15 Reasons Why Your Favorite Team Secretly Hates You
Let’s be real. Sports fans, as a whole, are an exceptionally obnoxious bunch. While our favorite teams and players can definitely bring out the best in us, they can just as easily bring out our absolute worst. Consider the way otherwise-responsible adults behave at sporting events, as though being in a stadium or partying adjacent to the stadium magically suspends the long-established social mores of a civilized society.
They get stumbling drunk and stressfully aggressive, communicating mostly through grunts, chants and the constant screaming of obscenities. Suddenly, the whole world is both trashcan and toilet and then, eventually, a bed. They will cover themselves in body paint or glitter or shave jersey numbers into their back hair, all of which somehow qualify as a shirt in this alternate universe.
.jpg?w=256 "Colts Jaguars Football")
And if we're talking about a soccer match outside the U.S., they may even launch a full-scale riot while the fires burning all around them consume the stadium. Random acts of arson are rare at sporting events here, probably because teams frequently employ the use of fireworks to quell our yearn to burn.
Seriously, it's not a pretty picture—one that gets even bleaker when you throw in horrifying behavior on social media, an insatiable need to criticize everything, our occasionally wavering loyalties and the fact we're an unruly mob that feeds mostly on the misery and misfortunes of others. As a necessary evil, teams have to put up with us, but that doesn't mean they have to like it.
Right below the surface of that strained smile lurks a bubbling sea of hatred. Owners hate the complaining, the criticizing and the fact we're not tripping over ourselves to pay for their new stadiums. Players hate the armchair quarterbacking, the lectures about classiness, the 24-hour surveillance on social media and the fact it also comes with a constant barrage of negativity. They love our money too much to come out and say they hate us, but secretly they do.
Well, they probably do. How could they not with this laundry list of speculated grievances?
1. Your Maddening Obsession with Fantasy Sports
Chances are your maddening obsession with fantasy sports probably makes a lot of people in your life hate you. They don't even realize how much more obnoxious you'd be without Twitter serving as your personal punching bag.
"You know who I hate? Kansas City Chiefs. Every one of them. Not just the two butt holes ruining my fantasy team right now.
— Dan Vonderheide (@DanVonderheide) November 2, 2012"
Serves you right for starting two Chiefs to begin with. Kansas City is a black hole that converts offense into antimatter.
"@JOSH_GORDONXII what's your status for fantasy I got u stashed on my squad when u playing again no firm answer anywhere #stud
— Cory Deck (@DeckCory) September 13, 2014 "
As if Josh Gordon didn't have enough of his own problems to worry about last season. But yeah, personally addressing your fantasy team was probably a top priority.
2. You Take Your Grievances Straight to the Top
Social media has really thrown the chain of command out of whack. The sports media used to serve as an intermediary between athletes and fans, providing the former with a precious buffer from the latter. But why waste time calling in to complain on sports radio when Twitter and the like allow you to cut out the middleman.
"@RSherman_25 is the worst football player ever! He has no achievements whatsoever to backup his talk!!
— Nathan Colberg (@nathan_colberg) May 10, 2015"
Richard Sherman is the worst football player ever? Ryan Leaf just can't catch a break.
"@ovi8 ur so ugly
— Jeremy Winakor (@JWinakor) April 28, 2015"
Alex Ovechkin thanks you for making him a better hockey player with your constructive criticism.
"Ginger ruined my streak for the cash. I hate you @andydalton14#Soulless
— Jake WOE (@BoweBloggin) November 7, 2014"
If you're dumb enough to pick the Bengals in prime time for your survivor pool, you didn't deserve to win anyway. Even Marvin Lewis wouldn't take the Bengals in prime time.
3. You're a Fair-Weather Fan
Very few people can even admit being fair-weather fans to themselves, let alone to anyone else. But the sports world is packed with them because the bandwagon is the easiest way to get around. Fact is, nobody wants to truck with losers—some people just have a higher tolerance for prolonged misery than others.
"Im so done with the bears omfg
— baby blanket (@gyuyomizizi) August 7, 2015"
To be fair, who isn't done with the Bears? Most of the fans at Soldier Field have to be computer generated by this point.
"I'm officially back on the bandwagon! I'm a believer in Johnny Football. #Browns
— Jeff Peterson (@43County) August 21, 2015"
Johnny Manziel rushing for a single touchdown in an 11-10 preseason loss to the Bills is an impressively low bandwagon bar. Then again, all bars are low for the Browns.
"Screw the BlueJays. I'm off this loser bandwagon #Jays
— Scott Reid (@_scottreid) August 15, 2015"
Lousy first place (currently) in the AL East losers. Although maybe it's smart to get out now before anyone gets hurt.
"I'm officially on the blue jays bandwagon. That team is mean
— Bildo (@BillyDondlinger) August 18, 2015"
Well, at least seating evened out in Toronto.
