NFL Announces Rule Repealing Laws of Physics

T.V. HenryContributor IJanuary 16, 2017

Commissioner Goodell says safety of Quarterbacks “paramount.”


In a development that many saw coming, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell today that the league will no longer recognize Newton’s laws of motion when comes to quarterback hits.

“After consulting with ownership, I’ve decided that the leagues interest in protecting it’s quarterbacks are paramount, and thus  outweigh any need to recognize Sir Isaac Newton’s laws of motion,” said Goodell in a tersely worded statement released today


Goodell emphasized the need to protect quarterbacks, and said that referees are to look “only at how hard the quarterback hit the ground under the full weight of defenders who are bigger than they are.” This appears to allude to the officials’ failure to penalize Washington Redskin defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth’s hit on Tom Brady of the New England Patriots


Conversely, it appears last year’s flag of New York Giants defensive end Justin Tuck’s hit on Dallas Cowboy quarterback Brooks Bollinger is the new paradigm.


He called Newton’s Laws “compelling but arcane, ” and said that they are “unfair to quarterbacks.”

“As commissioner, I am entrusted with protecting the interests of the league, it’s owner, fans, and yes, players. Any entity or factor that compromises those interests must be thusly sublimated,” Goodell went on. “Quarterbacks are the face of the league, and Newton’s first three laws of motion leave them needlessly imperiled, especially #2, [which states that “the net external force on a body is equal to the mass of that body times its acceleration; F = ma. Alternatively, force is proportional to the time derivative of momentum”].”


Goodell said he will introduce stiff penalties, including a $15,000 for each offense and ejection for two violations in the same game. Consecutive games with multiple offenses will result in a 3 game suspension. “I recognize the difficult situation defensive players are in, and that’s why the first ejection will not result in a suspension.”


The fines will take effect in 2010.


All indications are that NFL Players Association President DeMaurice Smith will challenge the fine structure in court if necessary.


Some players say they will pursue classes in  levitation.


“David Blaine, I’m coming to see YOU,” said an emphatic Osi Umenyiora, Pro Bowl defensive end for the New York Giants. “Considering the money we stand to lose, it’s well worth the investment.


Corey King and David Copperfield could not be reached for comment.


This is a satire, and is fictitious.