he blurts out this vocal gem, "When my daughter is born, we gonna name her Saban Bryant Robinson. Me and Jenny gonna call her Baby Sabie.”
It answers your rhetorical question of why he never considers why he’s been sweeping asbestos in a chicken factory for 13 years, other than the rationale of: "My daddy did it before me, and his daddy did too. It's just what we do!"
Now, this is just my interpretation of the current state and condition of the majority of Crimson Tide Fans throughout the fine state of Alabama, Georgia, and parts of Mississippi. I could be wrong, but YOU know I'm right.
For all of you who think I am biased, well, you can substitute any college team's fans from the South. For example: The Bayou Stain, The Rebel Stain, The Vol Stain—and the list goes on.
Go ahead and ask this question you already know the answer to: “Is Auburn the Tigers or War Eagles?”