"3 reasons I'm quitting the #bears Roy Williams, Barber, Hurd, let's go #chargers
— Tommy Hayes (@huskysize) July 31, 2011
"
No surprise to see the Bears again. But trading them in for the Chargers? Apparently Tommy Hayes is ready to part with the Bears but not perpetual underachieving and disappointment as a lifestyle.
4. You're Always Threatening Everyone
The passion sports inspire is what draws fans in and always keeps us coming back for more. Unfortunately, passion isn't always expressed in the most constructive way. Like, for example, when it manifests itself as angry threats of physical violence.
"If I hear a Packer say something about the OT rules, I'll burn down Lambeau Field.
— Ryan Bourgeois (@Ryan_Bourgeois) January 18, 2015"
Green Bay in January? Good luck trying to burn down a giant block of ice that was built on another giant block of ice.
5. You're Always Dressed Like Such an Idiot
Dressing the part is crucial—it's how the lifestyle fan distinguishes himself from the casual fan and how the deranged fan separates himself from society. These really speak for themselves.
"Jersey foul pic.twitter.com/IQBv9oalxM
— Ben (@TheRedPolarBear) August 9, 2015"
"Before the rain, @MikeEwenTD got great pics of #FSU fans in the stands. See the fan-cam photos: http://t.co/v2fDVeWa pic.twitter.com/VcDcfVz4
— Tallahassee Democrat (@TDOnline) September 9, 2012
"
"Here's one for @emptynetters courtesy of @kaner_fan in Anaheim tonight. #JerseyFoul pic.twitter.com/7h3OSDHpkE
— Steve Giglio (@stevegiglio) January 31, 2015"
"Yelling at caucasity RT @MrVicBam: “@dhowE_: RT @brokeymcpoverty: fans in birdface #cism RT @desusnice: #caucasity pic.twitter.com/qm0fuzvhUf”
— Stoggie Carmichael (@varsityforlife) October 13, 2014"
"Tim Tebow plays in the NFL, but this hockey fan shows him love by making a custom jersey. (via @TheKevinStewart) pic.twitter.com/7xcluFWAMh
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) May 26, 2015"
Seriously? A Tim Tebow Rangers jersey? Someone actually paid money for that thing.
6. Or UNdressed Like Such an Idiot
Some fans dress the part. Others undress the part, which is substantially worse. Again, these old dudes in various states of undress speak for themselves.
"http://t.co/1UkoVhDU1u Fan Invades a Soccer Field in Only his Underwear to get a ‘Selfie’ with Goalkeeper pic.twitter.com/IgXkjdsyCf
— iFunny Diverti (@iFunnyDiverti) May 4, 2015"
"#NHL #hockey Large Shirtless Blue Jackets Fan Dances Like a Crazy Person, Humps Bear http://t.co/JEIggSZcBm pic.twitter.com/6c9x714Hkf
— Hockey Motion (@hockey_motion) August 5, 2015"
"WOLFPACK pic.twitter.com/ZLQeeXp4SO
— ESPNU (@ESPNU) March 20, 2015"
"@TheCatOnFox please tell this gentleman hoosier to put some clothes on. Trying to watch a game here pic.twitter.com/LOehVCkgqm
— Donny Most ™ (@mhollman91) June 29, 2014"
"“This Twins fan has now made two back hair jerseys. http://t.co/lxsbJHCeaD Horrifying. pic.twitter.com/Hncf0MxIIo” put your shirt on @mybeard
— Ginger Please! (@beergeek773) July 12, 2014"
It doesn't matter how much you dress it up, back hair is never an acceptable shirt.
7. You Think Their Jobs Are Easy and Want to Steal Them
Telling people how much better you’d be at their jobs is a very effective way to alienate everyone around you. It's almost as if people don't like being condescended to by an arrogant jagweed who thinks they have all the answers.
"I would be a better coach than the #Oregon coach because punting there was a stupid thing to do!
— Gideon Horberg (@Sportsgeek23) January 13, 2015"
Well, identifying plays as stupid or otherwise after seeing them run on the field is pretty much all there is to coaching.
"Pretty sure I would be a better quarterback than tony romo
— Stephanie Morgado (@stephanieeannn) January 4, 2015"
C'mon now. Better than Tony Romo? Absolutely not. That being said, give me Stephanie against the field in Houston.
"I'm better than derrick rose. At least I can stay healthy and play all 82 games
— .Black Doug (@ReversinDaCurve) March 29, 2015"
That makes sense. Playing basketball in the NBA is basically the same thing as watching it at home.
"At this moment, i feel like i would be a better pitcher than Lester. #relaxandfocus
— Kaitlyn Bird (@KMBirdy) June 11, 2013"
Everyone knows pitcher is the easiest position to play on any baseball team.
