Smith vs. Gardy: Or Lead Harder, Not Smarter

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Smith vs. Gardy: Or Lead Harder, Not Smarter
(Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

 

It took a little digging. I might have broken a law or two. Or I might have just made it up. In any case, I'm sticking by the story.

 

Ron Gardenhire recently requested some extra players for his ailing team and Bill Smith refused. Despite losing Justin Morneau and Joe Crede to season ending injuries, Bill Smith is staying pat.

 

Thanks to inside sources, I have reprinted, below, the actual conversation between Twins' manager Ron Gardenhire and General Manager Bill Smith.

 

Bill Smith (answering phone): Hey Gardy.

 

Ron Gardenhire: Hey Bill!

 

BS: Did you get those flowers I sent you and your wife? Congratulations on your anniversary

 

Gardy: Thanks Bill, we loved them

 

BS: Great, what can I do you for Gardy?

 

Gardy: Well, I'm sorta short of bodies right now

 

BS: What do you mean? You're still playing nine guys out in the field. I didn't notice a thing.

 

Gardy: Yeah, right. Look, Morneau's out for the year with that back thing, and Crede looks done too. Hell, they've been giving Crede more epidurals than the Octo-Mom. With Huber hurt with an oblique strain, I think it's time to order up some bats.

 

BS: What do you mean?

 

Gardy: Don't play dumb with me Bill, I'm not Sid Hartman. You know I've been asking for Valencia for a couple of months now. He'd be one. Brock Peterson's got a pretty good bat. I could use them both.

 

BS: Nonsense

 

Gardy: What?

 

BS (Waves his hand at the phone): Nonsense...you don't need Danny Valencia.

 

Gardy: Don't pull that Jedi stuff with me, I need some players. I need some pop, some power.

 

BS: Says the guy with the Punto/Tolbert/Buscher mancrush.

 

Gardy: Hey, it's not my fault I got the short end of their Faustian contracts.

 

BS: Let's just see how the team plays; you don't need any more players (Smith waves his hand at the phone again).

 

Gardy: Stop it! You're giving me a headache.

 

BS: Wait and see...wait and see

 

Gardy: I'll go Mace Windu on you again Bill, focus.

 

BS: I still don't see a need, we need to wait and see.

 

Gardy: "Wait an' see?" I've got holes at two spots in my infield. I'm running five guys who play like me out on the field every night.

 

BS: That's a good thing.

 

Gardy: No it's not; I've seen my stats. I'm trying to win a playoff race here.

 

BS: Please, Matt Tolbert and Brendan Harris can hold down third base, and you still have Buscher to play with as a pinch hitter.

 

Gardy: Do you speak English? Have you been paying attention? I like Tolby and Brian, but I need some offense. Those guys couldn't find an RBI with two bats and a baseball bazooka.

 

BS: Baseball bazooka?

 

Gardy: My brain's not working, cut me some slack. But listen: My team can't keep a lead, I've barely got three starters I have any confidence in. I need some bodies. I need some offense. I need some bats.

 

BS: You just don't get it. You're not as smart as I am. I run a baseball team here. You just argue with umpires. This stuff is complicated.

 

Gardy: You're just making excuses. You're too cheap to pay a couple of guys two weeks worth of league minimum.

 

BS: Plus service time. It's all very complicated.

 

Gardy starts pounding the phone into the wall.

 

BS: Hello? Is that my clubhouse phone being pounded again? (Bill Smith starts screaming into phone) Dammit Gardy, you're paying for the next phone you break. That makes two this year!

 

Okay, I don't know what Gardy thinks about phone abuse. But otherwise, that's how the conversation went, 100 percent truth right there...Pinkie swear.

 

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