I am so ashamed of the NFC.
I've never been more humiliated by a sports affiliation in all my life.
And the thing that's so terrible is that there was really no reason for me to be an NFC loyalist in the first place.
Baseball's two leagues are divided by the designated hitter rule, a topic about which I feel somewhat passionately. In hockey and basketball, I cheer for the West, since that's where I live.
But the NFC is more or less an arbitrary grouping, and the only reason I support the NFC is because my team happens to play in it.
Other than that, I couldn't care less...and so my allegiance is thinner than a piece of origami paper.
And yet I feel utterly, devastatingly, uncompromisingly degraded by a shameful, shameful excuse for a football conference.
You know the feeling when you're watching an elementary school play, and some random kid (not your child, or even your child's friend) totally screws up his line and ruins the entire production?
Your heart sinks with shame.
Sure, it wasn't your kid who paused awkwardly and disgraced himself. But the point is that somebody messed up, and by allocating your valuable time to such a pitiful show, you necessarily absorb some of the poisonous fallout.
That's how I felt when I watched the Niners play the Seahawks.
That's how I felt when I watched the Eagles play the Giants.
Technically, a game of football was played. Technically, a victor must be determined based upon the outcome of that game. Technically, the league must allocate 14 wins upon completion of the week.
But I'll be damned if there are even three NFC squads who deserve to have a "winning record" in the wake of this disgraceful month.
In my book, they are all LOSERS.
And the Dallas Cowboys?
They're like the semi-normal kid whose deranged parents put him on the short bus.
In a normal year, in which normal football players go to work and take their jobs seriously, it's reasonable to assume that the defending conference champion—in this case the Bears—could muster even a single respectable performance.
Their team is generally the same one that we saw last season, but with one important difference:
Their shittiness has slightly increased, where as the shittiness of a few other shitty teams has receded ever so slightly from Extremely Shitty to Very Shitty.
This has allowed a Should've-Been Shitty team (the Green Bay Packers) to contend with an I-Guess-We're-Not-THAT-Shitty squad (Seattle Seahawks) for a first-round bye.
And the sad part is...
I've watched it all unfold.
Perhaps I could have used last Sunday to discover a new hobby. Surely, there must be a few estranged friends who I could have called. I've always wanted to learn how to change my car's oil without going to Jiffy Lube.
And I haven't been to The Zoo in a while...
Come to think of it, I haven't been to The Zoo in over a decade.
And, if you ask me, The Zoo is plenty deserving of my patronage.
In fact, The Zoo deserves my time and money far more than the NFC, or any of its stakeholders. Last time I checked, everybody at The Zoo was doing their job:
The monkeys still play with their poop.
The hippos still wallow around in their poop.
The lions still eat in front of an audience (then they poop).
Indeed, everybody at The Zoo knows what needs to get done, and they complete the job in a satisfactory manner. Clearly they have earned an opportunity for my patronage by taking care of business week-in and week-out.
Unlike a certain football conference whose name we dare not mention.
So, if you're the guy who cleans the terrarium or the woman who artificially inseminates the zebras, then prepare for my arrival.
My Sunday is best spent with you...
I am so ashamed of the NFC.