8. Your Stalker Tendencies and Overall Lack of Boundaries
At one point or another, many fans will eventually become enamored enough with a professional athlete to make the unilateral decision to take their imaginary relationship to the imaginary next level.
"They say don't give up on your dreams. So my dream of marrying @JJWatt is still alive and well
— Carla (@CarlaAngelotti) August 28, 2015"
You know what they say: Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. Shoot for J.J. Watt! Even if you miss, Vince Wilfork may be there to catch you when you fall.
"Ohhhh..David Beckham made a Facebook post today. ::deep sigh:: I just want to lock him up in my basement and....wait... Disregard that.
— جاي المال (@CocktailJay) May 2, 2012"
Consider the sex dungeon you've got ready and waiting for David Beckham disregarded.
"Hi @RyanLochte I'm kind of obsessed with you. Favorite to make my life complete. 👏😍
— Savannah Robinson (@SavvyRobinson) December 22, 2014"
Nothing attracts the opposite sex quite like fawning desperation.
"@lindseyvonn will you marry me today?
"
"— Derrick North (@DerrickNorth) August 3, 2015
"
Wow. Today is a little soon.
"@lindseyvonn Will you marry me tomorrow?
— Duck The Black Swan (@DuckDaBlackSwan) August 3, 2015
"
Tomorrow? I do.
9. You Make Light of Injuries
Cheering a player injury is something that never goes over particularly well with athletes, coaches or basically anyone with a soul. There's something very grotesque about doing it in public, which is why it's such a rare occurrence. For some reason, though, standards for behavior online aren't nearly as high. They don't even clear the gutter.
"Johnny Manziel Already Injured.... Haha
— Joey Potts (@LeroyLIT) December 21, 2014"
Failure to accompany this with a Nelson laugh seems like a real missed opportunity.
"@jadande HAHAH YES!! I HOPE HE HAS A CONCUSSION
— dilla (@wirestrong) June 12, 2015"
All caps is the only way to go when gleefully wishing a brain injury on someone. If you're gonna be mean, you might as well be loud too.
"Derek Rose is out for the season hahahahaha
— Seth (@sethfinger53) November 25, 2013"
Derrick Rose's chronically enfeebled existence is a constant source of amusement for some in the Twitterverse.
"Damnnnnn hahahaha Jordy Nelson has a possibly torn ACL #GoPackGo Hahahahahahahahha
— Thomas Sepulveda (@GrownSimba3489) August 23, 2015"
I can't tell if this guy is a Packers fan and still in shock or not a Packers fan and legitimately giddy.
10. Your Drama-Queen Antics
When cartoonish overreaction and generalized rage becomes the baseline, it eventually becomes very hard to walk it back.
"If I hear or see the words LeBron James one more time I am going to murder someone.
— Alec Quandahl 3⃣ (@AQuan28) June 9, 2014"
You're going to have to murder a lot more than one person to put a dent in LeBron James coverage.
"These are the saddest Seminoles I have ever seen. #FSU pic.twitter.com/vpZWFVJKwh
— David Mariutto (@DavidMariutto) August 31, 2014"
Ooooh booooohooooo! How hard it must have been for those Florida State fans to sulk through the part of the game they weren't winning until they started winning.
"The saddest college basketball fan you will ever see. #MarchSadness pic.twitter.com/YdvlKwPyET
— Bill Edwards (@BillEdwards53) March 22, 2015 "
Come on, girl, get it together. You play the piccolo at a college level—sports couldn't have been that important to you growing up.
11. You're Kind of an Idiot
Sorry, but you know you are. We're all idiots in our own special ways. And dealing with idiots can be amusing for a while, but it quickly becomes taxing.
"Tim Tebow is the best quarterback in the NFL
— Rael (@RaelC98) June 1, 2015"
No he isn't.
"Tiger Woods is still the best golfer in the world.
— Jack Glenn (@JackGlenn19) June 22, 2015"
No he isn't.
"The Bills are going to win The Super Bowl This year just wait on it 💯
— Des Nicholas (@desnich_42) July 17, 2015"
No they aren't.
"It's a shame that Sidney Crosby is terrible at hockey. #Pens
— Evan Buysse (@EDBuysse) January 14, 2015"
No he isn't.
"Tom Brady is a system quarterback anyway. Re-sign Cassel.
— Owen (@WeAreDuval) May 11, 2015"
No he isn't.
"Michael Jordan and Bill Russell are the most overrated NBA players of all time
— MR. 2K (@2K_ball_is_life) August 27, 2015"
No they aren't.
12. You're Just SO Mean
On Twitter, we are all Regina George.
"No one likes you Jay Cutler. #FatFace
— Trenton Payne (@PaynerT) October 23, 2012"
That may very well be true, but there's no reason to keep pointing it out. By now, Jay Cutler must know no one likes him.
