Police Blotter: This Just In...

Joseph SirimarcoContributor ISeptember 22, 2009

Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 1:00 PM ET

An elderly man identifying himself only as Rockin' Chair was taken into custody by police shortly before the start of the Steelers-Bears football game Sunday in Chicago, when he allegedly accosted Bruce Arians, the offensive coordinator of the Pittsburgh Steelers, just prior to the start of the game.  Mr. Chair is accused of the attempted kidnapping of Mr. Arians, and appeared in court today for his arraignment. 

Mr. Chair appeared in court wearing a retro outfit similar to that worn onstage by Harry Wayne Casey, the founder and lead singer of 1970's music group,  K. C. and the Sunshine Band.  Sporting a large, rainbow-colored afro hairstyle, Mr. Chair admitted that the hairstyle was newly created by Bosley Hair Replacement as part of his attempt to disguise himself.  When asked the reason for such a disguise, Mr. Chair stated that he was trying to emulate the look created by Rockin' Roland Stuart, a very widely-recognized attendee at numerous sporting events in the 1970's and 1980's, famously known for his frenetic gyrations and on-camera display of a sign bearing the inscription, "John 3:16", referring to the well-known Bible verse.  Mr. Chair reasoned that since Mr. Stuart's attendance at sporting events was so common, he would easily be able to move about the stadium without attracting undue attention.  Informed that Mr. Stuart had not been seen at any sporting event for many years because he died many years ago, Mr. Chair replied, "Hmm, I guess that would explain those two drunk guys who prostrated themselves at my feet and blabbered something about resurrection from the dead." 

Mr. Chair then admitted to his plan to abduct Mr. Arians shortly before game time (so as not to disrupt pre-game planning), tie him up, duct-tape his mouth shut, and then stuff him into a large equipment bag until after the game.  When asked why he would want to do such a thing, Mr. Chair replied, "Hey, somebody had to do something to keep him from running the offense.  Al Davis is better play caller than Arians." 

When the judge asked Mr. Chair how he was able to get near enough to Mr. Arians to abduct him, Mr. Chair replied, "Are you kidding?  Arians' eyesight is worse than his playcalling.  Before I could even get out the duct tape, he tried to hire me to perform at his grandson's birthday party." 

When asked by the judge whether or not he had any further comments before sentence was passed, Mr. Chair stated, "Well, I originally planned to shave Arians' head completely bald and then tattoo 'Rhinestone Cowboy' on his forehead, but I realized that would be too horrible a punishment for anyone outside of Cleveland or Baltimore," to which the judge readily agreed.  "So I decided to get him out of the way just for the duration of the game. " 

Mr. Chair was given a suspended sentence for criminal mischief, pending a psychiatric evaluation and agreement by Bosley Hair Replacement to return his hairstyle to its previous state.  Bosley declined comment, citing doctor-patient confidentiality. 

When informed of the plot against him and asked for his comments, Mr. Arians replied, "You know, I was wondering who that guy was.  I thought it was just a crazy Bears fan in a Blow-Pop costume." 

In unrelated news, Pittsburgh police responded to an anonymous telephone call claiming that Steelers placekicker Jeff Reed was seen attempting to inflict injury upon himself.  The anonymous caller, recalling an earlier incident in which Mr. Reed vandalized a paper towel dispenser at a local convenience store, told police that he feared that Mr. Reed was vandalizing his own foot in frustration over the fact that his foot had no field goals left in it during the Steelers-Bears game on Sunday, thus contributing to the Steelers' loss to the Bears.  Upon arriving at the reported address, police discovered that the man was not the Steelers kicker, and was not trying to hurt himself, but was actually a short, bald man wearing a Steelers replica jersey with the number 3 on it (Mr. Reed's jersey number) who was trying to clean his shoe after stepping in a small pile of excrement deposited by his dog earlier in the day. 

No arrests were made.