"I would love to punch Jay Cutler right in his stupid, fat face... #MNF
— Ramona P. (@DKSB17) October 11, 2011
"
Resisting the powerful urge to punch Jay Cutler is what separates us from the animals.
"In my professional opinion, Jay Cutler is a fat face.
— James Blackburn (@Jimmy_b_9) November 12, 2012"
Professional opinion? Apparently, James Blackburn judges fat-face beauty pageants for a living.
"Trevor Bauer suffers from Jay Cutler Stupid Fat Face Disorder. They're both mouth breathers with fat faces and blank stares. #Indians #Bears
— Tolan Lichty (@thetolan87) July 29, 2015"
The face again? Geez. Tragically, to date there is still no cure for Stupid Fat Face Disorder. The only known treatment—mocking the afflicted online—has proved to be wildly ineffective
"Jay Cutler sufre un severo caso de "fat face"
— Jesse (@Jessebaezlolwut) December 21, 2010"
It seems Jay Cutler's fat face translates.
13. You Refuse to Take It Down a Notch, and It's Exhausting
We all have someone in our lives whose transmission is forever locked in fifth gear. Which is fun when you feel like drag racing but difficult to deal with when all you want to do is take a relaxing drive to the park and feed the ducks.
"Florida State fans covered in glitter pic.twitter.com/TCRfc8nVsT
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) October 19, 2014"
How much glitter is too much glitter? That much.
"BURN THE SPACE NEEDLE TO THE GROUND! #Seattle #superbowl #riots
— E.J. Coughlin (@ejc) February 3, 2014"
Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed.
"Who is #winnipeg's #furcoatguy flinging all that popcorn? He's local comedian @aaronmerke: http://t.co/CFwImsgYH7 pic.twitter.com/hFu2dT2bdU
— Metro Winnipeg (@metrowinnipeg) January 14, 2015"
A screaming man in a fur coat, standing on his seat and throwing fistfuls of popcorn—what a treat that must have been for everyone!
"Drunk Virginia fan yelling at a stuffed goose was the highlight of the 2014 college football regular season IMO... pic.twitter.com/zpbtZ9fS43
"
"— Vinny Calabrese (@VinnyCal) December 13, 2014"
You can tell "full throttle" and "puking blackout drunk" are the only two setting's this guy has on his dial.
There’s something intoxicating about sports (maybe it’s all the alcohol?) that often leads to people behaving in ways they otherwise wouldn’t. On game day, anything goes, and I do mean anything.
"The father who risked his baby's safety to steal the foul ball from Adrian Gonzalez is a dink. pic.twitter.com/x7vDJKmwa2
— Ankle Skater (@ankleskater) June 24, 2015"
Congrats to dad on the slick grab, but that thing in your other hand isn't a baseball mitt—it's a human infant. They take much longer to manufacture than a baseball.
"Washington State Popcorn Guy Finally Gets His Own ’30 For 30′ Trailer http://t.co/QTlvVHu6op pic.twitter.com/FhQiKX6yhr
— Next Impulse Sports (@NextImpulse) September 5, 2014"
Screw basic human decency, Popcorn Guy is a national treasure.
"@tweetjhood WVU at Marshall college football. This drunk WVU fan was fighting everyone. Police, Marshall fans himself pic.twitter.com/c5MOLKIa
— Joab Dellinger (@Mr_GO_HERD) September 13, 2012"
If you're shirtless at a football game and it takes five grown men to subdue you, at least you'll be able to hold your own when you inevitably land in prison.
"Photo: Arkansas fan won’t make kickoff http://t.co/Q9JndrxGZy
"
Passing out under a car before kickoff? Amateur hour.
15. You Want Everyone to Die
While some fans use wit, sarcasm or memes to soften their anger, others prefer a far more direct approach. And a dark one at that.
"I hope Dwight Howard dies
— agua (@arthurskatesx) November 19, 2014"
A lot of people on Twitter want Dwight Howard to die.
"Hope Tom Brady dies of alcohol poisoning tonight
— Cory Chance (@CoryChance) February 2, 2015"
Ditto for Tom Brady, particularly in the immediate aftermath of the most recent Super Bowl.
""I hate derek jeter. I hope he dies in some freak accident with a vacuum cleaner"
— Lady Pendragon (@dj_dot) July 13, 2010"
Maybe this is my own love for Derek Jeter talking, but I don't think Lady Pendragon really means that.
"I hope sidney crosby dies tonight. Just saying.
— Joey Czarnecki (@JoeyAWOS) April 18, 2012 "
This is by far the nicest death wished upon Sidney Crosby, who brings out the worst in a lot of unhinged people.
.jpg?w=480 "Colts Jaguars Football")
